I'm in this weird phase right now. Everything with food is going well. But my body image is just terrible. I don't know if it's ever been this bad. I've had two people tell me in the past week how much bigger I look in my hips and thighs. I really wasn't aware of how much bigger I was until they said something. And now I'm convinced I am over weight. My dietitian was out of town last week and this week, so I don't see her until the 24th and I have no way of contacting her. I am really scared that even though I reached my ideal weight a few weeks ago, that I have continued to gain and now I'm out of my range. I have not restricted my food intake and I am not purging, so the ED voice hasn't gotten the best of me. But it takes forever to pick out outfits and I walk around feeling so insecure. *Warning, might trigger* I used to have a gap in between my thighs when I stood with my feet together, and now I don't. *trigger over* My clothes are tighter and it's just really frustrating and I found myself crying about it the other day. I'm very anxious for my dietitian to get back in town so I can talk to her about this and figure out if my weight is really close to being out of it's range.
I'm having...therapy issues right now. I have been seeing my current therapist over a year and she has really helped me in so many ways. But lately (maybe the past few weeks or so?) I have felt like our connection is off. It's harder for me to open up with her, especially about trauma stuff, and I feel like everything is so forced or fake with her. Is that rude? I just don't feel like I get much feedback or advice from her, and I feel directionless. What am I supposed to be working on? Where do I go from here? I brought this up with her briefly last week and didn't get much of a response. She just assumed that everything was okay after we had a phone conversation. She thinks our lack of connection is from our discussions about boundaries. But I'm not so sure. To make matters a little more complicated, I have encountered my old therapist at the pool a few times. I don't feel like diving into what exactly happened with us and how our relationship ended, but it was pretty sticky. I do not have hard feelings towards her anymore though. Anyway, it was so good to run into her and see her and it made me realize how much I miss her, as a person and a therapist. She was always so good about kicking me in the butt to get me motivated. So now I'm like...well I want to go back to therapy with her. Even though I'm not completely convinced that is such a wise or healthy idea. I emailed my current therapist last night and told her I needed to talk to her about something important before our next session on Friday. I also emailed my psychiatrist for advice but haven't heard back from him. Anyway, I'm all stressed out about this and don't know what to do or where to turn.
On a good note, I had lunch with my tutor from middle/high school yesterday. She has acted as a second mother to me over the years and knows all about me and my struggles. I made an art project for her and gave it to her. It made her cry. And then she cried again when I told her my fondest memory of her (I cried too this time). She said to me, "The only thing you could ever do to disappoint me is if you were not here, if you took your own life." I don't think I have ever had anyone say that to me before. SO blessed to have her in my life.
Anyway, that's about it...for now.
hang in there honey. Recovery has it's ups and downs. You'll pull through. You're stronger than you may think!
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-Lisa
I have the same body image insecurity. But like Lisa said recovery doesn't run a straight path. There are moments where things are going smoothly and then there are moments like clothes being tighter. Just take it one day at a time. Stay strong and hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI think most of us trying to recovery deal with the same challenges that you are facing, so don't feel alone in this battle. It always feels like a battle too. My therapist gave me an analogy last week. She said, "it's like being in a war on the battle field and the choices are to die on the field or keep of fighting, so you keep on fighting. But what if you didn't have to fight anymore and you could just stop fighting the battle and leave the war to go home to just live life?" So our goal for Tuesday is to identify my system of values/what is important to me and do those things. It's supposed to be some new acceptance approach to ED that's different than CBT. I hope it works.
ReplyDeleteAnd about your thighs, I also had the mortifying realization that my thighs touched too now. But I bet if you look around at the pool, nearly every normal weight woman's thighs touch. It's actually a little weird if they don't, but ED tells us that we are more successful with every millimeter of space we can create between our thighs and that only knees and ankles should touch. Trust me, I went jeans shopping today and I was grieving the loss of my tiny sized jeans as I reached for the size up. The mirrors taunted me but I did escape without crying in the store. Read Matthew 6:25.
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