overwhelmed

So if you are expecting another super positive blog post, you aren't going to get one. Don't get me wrong, things are still going well, but I also sense that I am backsliding. Not so much with food though. I have had a couple bad days, but nothing horrible. I am still eating something at all three meals of the day. But I have NO APPETITE. It sucksss. I want to be hungry so badly, so eating will be easier. I can't really figure out why I'm not hungry. I guess it could be stress and depression. Not so much anxiety though.

I've been really stressed out. I just have so much on my plate right now. My schedule feels jam packed. I had to cancel a coffee date with someone tonight because I was too exhausted to do it. I barely made it through today. It's really quite pathetic. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and he mentioned how I seem quieter and depressed. He thinks my state of exhaustion might have to do with my medications. So he is having me cut my Klonopin in half. I'm really nervous about cutting back on my anxiety meds because I am absolutely terrified of having debilitating anxiety like I did last year. But I'm willing to give it a try. I almost started crying when I was talking to him this morning. I just felt so tired and didn't want to take on the day, or the rest of the week really. I somehow found the energy to get through today.

I am feeling so much better about recovery, but there still are things that haunt me. I still get jealous when I see a really skinny girl. I think to myself, "God I wish I had gotten that thin. Then I would have accomplished something!" I know that in reality, those girls are miserable and suffering. Bu sometimes there are parts of me that think that having an ED is "glamorous". Such bullshit, I know. And now I also get jealous of people who are doing better in their recovery than me, or are farther along. I just feel like I should have made more progress by now. Like, I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice a week for the past 9 years. That's a lot of therapy. Although, I haven't worked on my core issues until the past 2 years so...I guess it's not too bad.
I just hate how slow my recovery seems to be going. But I guess better that than falling back into a full blown relapse and overdosing or dying from my ED. My very best friend who I was in treatment with this past February and March is doing so well! I am so, so proud of her. But I also feel like my progress is insignificant compared to hers. That sounds so bad doesn't it? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have ED be gone. But it's not like that, not at all. It's such a process, such a long process. And that frustrates me sometimes. But I'm in it for the long haul.

I have been having a lot of feelings of detachment and feeling disconnected from my body lately. I'm not sure of the cause exactly. Possibly I am just so stressed out and overwhelmed that I am subconsciously disconnecting myself from my feelings and all my stressors. I will definitely be bringing this up in therapy tomorrow.

I am so, so excited for the ED awareness walk this weekend. My two really good friends from Remuda are coming too! I haven't seen Michelle since May when she and Erin came here to visit. And I haven't seen Ashley since the day I left the Ranch to fly out to RLP in Arizona, back in March. I am so excited to see Ashley. We both had the same admit date and the same discharge date. We were roomies. The chairs we sat in during the day were right next to each other. We had the same Family Week. I felt such a bond with her. It will be so good to see her again!

Well my mind is just throwing out thoughts left and right and I just really can't handle it right now. My eyes are starting to fill with tears and I do not want to cry. It's 8pm and I could totally go to bed for the night right now. I'm probably going to stay up for a couple more hours though and watch TV.

I will update more hopefully this weekend.