Something that I've done with my trauma, is numb all of my feelings. For a long time, for years, I just had the memories, and no emotions. Within the past 7 months, I have identified emotions, been able to express them through writing and talking. It's HUGE progress on my part. I didn't think I would ever feel my feeling again. Now, for the first time in a long time I am allowing myself to cry. Giving myself permission. I finally have learned to "let go". 7 months ago I didn't cry. And for the past week, I have been crying most days.
Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.
One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.
I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.
Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.
I really relate to this post! I've also had an ED for years and years, and suddenly it seems like the recovery thing is sticking more solidly than it ever has—mostly because I am mentally in a different place and actually want it now. I am SO proud of how you've overcome that, and even though it's probably still a struggle every day, you deserve and a huge congratulations! All best, K
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