Getting Back on Track

Well, I think I'm finally getting back on track. It's slow, but it's better than nothing.

I have incorporated breakfast back into my days, as much as I don't want to. And while it's not really as much as I should be eating, at least I am starting with something. I am struggling with other meals, but I am being honest about it with my treatment team. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over meals, a lot of the "I'm not really hungry" feelings too. It's been really frustrating. I seem to be hungry for breakfast and lunch, and then by dinner I am not hungry at all. And then a couple hours later I am practically starving.

I saw my therapist on Thursday. That went pretty well. We talked about how anger is playing a huge part in this recent "lapse" that I am going through. For so long I have always felt that when I am angry, I can't express it or let myself feel it because I feel like I am to blame. So I realized that by talking about this with my therapist, that I DO have valid reasons for my anger, especially right now, with everything that's been going on with my family. I have a right to my anger. My therapist gave me a couple of homework assignments to work on until I see her next week, one of them regarding my anger. My therapist was pretty insistent on having me come back next week, instead of waiting two weeks like we have been. I was hesitant and didn't say no, but I didn't say yes either. So my therapist basically told me I am coming back next week, with love of course.

I have been emailing my dietitian every couple of days with my food intake as well as my thoughts and feelings. She emailed me back and said we have a lot to discuss. Our session on Wednesday should be interesting.

I am absolutely disgusted with my body right now. I hate to say that, I hate to be so negative. But I am. I do not know if I am going to be able to wear a bikini this summer. If I had to wear one right now I would be SO embarrassed. I really want to be able to come to a place where I can accept my body. I just...feel so huge.

On a better note, my parent's have decided to take me on a Spring Break trip this year! I am so excited! I haven't been on a vacation (other than our annual family beach vacation) since my Sophomore year of high school when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving. We are going to Kiawah Island in Charleston, South Carolina! I have never been here before and I am so excited! It will be just my parents and I, and my two dogs.

I have group on Monday night. I'm very anxious about this. I've been known to my group as "such a strong person" and I just am feeling embarrassed to go to group and talk about all these struggles that are happening.

There isn't much else going on. I am just so glad it's the weekend. It's so nice to relax.