a little bump in the road

So...sorry that I don't update that often. I just haven't felt motivated to do so.

Things are going okay. I had a really rough week last week. I lost my credit card and had to cancel it. My phone froze up and I had to go get it fixed (time for the iPhone). I got in a fender bender, although that turned out okay because no damage was done to me or my car and it wasn't my fault. And then when I saw my dietitian on Wednesday, I saw that I was 1lb over my ideal weight. Granted, I am still in my weight range. But it totally sucks that I'm at my highest weight in several years. And even though I am healthy and this is how it's supposed to be, it doesn't make it any easier. Needless to say, my body image has been beyond horrible. I cried really hard for the first time since being home. I needed to cry and it felt good afterwards, but it still sucked. My anxiety has been a little higher too, and that is frustrating.

I'm scared. I almost had a panic attack over all of this last night. I kept thinking...I don't want to lose what I have worked so hard for these past couple of months. I have been doing so well. I don't want to lose it. I can't. But I feel myself slipping and I want to cry thinking about it. I know better. I know how to say NO to my ED this time around. I need to keep up with my meals and healthy coping skills. I start my new job working with kids tomorrow and I HAVE to be healthy and eating right, otherwise I won't be at my best.

I'm also lonely. I don't have any friends here at home. It makes me miss my Remuda sisters ten times more. I miss that bond we all had. I miss that certain level of understanding, that no one else here gets. I miss the hugs. I miss crying and not feeling weird about it. I even miss having a roommate.

But, I know this isn't defeat. I know that I am still doing pretty well and I need to just go up from here, no going back down. I lean on the fact that I believe in myself and know I can recover and I want to recover. So I just have to make it happen.

An employee from Remuda messaged me last night and told me to listen to a certain song after I had just written her about my recent struggles. It was totally what I needed to hear. I now listen to it every morning.
"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

passing time

1 My earliest memory is ...
preschool

2 My school report usually said ...
great at reading

3 When I was a child I wanted to work for ...
well, I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast

4 My worst job ever was ...
Panera

5 My first romance ...
sort of was a disaster

6 My most treasured possession is ...
my diving medals. I worked so hard for them and there are so many good memories attached to them.

7 My mother always told me ...
to mind my manners.

8 I've never been any good at ...
math.

9 If my life were made into a movie I'd be played by ...
Hmm, Jennifer Garnett or Ashley Judd

10 I wish I had ...
ten million dollars

11 I wish I hadn't ...
slacked off so much in high school

12 My guiltiest pleasure is ...
the candy section in grocery stores

13 My best trait is ...
I'm caring and compassionate

14 My worst trait is ...
worrying

15 The book that changed my life was ...
either Prozac Nation or Catcher in the Rye

16 It's not fashionable but I love ...
sweatpants

17 If I could live anywhere I'd choose ...
Arizona or the beach

18 I'm happiest when ...
I'm at the beach

19 My #1 all-time celebrity crush is ...
George Clooney

20 My #1 all-time favourite movie is ...
Steel Magnolias

21 I really dislike ...
waking up to an alarm

22 I often wonder ...
who my husband will be.

Food Favorites

I decided to do 2 posts this week. One that is fun, and the other one is an update. So here is the fun one. In my eating disorder, I never had a favorite food. I hated everything. It all tasted the same. But now that I'm in recovery, I have found so many new and old foods that I enjoy. Grocery shopping is still stressful, but can also be fun when looking for new foods to try. So here is a list of my favorite foods.

- Strawberries. I seriously cannot get enough of these. I buy them fresh and cut them up and refrigerate them. I usually end up eating the whole container in one sitting.

- Watermelon. This has always been a favorite of mine. I love the taste, and how I associate it with summer time.

- Greek Yogurt. This is a new one for me. I was never a big yogurt person, but I love this stuff! So far my favorite brands are Fage, Dannon, and Stonyfield. I like the flavored kinds, or with fruit on the bottom. I also love adding granola to it.

-Nutella. Yum. I love this stuff. It's a good substitute for peanut butter (one of my fear foods). It's good on toast or with fruit, especially bananas and strawberries.

- Craisins (dried cranberries). I first was introduced to these at the Ranch. I fell in love with them. They are so sweet and have so much flavor to them. They are perfect for snacks as well. I have to portion these out, otherwise I will end up eating the whole bag.

-Hummus. Hummus is yummus!

-Salads with fruit in them. Brio has a really good salad with fruit, nuts, field green, and chicken. Anybody know of any other good restaurants that have good salads with fruit?


Okay so that's it for now. I am sure I will come across many other foods in my recovery!

What a week.

This week has just been...jam packed with so many different things. I work Monday through Thursday and then I had two appointments on Wednesday. Therapy was difficult. I was still half asleep and we talked more about EMDR. And I guess that stressed me out. So I went to work and when I got off I ordered the hummus plate for lunch because I love it and it has all the food groups I need in it. For some reason my anxiety was sky high during lunch and it was so hard to eat it, but I did. This was frustrating because I was not sure where all the anxiety was coming from and I hated it. My anxiety continued to climb and then I had an appointment with my dietitian later that day. The anxiety finally came down with the help of a medication I take when needed, and deep breaths. I think my dietitian appointment went well. I did a blind weight this week, so I don't know what my weight is.

Then on Thursday I had a dentist appointment. I hate going to the dentist. It's so annoying and uncomfortable. After wards, I stopped by my high school to visit my tutor. She was my tutor all through out middle and high school, and also served as a mentor to me and a go-to person when I needed to talk. It was so great to see her and talk to her. Then last night I talked to my soon-to-be boss for this summer. I got a job helping coach a dive team. I am SO excited and so happy that I have this opportunity. Coaching has always been the most rewarding job I've ever had.

And then today, I had therapy. It was a really difficult session. We went over my homework assignments, one of which included things related to my childhood trauma. It was really hard to talk about certain aspects of my trauma and how I feel about them. But I know it's important and I am hoping EMDR will be helpful.

That's about it with me. I've been more emotional this week than usual. And just overall tired and lazy feeling.

I just can't wait for summer to start, because I need some variety in my life.

That's all for now.

This is how I felt when I left Remuda

I heard this song and I put it with the memories of leaving Remuda and saying goodbye to people, getting on the plane, and touching down back in my home town. A really, really, great feeling. A triumphant feeling. I need to listen to this song every day, from now on.

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby.

The title of this post is from the song "Hand in my Pocket" by Alanis Morissette. Gotta love it.


So, things are going pretty well. I had this sort of...epiphany yesterday. I was driving to a park that I love. I had my window down and it was so pretty outside. While I was driving I was thinking about all the chaos in my head. I was thinking about food, meals plans, snacks, weight gain drinks, body image, weight, numbers, etc. For a moment I felt the breeze on my face and I had moment of peace and quiet. I suddenly said out loud, "Screw it!" I am so tired of playing a tug of war and fighting both sides of my brain. I said to myself that I am just going to eat. I am going to do what my dietitian tells me to do, I'm going to drink my weight gain drinks, and I am going to reach my ideal weight and deal with it when I get there. I sensed and saw how concerned my dietitian was on Wednesday and it scared me. She always says she can never be mad at me. But she should be. I have been screwing around with food since I've been home and I know better than to do that. So I am going to DO better. I really, really hope this feeling lasts. I am so tired of ED. It's been 8 years, which is far too long. Anyway, the title of this post relates to all of this because...I feel so lost in all of this chaos, in the meal plans and such. It's so much. But at the same time. I am hopeful I can manage and reach a place of peace and being okay with who I am. Today also happens to be my 1 month anniversary of being discharged from Remuda. It's gone by so slow. Yet it seems so long ago. It's strange.

I don't have much going on this week. Just work Monday through Thursday. Therapy is Wednesday. I'm not sure when I am seeing my dietitian this week. I'm making some people CD's this week, and catch up on my books. I seriously have 5 or 6 books I want to read right now. One of them my pastor told me to read. It's called "When bad things happen to good people." I want to get through that one, and then I have another one I'm in the middle of called "My Lobotomy: A memoir." And I bought 3 books today. Ahh! I love reading, so I have something to look forward to.

Well I think I might take a little nap before dinner. I will probably go to my parent's house to see my dogs and talk to my mom for a little bit. But I think I'm going to get dinner on my own tonight. I just want to lay in bed and watch movies. I hate waking up on Mondays.

P.S. I just ate a chocolate chip cookie and it was amazing!