On Friday I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was there for 6 days. The story of why I went and how I got there isn't that important, just that I knew I couldn't stay safe any longer and that if I didn't go in, then I would definitely take my own life. I chose a hospital two hours away from me, because they had an eating disorder unit that I was hopefully planning on moving over to. In the end, my shitty insurance denied coverage for me to go the eating disorder unit. It was one of the most frustrating and disappointing experiences. I needed the help with my ED, but my insurance company disagreed.
When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.
So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.
My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.
I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.
Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.
I was wondering where you were! I'm glad that you sought higher care when you didn't feel safe. I know how difficult it is to do that, and I'm thankful that you did! It stinks that your insurance didn't cover the treatment, but I'm glad you are recognizing the control you have in choosing recovery and that even though it may suck, your parents are helping provide additional support. Definitely take advantage of that to the best of your ability to help you stay on your feet. I think it's smart that you are researching treatment centers, but it hope it doesn't have to get to that point for you. I'm glad you were able to have a week off work to get situated, but I'm sure it'll be nice to be back on a schedule. Good for you, for ramping up your appointments outpatient. I've found that when I've had "issues" with my therapist, it's helped to either talk to a different treatment team member about it or even email my therapist about it...because the more you hold back something that is a problem, the more it will hinder your ability to work well together. Make sense? It was always easier for me to write or type things out like that then say it in person or you can even leave a voicemail after hours and express to her what the issue is. Hope that helps and you have your beach vacation coming up so keep pushing forward so you can go to BHI!!! Love you. Take good care of yourself. You are worth it! Kristin
ReplyDeletebeen thinking about you a lot lately actually. I'm glad you were able to get some help and that you didn't take your life. Praying that the Lord will give you strength right now and that He will comfort your soul.
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