Tears.

So I'm sitting here, and it's raining and thundering outside (which always relaxes me) and I'm listening to Hillsong United (one of my favorite Christian music groups). I'm trying to fight off the tears that I feel coming. I shouldn't fight them off, I know. I just want to get through this blog post.

I had a really awesome and intense conversation over dinner tonight with my second mom. First, you should know that she is my favorite person in this world. Very loving, very caring, very supportive, very motherly. She has known me since the 7th grade. She's seen me through it all pretty much. Anyway, I hadn't seen her in about a month because she was on vacation. I was anxious and scared to tell her about my recent struggles. I know she loves me no matter what, but I was scared she would be disappointed or frustrated. She was neither of those things. She reacted as she always does, with love and concern, but also hope. I told her my worries about being a bad friend lately. My worries of bothering my friends, my dearest friends whom I met in treatment. Who understand things that no one else on this earth can understand. I told her how I have pulled away from them, and held back the truth, in fear of triggering them, scaring them, worrying them, and pushing them away. I have desperately wanted to talk to them, hug them, cry with them, but I feel I am not worthy. I would NEVER be mad at them or disappointed if they were struggling, but for some reason I feel like they have every right to be mad at me. My second mom talked about how I need them, I deserve their love, and she is sure they would love to be there for me. I started to cry. I started to cry because I started thinking of my girls (Erin, Michelle, and Ashley). How much I miss them. How much I need them. In that moment I wanted to call them and pour my heart out. My second mom reached across the table and held my hand for several minutes, with tears in her eyes as well. She said, "I see your pain, and I know you don't like seeing me cry, but I care about you and I KNOW your friends do too." I don't know if I would have been able to believe that had she not pointed it out. The rest of our conversation was so helpful and instilled so much hope and life into me. I came home and called my friend Michelle and left a voicemail. I am going to call the other two girls tomorrow night.

(and here come the tears...)

 Erin, if you read this....I'm so sorry I haven't been a good friend. You mean the world to me and I love you so much. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

I'm on Day 1 (again) of no purging. It was a battle. I was forced to restrict in order to not purge. I really want that cycle to end. I am going to talk about it with my treatment team in my appointments tomorrow.

I got a bunch of blood drawn on Monday per my psychiatrist because I have been having a lot of distressing symptoms. My psychiatrist emailed me the results tonight and told me I have low Vitamin D and anemia. Nothing terribly concerning, and nothing that can't be fixed without vitamins and a proper diet. But still scary none-the-less.

There's a lot of other stuff swirling around in my head, but I'm too drained to type it all out. And frankly, I want to work through some of it with my treatment team before posting about it.

But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.