Therapy mode and a challenge

This week has been full of appointments, which has been really good. I needed the extra support. I had group on Monday night. Dietitian appointment last night. And therapy this morning. I will touch on each of the three.

Group was really good, but also really intense. It was just me and one other girl, and the group leader. I actually prefer it when there are fewer people because we have more time to talk and more time to get/give feedback. So, anyway I just talked about how difficult things have been lately. I was in a really dark place in my head that night, so it was good timing I guess. I just kind of had this realization that I am absolutely terrified of struggling any more than I am right now. Terrified. It would just be one step closer to relapse and I cannot go through that again. I don't know how I made it through last time, and so I believe that if I had a full blown relapse again, that I wouldn't survive. So, I am so scared of doing any worse than I am now. I just cannot go backwards. I got pretty teared up saying all this in group. My group leader and the other girl there were so, so supportive and had so much great feedback for me and that made me feel a lot better. I was definitely pretty drained after group that night.

My dietitian appointment last night was pretty interesting. We talked a lot about how I have had my eating disorder for so long (9 years) and how it has truly become my identity. Now that I am in recovery, now that I am in a good place in my life for the first time since my eating disorder started, my identity of having an eating disorder is falling away. It's scary trying to figure out who I am without it, because I'm not really sure. There still is part of me that wants to fill the holes back up with my eating disorder. So we talked about that and then we talked about how I have been struggling with dinner a lot. I won't bore you with the details of that, but she gave me some good tips to make that easier. And then, she posed a challenge to me. You see, I have this HUGE fear of eating in front of people. I don't have a problem eating in front of a large group of people, or people I have known and eaten with forever, like my family. But I am scared of eating one on one with people, or around people I don't know, or in party situations. I just think people are judging me and stuff. So my dietitian suggested we go out somewhere and eat together. I about fell on the floor when she said that. I told her I didn't want to do that. Then she brought up my ultimate "fear food". Which is cake. So then she suggested I buy cupcakes and bring them in to one of our sessions so we can eat that together. I don't know which option is scarier. As crazy as it sounds, I think eating the cake would be easier because it's not a whole meal. BUT STILL! I was pretty adamant about not wanting to do that either. She said she thinks it's something I really need to do. She also said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do, but she wants me to really think about it and maybe come up with a plan.
Oh my gosh, I don't know if I can handle this. I almost started crying just talking about it! How on earth am I going to react actually doing it?
Any words of advice on this one guys?

I had therapy this morning. That went pretty well. We talked a lot about how I need to find things outside of my eating disorder and recovery to focus on. So we talked about trying to find a church I can start going to. She also suggested I get back in touch with my artsy side. I love making collages and I love making abstract types of art. So, I think I am going to find a project or two and get started on that.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO glad! This week has just inched by. I have felt sick every day this week and that combined with lack of sleep has made me really grumpy and really depressed. I just really really hope that next week is better, in all ways. I want my energy back.

Oh, by the way. I know this isn't for a while but...I have some anniversaries coming up in the next couple of months.

February 10: 1 year since being admitted to the psychiatrist hospital for attempted suicide.
February 14: 1 year since I last purged <--- that is so huge for me, I cannot even explain
February 15: 1 year since being admitted to Remuda Ranch
March 31: 1 year in RECOVERY!