My sadness is so intense these days. I think the fact that I attempted to end my life 2 weeks ago is mentally exhausting, and my emotions are like all over the pace. I'm really starting to get really sad over losing my job. I will be there until the end of next week. The mom hasn't told the kids anything yet, and probably won't until she finds another nanny. Just thinking about her having that conversation with them (and possibly me being a part of that conversation) breaks my heart. I love those kids so much. And that dog, oh my gosh. I love him so much. I've raised him since he was 11 weeks old, and he's almost a year old. I will always be a part of that family though. I will be able to visit and hang out with them. But it will still be sad not seeing them every day. It's going to be hard.
I'm dealing with a lot of trauma issues lately. It's so intense and so scary. I'm hanging on as best I can. I have the world's most amazing therapist.
Eating has been okay. My appetite has been a little hard to find lately. I eat what I want but, often feel guilty about it. I'm struggling a lot with body image, like so much. I wish I could wear sweatpants all day every day. I really want to start working out but...I guess I'm feel like I won't be able to stop. I've never had a problem with exercise before. But I'm just worried it's something I could become obsessed with.
I don't know what else to say. My mind is blank.
I wish I could say something or do something to make things better. I will say- I do know that blank feeling after an attempt...and it sucks. *hug* once again, I wish there were something to say that would help...but hang in there
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-Lisa
I am so so grateful that you have such a wonderful therapist. It sounds like she is the perfect person to help you through this, and you WILL get through this! It mus be very sad to leave your nanny job, but there will be all the time in the world to take care of others once you are better able to take care of yourself. Best of luck, it will get easier!
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about how you are going to fill that time when the nanny job ends? Any luck on volunteer stuff? I know you mentioned even maybe going back to school to work with kids. I encourage you to try and go ahead and build in some structure so the down time won't be so hard. Even if it's just going to the book store or a coffee shop to get out. I know it'll be a difficult transition for sure. Have you talked to the family to see about babysitting on nights or weekends in the future and maybe getting some dates on the calendar so you have something to look forward to in terms of still seeing them? I remember when I first got back into exercising and I had your same fears. I just had to start slow and have accountability (your therapist or dietician would work). I think you might find that exercising (even just walking) will help with the depression as well. Take care of you! Be well!
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