You have three choices...

You have three choices. You can either let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

I saw the above quote today and I fell in love with it. What makes this quote so significant for me that that the "it" that the quote is talking about is an eating disorder, well at least that's my interpretation. I have experienced all three of the choices in this quote. I made my ED my identity for the past 8, almost 9, years. Yes I was an athlete, I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, but I was consumed by my ED and that, in my opinion, was my only worth, as crazy as that sounds. The second choice, well it didn't destroy me to the point where I died, but I certaintly have come close. I almost killed myself twice in February. I also had heart palpitations, horrible lab work, and I was vomiting blood. I really did almost die. And that leaves the third choice. You can let it strengthen you. Well here I am, 7 months out of treatment and 7 months into recovery. I can say with complete certainty that it has made me stronger. I can see so clearly now, and the little things in life that get most people down so easily, don't shake me up too much. I just feel stronger. It's kind of hard to give examples. But I have learned so much about myself and my life, and I really feel I am better in all areas, because of my struggles.


I saw my dietitian tonight. We had another good session. It seems that as each day goes by I feel more and more stronger than ED. For example, this week I have had little to no appetite. In the past I would have just resorted to my ED and skipped meals or b/p. But I have eaten all three meals every single day this week, for the second week in a row. My dietitian was beaming over this fact. "That's so awesome!" I love when she says that. It makes me smile. Lately it's been all about ignoring ED and doing what is right. Feeding myself, nourishing myself. It's totally the right thing to do, but totally hard, and totally possible. My dietitian wants to keep seeing me on a weekly basis because even though I am doing better with my food, I'm still pretty fragile about it. And because I was so stressed out this week, I had increased urges to b/p and restrict. She just wants to keep all of that in check, and I am perfectly okay with that. I also brought up my concern with her about how I have cravings for sweets and so-called junk foods. I said that 9 times out of 10 I don't buy these foods because I'm scared of them, I'm scared of bingeing on them. I also am scared that eating them will cause more weight gain. She said that it is perfectly normal to want to eat those foods, and even more normal to actually eat them.

Therapy was good on Thursday. I didn't really have anything pressing I needed to talk about, so we just sort of talked about other stuff. It was a good session. I felt upbeat and energetic the rest of the day. I guess I will just deal with whatever comes up and not look for things to talk about. Although sometimes I think that's not a bad idea. Sometimes my therapist points things out to me that maybe I should spend more time on, but not lately.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I am SO glad it is Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday. Even though I do have to babysit tomorrow night. It's all good though!

Baby steps

Geez, is tomorrow really Thursday already? This week has flown by. And I'm like not even sure how to evaluate how this week has gone so far.

I think as far as food goes, I have done pretty well. Maybe not as well as last week, but nothing significantly worse either. I have had breakfast every morning (still in love with greek yogurt with fruit). I have had lunch every day too, as well as dinner. But, my appetite has decreased a lot and it has made eating very difficult. At times it feels physically impossible to take another bite. I'm not sure why my appetite has gone away so much, it could just be stress.

Which leads me to my next paragraph. Stress. This week has just been so stressful. I just feel like I have so many things to do, and not enough time. I work all day and by the end of the day I just want to crawl in bed, but I have to go to the bank and the grocery store and the bookstore and my parent's house and I have to exercise and do laundry and clean and write emails and make phone calls. I've been very on edge and bitchy. And then I feel really overwhelmed with everything, and that brings on lots of urges to b/p. But I haven't! Which is what is important. And it's good that I can recognize what makes me have those urges and be able to stop myself from acting out.

I've really been upping my game on the positive self-talk, which is something my therapist is always urging me to do. My face is breaking out right now, and most of today I would look in the mirror and just feel disgusted, but I had my moments today when I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I am beautiful. It helps! It's not a fix, but I think if I keep it up then maybe I will start to believe it! I ordered a body image workbook on Amazon that my therapist and dietitian told me about, hopefully that will help too!

I am really excited because....I signed up for an eating disorder awareness walk next weekend. And my two (maybe 3) best friends from Remuda are coming too! The woman who I heard speak at the event last week will be speaking at this walk too so I'm excited to catch up with her! I've never done an ED walk before so I'm excited for this.

Well, I have therapy tomorrow and my dietitian on Friday so I will check back in on Friday or Saturday and update then!

Catching up

So, let me just tell you about Thursday night. I went to this event at this art gallary about eating disorders and body image. There were 3 speakers. The first was my friend Karen. She told her story for the first time. I cried tears of joy for her. I am so proud of how far she has come. She has been there for me so much throughout the last year. At one point when she was speaking I saw her looking at me and I was crying. I think she could tell by looking at my eyes how proud I was of her.

The second speaker was a therapist and ED activist in Maryland. She is recovered from an eating disorder as well. It was inspiring to hear her story. She is such a leader in the ED community and I strive to be as confident as she is one day.

The third speaker was Kathleen MacDonald. Some of you might know who is she is. She is an eating disorder activist who lives in D.C. and lobbys on Capitol Hill for ED research and awareness, and runs the FREED Foundation. I have known Kathleen about a year through Facebook. She pretty much saved my life last year when I was in the worst of my ED and depression. Thursday night was the first time I met her in person. Her story, her speech, which was really just her speaking from her heart, was hands down the most inspiring speech I have ever heard. Her story is incredible. I don't want to tell it on here, because it's not my story to tell. But she has over come so much adversity and her commitment to her recovery is the most refreshing thing I have heard. She is recovered from an ED of 16 years. I shed many tears during her speech. It was sad, moving, and uplifting. Part of her speech was to ask the audience if anyone would volunteer why they were that night. I raised my hand, something I never could have pictured myself doing. I said, "My name is Holly. I've had an eating disorder for almost 9 years, but I am in month 6 of recovery. I am here first and foremost to support my friend Karen, who means the world to me (at this point my voice broke and I started crying). I am also here for myself, to keep up my fight." It was pretty powerful being vulnerable in a room of about 50-60 people.
After the event was over, I went up to Kathleen, who knew who I was, and gave her a big hug. I told her that she saved my life last year. When I went into the psych hospital I didn't have time to tell anyone what was going on. Including her. I told her that I know I scared her when she didn't hear from me for 5 days. She said with tears in her eyes, "Yes you did, but I was so glad to hear you were okay." She told me she knew I was on my way to full recovery. I just couldn't hold back my tears.
I will be seeing her again on November 5th when we both are attending a NEDA awareness walk in Charlottesville. My friends Michelle and Erin will be there as well (I hope).

Yesterday I saw my dietitian. I had done so much better this week with my food. Eating breakfast every single day this week for the first time since leaving Remuda. But I still could have done better. When she weighed me (and I looked) she told me I had lost a pound. Which proved her point that eating breakfast would speed up my metabolism. I just always thought eating breakfast and eating more in general would make me gain more weight. I guess not. She told me she thinks my weight is about where it needs to be, maybe it neds to be a little more or a little less. I understand everything now, about my weight that is. I trust my dietitian. I still fear I will become obese, but I am slowly becoming more and more accepting of my body. I read my dietitian the journal entry I posted on here yesterday. I cried while reading it, as did she.
I am just so glad things are getting better.

This has felt like the longest week of my life. So much running through my head and so many things and appointments I had to do. I am so glad this week ended on a great note.

That's all I have for now.
Have a great weekend everyone!

Accepting my body and recovery

I wrote this last night. Wanted to share.

I daydream pretty often about being thin again. Not thin like I was in the couple of months before going away to treatment. But thin like I was 4-5 months ago. Most people might look at me today and say I am still thin, a healthy thin. And maybe I am, but I can't see it yet. I long for that super toned and built body I used to have. And yes, I know dreaming about what my body used to look like is in no way helpful. But honestly, I think I dream more about the day when I love my body and embrace it the way it needs to be. I dream of being able to trust that I will not continue to gain weight and become obese. I do have my good moments though. I sort of like that I actually have boobs now. I am glad I can't see my chest bones anymore. I remember in my first couple of days at Remuda, looking in the mirror, and seeing pretty much every bone in my chest and saying to myself, "That looks gross." I acknowledge that my body is healthy. Although my periods are still screwed up. My fear with that is that they will never be regular again and I won't be able to have children.
So my bones don't stick out like they did for so many years. Well at least I'm not puking everything I eat and having to hold onto the door of my shower so I don't pass out while washing my hair. Yes, I still hear ED talking to me, but I also am able to form complete thoughts and my brain works the way it's supposed to. What's that quote? "Pulling my head out of the toilet and gaining weight was the smartest thing I've ever done." So true, and also the hardest thing I've ever done.
I've had professionals tell me that full recovery is possible. So much of me wants to argue that. But I realize that believing in full recovery, believing in myself, is really my only option. These past two weeks I have come close many times to throwing in the towel and saying, "You know what ED? You can have me back." I think what kept me from doing that was the encouragement from my therapist and dietitian, and also from remembering the hell I lived in when I used behaviors on a daily basis. I also really want to one day spread awareness of eating disorders, but I can't do that unless I am recovered. I want to tell my story, where at the end I can say, "I am recovered". I think the pros of recovery, far outweigh the so-called pros of an eating disorder.
So, I think it is pretty simple what I need to do, even though it feels super complicated. I have to feed myself the way my dietitian tells me. I have to continue to be honest and open. I have to do things that make me feel good about myself. I have to form an identity outside of my eating disorder. I have to believe in myself and find my inner strength and wisdom. I'm pretty confident that in doing all of this...I will recover.

no way

My dietitian emailed me tonight and told me that the weight I am at now is what my weight is supposed to be.

No way. Not happening. I refuse to weigh this much. I will kick and scream my way back to a weight I feel is right for me. You may say that I am compromising my recovery by doing this. I really don't think that's the case.

I don't know if I can trust my dietitian right now and that scares me. I have always trusted her. But I don't know what's right anymore. I am not supposed to weigh this much...I don't care what anyone says. I know my body.

It's just not fair. I fucking hate ED.

I know what to do to lose weight. I know that purging two times or more a day and eating under xxx calories will make me drop all this weight I have put on. That's how I lost weight last year. I don't want to resort to that. I would just be miserable and disappoint every one.

I'm going to go cry now.

in trouble

I sort of got in trouble with my dietitian at my appointment tonight. It felt horrible. She had had me write down my food for last week, and I knew I didn't do a good job. In fact, I did pretty terrible. I could tell she was...frustrated. Not mad though, she never gets mad at me. But, tonight she came pretty close. One night last week I had a bag of popcorn for a snack. When she saw that on my food journal she asked what kind of popcorn. I told her it was fat-free. I could see the frustration in her reaction and it stung. I was confused at our session. Because, she told me last week that she didn't know why I was gaining weight. Tonight she said that she doesn't know what my weight is supposed to be. And she also told me that I am not going to gain any more weight. Well, if she doesn't know why I am gaining weight, then how does she know I am not going to gain anymore? I didn't say this, maybe I should though. She said that it wouldn't be bad thing if lost a little bit of weight, but that I can't use behaviors. I told her I didn't know any other way. I just felt so defeated sitting in her office tonight. I was so aware of the way my body looked and felt and it was so uncomfortable. I shed a few tears and it sucked. My dietitian seemed really, really concerned about me. Talking about how worried she was about my brain because I was starving it, how I have not been hungry lately, and I have little to no energy. She said she is worried that if I keep going down this road, that I am going to starve my brain so much that I get stuck back in ED and relapse. But she did say that this is the closest to being recovered as I have ever been. Too bad I'm about to screw it up again. Anyway, she is so concerned that she wants to see me again on Friday. I was sort of surprised when she said that. She gave me a plan I am supposed to follow the next 4 days. Right now it feels near impossible, but I am going to give it a shot.

Not much else is going on. Hoping my week gets better starting tomorrow. I know it's up to me and only me to make the right choices with my food. I am having dinner with my second mom on Wednesday and then I am helping set up with the eating disorder event on Thursday night. So I am looking forward to those two things!

I will update later on in the week.

Apple picking and such

Today was such a fun day! I went with the family I babysit, and another family, to go apple picking! I have never been before and I loved it! We drove about an hour away to the mountains and the orchard was huge! I have never seen so many apples in my life. I ended up bringing home 9lbs of apples. I look forward to making apple pie and apple crisp. It was so nice to do something social for once. I ended up hanging out with the adults mostly, and the oldest girl who is 14. I just had a really fun time and didn't worry about what I was eating at all. I had an apple cider donut, and 4 apples. At lunch I had a slice of cheese pizza with pineapples on it, even though ED told me to get a salad. Today even sort of made up for yesterday.

Yesterday morning I had a doctor's appointment to ask about getting some blood work done to see if there is anything going on that is causing the unneeded weight gain. I asked the nurse to weigh me backwards and not show me my weight, which she did. However, when I left, they give me my paperwork for check-out and they were going over it with me and my weight was on there. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I knew I was going to weigh more than the last time I saw my weight a couple months ago, but never in all my life did I think would weigh this much (except perhaps when the day comes that I am pregnant). BTW, my doctor didn't think I needed any blood work done so I left the doctor's office feeling like it was a complete waste of time going. When I told my friend Sarah about this later on in the day, she had some really good words of wisdom that I want to share with you. She said..."its just a stupid number that flashes on a screen. It means nothing and nobody even knows that number but you. You don't walk around with a number on your forehead. nobody cares and at the end of the day what is obsessing over it going to do?" I really liked that and it was good to hear. I know body image is the last thing to go in an ED, and that's kind of exhausting to think about. But, I have faith that I will get there. I really want to compromise with my dietitian a weight that I feel comfortable with. I want to lose about 5-10lbs. If I did that I would still be in my weight range, and I would still be healthy. The tricky part is how do I do that without using behaviors. I will talk to her about this at our appointment on Monday.

I've been thinking about taking a break from therapy. But, I don't think that's a good idea. I think what's happening is I want to run from my feelings and just use ED instead. At least I can recognize that, but therapy still scares me right now. Probably something I should talk to my therapist about...

Anyway...that's all for now.

quotations

“For it’s so clear that in order to begin to live in the present we must first redeem the past, and that can only be done by suffering, by strenuous, uninterrupted labour. Understand that, Anya.” - Anton Chekhov, the Cherry Orchard

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time." - Stephen Chbosky

"Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild."
— Paulo Coelho

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."
— Maya Angelou

"If love and beauty were easy to find, they would not exist. Chaos and sadness exist in order for you to find the love and beauty in them. So that love and beauty mean something. It’s meant to be hard."

— I Wrote This For You

"How does one become a butterfly? They have to want to learn to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
— Trina Paulus

"‘You know, you’re a little complicated after all.”
“Oh no,” she assured him hastily. “No, I’m not really - I’m just a - I’m just a whole lot of different simple people.’"

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender Is the Night

"But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light."
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Some birds aren’t meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice."

— The Shawshank Redemption

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."

— Og Mandino

scream

Today was such a fucking mess.

I woke up and I was SO tired and SO anxious. I forced myself to take a shower and make myself look presentable. I headed off to therapy. I had a lot on my mind. My therapist asked how I have been doing with my food and I told her the truth...that I have been struggling. Her response was short and to the point..."You need to get back on track." She's right...but it still stung. I should have said why I have been struggling. But she didn't ask and I didn't offer. My fault. I told her how discouraged and defeated I have felt towards my recovery lately. She said she truly believes full recovery is possible for me, that I am no different or any more messed up than anyone else. It felt good to hear her belief in me. I know that recovery is a long road, and that it will take a while. And deep down I know I can do it. It's just been really hard to believe in myself lately.
Therapy brought up a lot of emotions that I just was tired of dealing with and it was just overwhelming and it sucked.

After therapy I went to Starbucks to get some coffee to wake myself up. But with all that caffeine, I still didn't wake up enough. I struggled through my shift at the restaurant. I was so low on energy and motivation. My co-workers noticed it. I was not hungry at all. But I knew I needed to order something to eat before going to nanny. I settled for a cup of chili. I went to my nannying job and my anxiety was just continuing to climb. After work I went home and changed and re-applied make-up to get ready for the event at the art gallery. My second mom texted me and told me she was only going to be able to stay for a half hour, so that was a bummer. My anxiety was climbing and so I took a Xanax to calm myself down. I got to the art gallery and bought our tickets and waited for Mrs. Robson. The event was really cool. I admired the courageous women who told their stories and believed that, I too, could one day come to a place of healing with my trauma. Mrs. Robson left and I was sitting by myself, which was fine. I wish she could have stuck around longer so we had a chance to talk, but I think we are having dinner next week. My therapist was at the event too. But I didn't talk to her other than to say hello. I think that would have been kind of awkward to have a casual conversation with my therapist out in public. My friend Karen was there and it was good to chat with her for a little bit, and a girl from my group was there too and we talked some as well. But there really wasn't a lot of time for talking because they had a bunch of speakers. There was a Q&A at the end and I was moved to tears when the speakers continued to tell the details of their stories and how they have come to heal. It gave me hope, but also left me with sadness. I was triggered a little bit, but not as much as I thought. I thought the event was going to focus more on sexual abuse, but instead it focused more on domestic violence and partner abuse. I would have liked to have heard a woman tell her story about sexual abuse. But oh well.

Anyway, I came home and was still really anxious and just pissed off at life. I ate my dinner, sort of. Whatever. This day is done and I can start over tomorrow.

thoughts

Well today sucked. I was leaving work to go to my next job. I guess I didn't look behind me before I backed out and I ran into someone else who was backing out. The woman got out of her car and started screaming and cursing at me. Her daughter and grandchild were also in the car. She wanted to call the cops just to report the accident, but they couldn't come to the accident because it was in a parking lot, and not a busy road or street. I called the mom of the kids I babysit to tell her I might be late to the bus stop. She asked if I was okay and I started crying. I felt stupid. I didn't want to cry. But it was like, when you try so hard not to cry that you make this weird face and cry anyway. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just a scary situation and I felt stupid for not looking before I backed out. The damage to the other persons car wasn't too bad, and I only had a minor scrape on my Jeep. We exchanged insurance information and I went on to the bus stop because there was still time before the bus got there. One of the other moms, who my boss had already called and told I might be late...saw my bloodshot eyes and my splotchy face and asked if I was okay and I started crying again and she pulled me into a hug. I just had to take lots of deep breaths before I stopped crying. I was so upset that I was not hungry at all. I managed to eat some of my lunch, but probably not enough. When Jane (my boss, the mom) got home she had brought a flower with her to give to me. It was so sweet!

I'm just...frustrated with food right now. I feel like I will never be able to eat as well as I did in treatment and the couple of months after. I want to eat normally. Yet sometimes I feel like I get so full so fast, that it's impossible to finish my meal. I have cravings for food, specific food sometimes, yet the ED part of my brain tells me that I should settle for a salad instead of a sandwich. Sometimes I want a root beer instead of water or diet coke, so I settle for a water because my ED tells me to. I love ice cream and chocolate, but ED won't let me have it whenever I want it. Because I am still gaining weight (when I don't even need to) I am scared of eating things that are normal. Am I restricting? Yes. Any dietitian would say I am. It's not enough to lose weight, and while that shouldn't be an excuse, it's a failure to ED. I should not give ED so much power. I am stronger than him. I don't want to be at the weight I was pre-treatment, but I do not see the possibility of accepting my body at the weight it is now, which is a good 20-30lbs heavier than 8 months ago. I know that food is just a symptom. And I know the reasons behind my symptoms. But does anyone else feel like eating disorders are so much more complicated than feeling bad about something and using behaviors to cope with it? I just feel like there are so many factors and so many feelings and emotions and just SO much that goes on and it's like...people really recovery fully? How? For me, it just feels so...crazy. Impossible? Maybe. When you have lived with a brain like mine for as long as I have, full recovery seems pretttty impossible. I think I might pose a question to my therapist and dietitian. Do they think full recovery is possible for me? If so, what exactly do I need to do, to achieve that? I want them to tell me what they truly think, and not just what they are supposed to say.

Well, that's all that's on my mind right now. I'm feeling a lot better since last night. My sore throat is gone, I'm not achy all over, and I don't feel feverish. I'm just really congested and tired. But at least it's getting better.

I will write more on Thursday!

sick

I've been sick the past week. It's been getting worse every day. Today it was the worst. My whole body aches. I don't think I've had a fever, which makes me think I have a virus. Fortunately I had the whole day off work today, so I slept in until 1pm, then crashed at my parent's house the rest of the day, watching TV and napping. I went out to dinner with my mom and my sisters, because I had to eat. They were not sympathetic to how bad I was feeling at all. It really made me mad. It's 10pm and I'm probably going to go up to bed in a few minutes. I have to go back to work tomorrow and if I don't feel any better tomorrow then it's going to be a long day.

Because I have been sick, not much has been on my mind besides how awful I feel. This Thursday is an event at a local art gallery called "Through the Fire: Reclaiming Lost Power after Trauma and Abuse." I have been really wanting to go to it, but had no one to go with and have been thinking it is not such a good idea to go to an event like this alone. When I told my second mom about it a couple weeks ago, she said she would love to go with me but needed to check her calander. She texted me last night and told me she can go! I am so glad! Having her there with me will help so much! I am still really nervous about it, but I am hoping I will walk away from it with insight and feeling stronger to heal from my trauma.

Well, I really don't have much else to say. Sorry this was so boring. Maybe I will have something more interesting to say later on in the week.

new hair

nostalgia

I feel like my blog has been really boring/negative lately. At first I wanted to change it, but I realized if I did that then I wouldn't be writing things that aren't from my heart, and instead writing what people want to hear. A large part of why I keep this blog is for myself. It helps to sort out my thoughts, and what goes on for me day to day. The fact that my blog is public is because I hope that my struggles, as well as triumphs, will help people in some way, help them feel like they are not alone in their struggles. I think every one can benefit from knowing they aren't alone. That's my little thought for the day. Now onto some other things...

I don't know if it's the cooler weather, but lately I have been reminded of Remuda a lot. I hear a song that we used to play or sing, I see a shirt hanging in my closet that I wore when I was there, or my head just goes back to silly, yet meaningful memories. My first two weeks at Remuda this time around were hell. They were still trying to figure out my anxiety meds and nothing was really working. I was so anxious that I was regurgitating my meals (not on purpose). But none the less, I was still doing really hard work and interacting with the other girls. I don't know that I miss Remuda, well sometimes I do. As deeply uncomfortable as it was at times, there were also the times it felt comforting. The strict schedule, the faces of people you saw day in and day out, the horses, the chapel, it became familiar after a while. Maybe I have been thinking about it more because I have been struggling a little bit. Maybe I wish I could go back for a week and be reminded of why I don't want an eating disorder. But I know I don't want to go back...ever. And perhaps that's the best motivation ever. Knowing I don't want to waste another 3-4 months of my life. I know, it's not wasting it if I was getting help. But there is so much more than a life of eating disorders. This I have to believe, because I don't really remember a life consisting of a normal relationship with food. It will come, in time.

Therapy was...difficult yesterday. Not really in the mood to elaborate, but I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was extremely tired. I had another slip-up with self harm this week and...blah. I don't feel like writing about it. Moving on.


There's really not much else going on. I am so glad it's Friday. I am getting my hair dyed dark brown tomorrow. I can't wait! I am so tired of my boring brown hair. I don't have to work on Monday so I am really happy about that too. Anyway, that's all I have for now!

worn out

I am so tired. I feel so run down and worn out. I live for the weekends because that's when I can re-energize myself. It is such a struggle to get through the week. *Sigh*

I had to wake up this morning at 7am, for an appointment with my psychiatrist a half hour away. I basically went in my pajamas, no make-up on, hair in a messy bun. I didn't care. I was so freaking tired and I hate mornings so much. I thought I wouldn't be able to talk about much so early in the morning, but I was able to express the feelings I have been feeling lately pertaining to that one horrible year of my life when I was 11-12. He offered some really good insight. And I am anxious to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. I think I have been hindering my recovery lately by keeping these things to myself. As painful as that period in my life is, I know it is so necessary to talk about it in order to live a healthy life, to regain my power, and to not have fear rule my life.

After the appointment I came back home and went back to sleep for a couple hours before I had to get up again and get ready for work. I was so tired that I didn't feel like taking a shower or planning an outfit. I just threw on some jeans and a gray boyfriend t-shirt. Well wouldn't you know that I saw like 3 people I knew at work today. I looked gross and huge. It was so embarrassing. I just wanted to crawl into a hole.

After my first job, I got lunch to go and went on to my second job. I ate what I usually eat for lunch...a salad with grilled chicken on top. But for some reason today I got really full and sick after eating it. The first thought that popped in my head was that I wanted to purge. But I didn't. The fullness feeling went away eventually, but whenever I think about that meal I feel sick. I don't know what it was. Ugh. The kids at work were especially rowdy and unruly. I was just really annoyed. The youngest kid is grounded again and that means I have to entertain him. I am starting to think that's not really fair to me.

After work, I went home and took a quick shower because I felt so gross and dirty. Then I had an appointment with my dietitian. While in the waiting room, my therapist was getting her things together and about to leave (she and my dietitian share an office suite). It was good to just casually chat with her and crack some jokes while waiting on my dietitian. My dietitian appointment went well. I am doing better with breakfast, and I didn't skip as many meals this week. Although, I exercised a little too much this week, but nothing to be concerned about. I just need to cut back a little bit. I can deal with that. My dietitian had not weighed me in a month so she felt like she needed to. I did not look at the number. At first, part of me wished I had. I wanted to know my weight so much. I wanted that control factor. I wanted to know if it had gone down or up or stayed the same since a month ago. My dietitian didn't tell me the number, only that I had gained weight. Excuse my language but...WHAT THE FUCK. I was just about to die right then and there. I can't even think about it or write about it now because, well...this whole thing sucks. My dietitian doesn't know why I am still gaining weight. It's not like I'm overeating. If anything, I am eating less than I did at Remuda. And as I remember, I had a really hard time gaining weight at Remuda. I only gained 5lbs while I was there. Why is the number still going up? My dietitian wants me to get all this blood work done because she things something might be wrong with me. Super.

So after that I went to the grocery store. I made a poor, ED choice and had fruit for dinner. But I wasn't hungry, not at all. I still felt disgusted after lunch. I was getting drowsy from taking my anxiety medication earlier so I went to my bed and fell asleep. I woke up suddenly and felt really nauseous and thought I was going to puke. But I guess I was tired enough to sleep through it.

Now I feel super anxious and really uncomfortable in my skin. I have therapy in the morning. I am going to curl into a ball on her couch. Remember the movie Forrest Gump? The quote..."Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly. Fly far, far away from here." That's how I feel right now.