The drive for recovery

Never in my 8 years of dealing with this disease, did I ever think my drive for recovery could ever be this strong, and it's still growing. I look back 4-5 months ago and I was dead hopeless. There was no light in my future, there was no possibility of any sense of happiness or peace. I was stuck and that was how I was going to be for the rest of my life. It amazed me when I was sitting in group one day at Remuda and we were going around doing a feelings check. And that day I picked...hopeful. I had to almost pinch myself because I couldn't believe that word was coming from my mouth. From that day foward, hope has lived with me. I'm not sure exactly how hope came to me, but I am so glad it did. It has been 3 months since I have been out of treatment, and I am proud to say I am doing very well. I still sometimes can't believe I am here and alive and thriving, instead of just existing. Each day that goes by I have a stronger need and desire for recovery. It amazes me that I want something GOOD for myself, that I feel like maybe I actually do deserve this. This past 3 months have been by no means easy. But it sure has been easier than living in the hell I have been put through the past 8 years. I came so very close to death 5 months ago...to the point where I had a handful of pills ready to swallow. Never did I think I would be where I am now. Never did I think I would want something good for myself. I won't lie and say that I don't get scared. My biggest fear these days isn't food or wearing a bathing suit, but the idea and possibility of relapse. I remind myself every day of how far gone I was 5 months ago and how I never ever want to feel that way again. I don't think I could survive to go through that one more time. I have been through it enough. It's time to give myself what I have been deprived of for so long...a life lived with excitement, clarity, and hope. I used to take the word hope for granted. And I never realized it was more than just a word. But now that it's a part of my life, I can't believe on what I was missing out on. Hope may be a trivial thing to some, but for me...it saved my life.