I have been feeling really triggered lately by other people's struggles. Whenever I see someone post on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever about how awful they are doing, how much they are sick of eating, how much they hate their body and want to lose weight, how they have relapsed...it triggers me. It makes me miss my eating disorder, but at the same time it turns me away from my ED. I know that at times I have been triggering to others as well. So I feel like a big hypocrite for posting about this. But it's been weighing on my mind heavily and I just need to release it. I am so sick of the eating disorder world. It can be full of a very supportive and loving community, but also very full of jealousy and comparing. People are being pretty specific about their behaviors, and I just feel like I am in a very vulnerable place right now with my ED and I do not want to fall back into behaviors on a consistent basis, or even at all. I feel like I might need to cut some people out of my life, just until I feel stronger in my recovery. I will most likely bring this up in therapy on Thursday.
I'm also in a very hard place with depression. Thank God I have 2 jobs because otherwise I would for sure be laying in bed all day. I have been isolating, avoiding friends, avoiding hanging out with friends. I had a great day today. It started off by getting an email from someone very close to my heart who encouraged me to have a great day. So I did. And then I came home and sat on my bed and cried for literally an hour. No, I'm not on my period. Just ending it. So it's not that. I'm not even sure why I cried. I missed people, especially the person who sent me that email. I also feel stuck. I don't want to move backwards in recovery or life, but I'm also scared of moving forwards, for reasons I haven't figure out yet. I just feel sick and tired, all the time.
I just need to not do any worse than I am doing now, to somehow find the strength to make it through this month and next month. I know things will turn away. I am just getting tired of waiting.
I really relate to this: "I know that at times I have been triggering to others as well. So I feel like a big hypocrite for posting about this...I am so sick of the eating disorder world. It can be full of a very supportive and loving community, but also very full of jealousy and comparing."
ReplyDelete1. I don't think it's hypocritical at all. I struggle with the same issue: I feel like since I'm not totally "recovered" it's hypocritical of me to be frustrated with things I see online. I have been feeling very frustrated with some people lately and even though it's hard to set up boundaries or delete people from facebook/twitter sometimes it's necessary. I hope you don't feel that I have triggered you in any way.
2. I wish I could offer you some advice, but all I can say is that I really relate to this and that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. You're such a great girl, Holly and you're in my thoughts.
-elisa
I can totally relate. Whenever I read ED blogs that talk about specific behaviors, I'm not necessarily compelled to use those specific behaviors, but I feel that I'm not trying as hard as they are to be...thin...eating disordered...strong...sad? I don't even know. Half of me can't stand the thought of living without my ED but half of me hates it, and that is the half that's making the decisions when I snack and eat all of my meals everyday.
ReplyDeleteI also suffer with depression - am currently on meds. If I didn't have a job keeping me busy, I literally would lay on my bed and cry for the entire day, for no particular reason at all. I have so much to be happy about and grateful for, and I truly am, but when I'm upset and/or anxious, there is typically nothing I can pinpoint in terms of what set it off.
I don't remember the last time I spent more than an hour with a friend, and actually the last time was with a friend on a walk - so, I used it as an excuse to exercise. I look forward to being alone TOO much.
I've been reading your blog for awhile and thought I'd comment and let you know that I have felt and do feel everything you feel!
Take care :)
Alli