I wish I was "better"

I don't mean better in terms of my recovery, because that's something that's such a process. And I accept that one day I will be recovered, but it definitely won't happen over night. What I'm talk about is...I wish I was better at things I am passionate about.

I love to write. I always have. I have been told that I am a great writer, that I am great at expressing myself through writing. It's so much easier for me to write than it is to talk. I want to write a book. I want to write essays about my journey and my life. But I wish I was better at writing. I compare my writing to other people's, not famous authors or anything, but other bloggers. And, I wish I could write like them. They write so beautifully. It flows and just...works.
I want to be better at writing.

I want to be better at working out/exercising. I was an athlete growing up. I was involved in sports all year round. I was told I had a natural athletic talent and ability that many people dream of. I LOVED playing sports. It made me happy. It made me feel whole. It made me feel confident. I was good at it. I won lots of awards. I accomplished ALOT. But I wish I was better. And now that I'm not involved in organized sports, I have to figure out on my own how to get back to that place of...being athletic and loving being active. It's so hard to be active on my own, especially when I'm tired, and somewhat depressed. I just can't find the motivation. It sucks. Being active was such a HUGE part of my life, and I miss it. Why can't I get motivated? I'm scared I won't ever be in the kind of shape I was my senior year of high school.

I want to be a better friend. I've never had a close group of friends, not even in high school or middle school. I didn't go away to college after graduating high school and i feel like because of that I didn't get the opportunity to form a close knit group of friends. I had a best friend that I met in treatment 8 years ago. But she sort of stopped talking to me a year ago. We have recently re-connected but we are both so different now. I love her to death, but we just sort of grew apart. My best friend now is Erin, we met in treatment earlier this year. She lives in Maryland though, so we don't get to hang out too often. I don't really have a social life. And I hate that. That needs to change. And with the friends I do have, I wish I was a better friend to them. I wish I had the right words to say, and just have it come naturally to me. That makes me sad. I am lonely a lot.

This was a depressing post. But something I needed to get off my chest.