Unbearable Loneliness

I think it's the worst it's ever been. It shouldn't be though. I really have a lot of good going on in my life. I started a new job as a gymnastics coach, and I've really clicked with the other coaches, and one of my former teammates works there as well. I have gotten really close to my friends at my hostessing job, who have also really had my back when it comes to a situation with another co-worker who has been a total bitch to me for no reason.

I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.

I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.

I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.

I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.

More Progress to be Made

I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.

But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".

My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.

I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.

it gets worse before it gets better.

The title of this post is so true when it comes to healing from trauma. I've been working really hard with my therapist since the end of the summer. It's been so hard, and so painful. But I am making progress. But it's still hard. Today was one of the most intense and overwhelming therapy sessions I've ever had. I had a full on breakdown/flashback/dissociative episode. My therapist responded in the most perfect way and I was so glad she was there for me. I was SO out of it after therapy. I felt like I had just run a marathon. My therapist walked me out and down the hall to the elevator, but she must have sensed that I was still really out of it. She rode down the elevator with me. I don't know how, but I drove myself home. I was so dizzy and everything was fuzzy and I think I was still disconnected. I got home and had a little over an hour before I needed to be at work. I literally walked up the stairs to my room, took off my shoes, and crawled under my bed covers and set my alarm for when I needed to wake up to go to work. I instantly fell asleep. Once I woke up I felt better. It was just really intense and I've kind of felt down in the dumps all day and not motivated at all. I'm now at home and in my bed with a heating pad on my chest. I feel anxious that that intense feeling and experience will happen again , but this time alone. I just need to distract, distract, distract.

I've decided that I want to go back to school. Although, I have NO idea how I am going to pay for that. I want to get my associate's degree in early childhood education, and eventually teach pre-school. I think that would be a perfect job for me. I could technically get my degree by taking online classes through the local community college. But I do need to do more research. Figure out what preschools require you to have a degree or not, or if I need any type of certification. And of course, if I need to go back to school, figure out how to pay for it. I'm tired of the jobs I have now. They aren't challenging and I'm really unhappy at them.

Friday I am going to my regular doctor to get checked out. I have been having some really distressing symptoms for the past couple of months. I am nauseous every day, bloated to the point where I look pregnant, I have night sweats and hot flashes, insomnia, irregular periods, episodes of vertigo, etc. I saw my dietitian on Monday night and she weighed me on her super duper scale and I had a really high level of fluid in me, and I had gained weight. I told her about my symptoms and she is convinced I have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's also been suggested that I have some sort of thyroid issue. Anyway, I'm just really anxious to get some answer about what's going on with me. Because I'm miserable.

Not much else is going on. I'm still motivated for recovery, but otherwise I'm really unhappy. 

So basically...

There is a lot of shit going on with me right now. I haven't been blogging because honestly it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about. I have had new trauma memories re-surface and all I want to say about that is that I am a huge mess right now and it's freaking me out.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments.  I'm tired.

this and that.

I'm currently at the beach on vacation. It is Heaven here. The weather is perfect and I love the beach so I am feeling super relaxed. We are here (my family and I) until next Sunday. Which means I will be spending my birthday here, which I have NO problem with.

Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.

I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.

I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.

My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.

It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.

Anyway, that's it with me. For now.

Hospital

On Friday I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was there for 6 days. The story of why I went and how I got there isn't that important, just that I knew I couldn't stay safe any longer and that if I didn't go in, then I would definitely take my own life. I chose a hospital two hours away from me, because they had an eating disorder unit that I was hopefully planning on moving over to. In the end, my shitty insurance denied coverage for me to go the eating disorder unit. It was one of the most frustrating and disappointing experiences. I needed the help with my ED, but my insurance company disagreed.

When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.

So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.

My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.

I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.

Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.

Relapse

Yep. I just used that word, relapsed. I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Over the past year I have had slip ups and lapses, but always held onto hope and knew I could pull myself out of it. Right now I have little to no hope, and I don't see myself ever recovering. Deep down I REALLY want to recover, but I don't believe that I can. It's super frustrating and a hopeless feeling.

I saw my dietitian last night. I lost more weight. She seemed concerned and worried about my health. I felt so bad because she is so nice to me and loves me so much and tries to help me with all her might. But what she was asking me to do last night, to increase my meal plan, was something I felt like I was not willing to do. I hated telling her that, but it was the truth, and I always stay honest. I have been heavily restricting. My biggest fear is that I will lose my job and I will have to move back home. That's a very real possibility, as I lost a job 3 years ago due to my ED. If that happened I would be absolutely devastated. My dietitian is out of town for the next 3 weeks, which scares the crap out of me. So I will only have my therapist to lean on, as well as friends and my second mom. Because I couldn't really commit to a meal plan, my dietitian incorporated Boost supplements into my days. I have to have at least 2, and then we will go from there. I am so hesitant to drink them, because they remind me SO much of treatment and have so many bad memories attached the them, but I don't feel like I can eat solid food right now. My dietitian also suggested I find someone in my life that can keep me accountable with that, and who can eat dinner with me 1-2 times a week. My second mom will be that person. I already called her and asked her and she said yes. I feel so much guilt over it.

Therapy this morning was terrible. I left feeling so much worse. I don't feel like I accomplished anything, which is mostly my fault because I can't seem to do what my therapist is asking of me. She has all these workbooks and yoga exercises and positive affirmations and crap she wants me to do. But I just don't want to, or rather, I feel like I can't. I feel stuck in this nothingness and relapse. Therapy feels so pointless right now. I just don't get anything out of it. This happened a few weeks ago and I took a week off but ended going back and feeling better, and now I'm back where I was. I don't know what the hell is wrong.

Two people on my treatment team have suggested that unless I start eating more and stop losing weight, then I need to go back into treatment. This is a NO for me because I have my job and my house and my family to worry about. I can't just drop everything and go back into to treatment. That should be enough to get me motivated to start doing better right? WRONG. I am still using behaviors, knowing it will get me no where. I am already researching treatment centers just in case. But I seriously don't think anything will come of it.

I have the most intense anxiety going on. It feels like someone is clawing at my chest and stomach. It's almost unbearable. I constantly am trembling or tapping my foot because I just want the anxiety OUT of me. I'm trying to adjust my meds but I feel pretty hopeless about that situation too. 

I have no idea what caused this relapse. I guess the only thing I do know is that recovery doesn't seem to be in my plans. I feel like there is too much wrong with me, too many complicated and unresolved issues, too much work to be done. I'm tired of fighting. There isn't much left. Maybe I just need to be at peace that this is what my life is and always will be. Recovery is not simple, and neither is an eating disorder. But I am seriously overwhelmed by everything I feel like I have to work on. The list to me goes on and on and on. . I feel, mentally, pretty similar to where I was before treatment last year. Which is...deep deep down wanting to recover, but feeling so much of..."I can't I can't I can't."  It's one of the worst feelings...ever.

I left therapy feeling suicidal. I was just like...what is the freaking point anymore? I'm so sick of this. Of making progress and then going back to this miserable hell. If I wasn't going horseback riding tomorrow, then I don't think I would feel safe tonight. I constantly have to have something to look forward to, some means of support or fun in the days ahead of me to feel like I have purpose to stay alive.
I refuse to go to the psychiatric hospital and if I can help it, I refuse to go back to treatment.

I think I might email this blog post to my therapist, because it's a pretty accurate description of how I feel.

I have no idea what is is I'm doing. I just feel like giving up, which I have already started doing

Crash.

Things are not going well, at all. Well, there are a few bright spots, but overall, I'm hanging on by a thread.

I am still suicidal. My psychiatrist brought up the word "hospital" today but I shot that down right away. And he even said he didn't think it would help. So I'm glad that's off the table. He increased my medication and gave me a few names of some other anti-depressants that he's thinking of putting me on. I'm going to research them.

I've had a lot of close calls with the suicide thoughts lately, but so far have managed to keep myself from going through with things. I was telling my dietitian about it last night and I made her cry. I felt so awful about that. She was so sad and so scared. She loves me and cares about me so much and I feel the same about her and it just broke my heart to see her so sad. I never want to be the cause of her pain. Things are going well with food either. I actually lost a considerable amount of weight. It blew my mind when she told me. Because I thought for sure I had gained weight. My dietitian gave me a plan that she really wants me to try. I did pretty good with it today I think.

I am not able to see my therapist this week, unless she has a cancellation. I was called for jury duty on the morning I usually have therapy. I got my psychiatrist to write me a note to get out of it (which I am still debating on using) but my therapist already filled in the spot that I usually see her. At the very least, she said we could have a phone session. I guess that's better than nothing.

I am going to my new church tomorrow night, to hear one of the pastors speak to the young adult group. I am really excited but also really nervous. I hope it will be good, and I hope I will meet people.

I am meeting my second mom for lunch on Saturday. Honestly I am looking forward to this more than anything. She saved my life last week. She kept me from going through with a suicide plan. I sobbed and sobbed in her arms. I wish I lived with her. She's the kind of person that would drop anything to come and make sure I was safe and help me. I've never had anyone like that in my life. I love her so much. I owe her so much. She and my dietitian are the two people in my life that I feel like care about me the most. I know both of them are sad and hurting to see me suffering so much. I don't want them to feel that way. I want to make them proud. I just have to remember that in the moments of complete darkness.

Sleeping through the night and anxiety continue to be a struggle. It's definitely frustrating. What's more frustrating is trying to figure out why I am struggling so much. No one seems to know, not even me. I don't think I fully came out of the darkness of winter time, and when I celebrated my 1 year anniversary in recovery, I acted like I was happy and healthy, but deep down I don't think I really was. I just wanted people to think I was. "God willing, we will get you out of this" is what my psychiatrist said to me tonight. It kind of scared me. I don't know. I know he really cares about me and can help me, but I sensed fear in his voice. I don't blame people for being scared for my physical and mental state these days. Hell, I'm scaring myself. I just have to take it moment to moment. Really, that's all I can do.
My dietitian asked me if I promised I would tell her if I wanted to kill myself. To ease her worry and fear, I said yes. But that's honestly not an honest statement. I just said that to make her feel better. Ugh, I'm so horrible.

Anyway, next week starts a full time schedule with babysitting. 9:30am to 5:30pm every week day with the kids. It's going to be crazy and I'm scared of if it's going to take a toll on me. I will try and update more next week. It's hard to make my thoughts public these days...I hate scaring people.

Can't think of a title

I've been trying to put my eating disorder out of my mind lately. Just not think about it, focus on it, not worry about it, not deal with it. It wasn't the best idea. Because now all of a sudden I have enormous amounts of anxiety at meals. Saturday at lunch with a friend, I nearly had a panic attack when my lunch arrived. I had to force myself to eat. It was so hard and scary, and the food wasn't even a "scary food". After trying to put the anxiety out of my head and not allowing myself to let it out, I went into a state of being numb. It was too much to bear, so I went numb. I'm struggling a lot with restricting, obviously. Going to the grocery store lately has caused a lot of anxiety as well. It's just too complicated, all of this.

My depression is, kind of up and down. I am still having suicidal ideations. It's definitely still scary. I'm working through it though I guess. My therapist gave me a DBT workbook to start working on. We'll see how that goes. I also found out that there is a horse farm an hour away from me that does equine therapy. The horse that I rode at Remuda Ranch is there (Dude), as well as many of the other horses that were at RR when I was. And some of the same staff works there too. My therapist emailed the woman in charge of it, and I am anxiously awaiting a reply. My therapist seems really set on having me do equine therapy, she thinks it could help with a multitude of things I am struggling with. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to do this! Working with and riding Dude while at Remuda helped me SO much in SO many ways. It would be amazing to be able to work with him again.

I haven't seen my dietitian in 3 weeks, going on 4. We have had scheduling conflicts, on both of our ends. The next time she can see me is next Monday. It's been hard. I definitely need her support right now. Like I said at the beginning of this post, things are so crazy with food right now and I just need her help with getting back on track. Things feel so unstructured and out of control and I just need to have a plan set up with my meals, grocery shopping, etc.

The next two weeks are kind of crazy. I have something to do besides work pretty much every day this week and next week. This Friday I am traveling to Maryland for the weekend with my mom and two sisters for my cousin's bridal shower and bachelorette party. Next Friday is the kids last day of school, and the following week will begin a pretty busy schedule as I will be babysitting all day long instead of just half a day. I'm stressing out about it, worried about how I will be able to fit in all of my appointments and other things. Hopefully it won't be a big deal and everything will work out.

Other than that, my mind is a blur and I've been trying to take things moment to moment. When the suicidal thoughts hit, or the panic attacks, I tend to want to crawl into a hole and die. But they aren't getting worse, which I guess is a positive.

Anyway, more later this week...

Bravery.

I got brave tonight. I emailed my therapist and admitted I needed help, that I was scared, and even though I hated myself for reaching out to her, I trust her and need her help. It's so painful waiting for a response.

I decided to reach out for help because, like I said, I was scared. I was having intrusive thoughts that could turn into very dangerous behaviors. I've come too far to go back to where I was in February 2011, suicidal and in the psychiatric hospital and on death's door from my ED. Deep down I don't want to die. But when things get really hard like they have been, something in my brain seems to think that's the best way out.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me wonder. Maybe I need to change up what I'm doing with therapy. Whether that be seeing a new therapist (which I REALLY don't want to do) or trying out DBT or EMDR or something else. I just feel like I need something different. Talking isn't really getting me anywhere these days. My dietitian has been helpful in the sense that every time I see her she gives me an assignment. For example, she had me buy calcium supplements and iron supplements and told me how much to take on a daily basis. She also had me research churches in my area and gymnastics gyms that offer adult classes. She always follows up with me on these assignments. It's accountability I guess. And it's helped me. I found a church. I signed up for gymnastics classes and I am taking my supplements. Maybe that's what I need to start doing with therapy. I don't know. And that's one of the things I addressed in my email to my therapist.

I've been seeking out all sorts of inspiration for recovery. I bought Johanna Kandel's book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder" a while back and I have started reading that again. I am going through assignments in my Remuda Ranch binder. I am reading inspirational blogs. I have deleted people off of my Facebook and Twitter who are not in recovery or who are triggering. I have been making inspirational playlists and spending more time devoted to prayer and meditation.

Today was day 3 of no purging. Which is the longest I have gone in a month. Woo Hoo! It's getting easier, it really is. Once you begin to break that cycle, the urges are less and less. I am still struggling with restricting though.

I am anxious for my dietitian appointment on Friday for a multitude of reasons. I know it will be a positive appointment. I am going to continue to NOT look at my weight and ask my dietitian to NOT tell me what the numbers are doing.

Things are improving, slowly but surely.

Depressed

Today was a freaking awful day. I had therapy this morning and it sucked. I have been contemplating lately whether or not I should take a break from therapy. Because honestly right now it's just not doing much for me and I'm sick of talking about my feelings. So I made the decision today to take a break from therapy. I honestly felt SO much better after making that decision, which is weird. I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice, a week for the past 10 years of my life. The longest period of time I have gone without therapy is 3 months in those 10 years. I'm not saying that I am never going back to therapy. I think I still have a lot of work to do. But, right now I just need to step back and clear my head. My therapist seemed concerned, but said she put me down on her schedule for the week after next. I didn't say anything. I guess I will see how I feel next week without therapy and go from there. But as of right now, I am thinking of taking at least 3 weeks off. She says she thinks I need to be coming in every week right now.

I would love to be able to see my dietitian every week. I honestly have been finding our appointments SO helpful. I don't know why my dietitian sessions are helpful, and my therapy ones aren't. Maybe it doesn't matter. Or maybe it does? I don't know. The problem is I can't afford to see my dietitian once a week right now. So after our session next Friday, I am going to have to cut that back as well.

Last week someone asked me if I was depressed. I said absolutely not. Today I began to re-think that answer. And I have concluded that I know I am depressed. It's not debilitating. I still am able to function and go to work. But this depression is affecting my attitude, energy, patience level, and motivation, among other things. Obviously I know how to conquer this depression, but it's hard to remember what to do in the moment. Lately, I have had to have people remind me what to do. It's like I know somewhere in my head how to do this or what to do, but I don't automatically think of it. I tend to just stay stuck. That's so frustrating.

I got off work today and went to my parent's house. Which proved to be a bad choice. I felt annoyed and irritated and ignored. So I just left, without dinner and without talking to anyone really. I came home and attempted to hang out with my roommate, but my anxiety was at about a 9 1/2 at that point and I just needed to go to my room. I thought about reaching out to my therapist. But I couldn't because I felt like that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world....telling her a few hours earlier I didn't want/need therapy right now, and then reaching out for help a few hours later. It would have made me feel really stupid. So I didn't. Instead, I called my second mom and talked to her. She helped calm my anxiety, gave me an "assignment" to journal and eat something, and then call her back in an hour to check back in. It was accountability and that was freakin' awesome to have. She wants me to check back in with her tomorrow.

So, that's what's going on with me. It pretty much sucks. But I want to end on a good note and say that I talked to my favorite RR staff person today and she made me laugh and gave me some encouragement. And to hear her say (or rather read) that she believes I will get through this (after all she went through with me, seeing me through treatment two times)....just gave me so much strength. I wish I could have reached through the computer and given her a hug in that moment. 
And I've made it two days without purging. :)

Emotional

I had many "ah-ha" moments today. It's making me very emotional.
I had a conversation with the mom I babysit for today. She came home and she was telling me about how they (the family) were already looking for another dog (since theirs died suddenly on Saturday). I started crying because I obviously am sad about Tucker the dog passing away. It was such a shock and it was so sad because he was still just a puppy. And it made me think of my dog Lucy, who we had to put down about a month ago because she had cancer. And so it was just an enormous amount of overwhelming emotions. I started thinking about all the other things I'm struggling with right now, with my eating disorder and anxiety. For a moment, I almost spilled all of it out to "J", the mom. In that moment I just felt I need extra support. But I didn't want to make that conversation about me, and I didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want her to feel like because I was struggling with food that I wasn't fit to take care of her kids. So I didn't say anything.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian tonight. I was early, and her client before me cancelled, so I got to spend extra time with her tonight, which was nice and much needed. We talked about how I need to find some passion in my life, so I can get rid of the false passion I have for my eating disorder. I am going to try out a church near me, that reminds me a lot of the kind of music and sermons I heard at Remuda. I'm excited to try that out! And also my dietitian approved exercise for me. And something that I'm really passionate about is gymnastics. I was a gymnast, a high level gymnast, for many years and I just loved everything about the sport. So I am going to be taking some adult gymnastics classes starting in a couple of weeks. I am REALLY looking forward to that. Of course I have some anxiety about that, but I think it's going to really good for me.  My dietitian reminded me that life with an eating disorder is not a life. That nothing will good from come from continuing to use behaviors.

So after leaving our session, I felt hope and encouragement for the first time in weeks. I left with the attitude of, "I can do this".  I just pray that it's not a temporary feeling and that even if I wake up tomorrow feeling completely exhausted, that the glimmer of hope will still be burning inside of me.

Defeated

I feel completely defeated. I know there is fight inside of me, but I really don't feel it right now. I guess it's a good sign that I am staying honest with my treatment team and continuing to go to appointments, but that's really the only good thing that I'm doing right now, at least in my mind.

I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.

I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.

Right next to me on the bed  is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong." 
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.

Is this a relapse?

It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO  well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.

Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.

I have to stop.

I have to stop what I am doing. I HAVE to.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.

I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.

I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.

Mega Update

I realize it has been a long time since I posted. While speaking with my dietitian today, I realized this and decided I needed to get back into blogging.

Things are still pretty hard. I had a terrible week. Absolutely horrible. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, and he upped the dosage on my Prozac, so now I'm on the maximum dosage. Well, the next day when I started taking it, I felt so strange. I was shaky all over, dizzy, terrible migraine, absolutely no appetite. I figured it would just last the first day. I was wrong. The next day, the symptoms were even worse. I was doing really badly with my eating. Wednesday night, I fainted. I was alone in my house. It was really scary. It probably had to do with the fact that I hadn't had anything substantial to eat in almost 48 hours. I think it was then that I realized all of these symptoms had more to do with my eating, then it had to do with my medication.

Thursday I saw my therapist. It was a really good session. We talked about all the problems I had been having with my medication, and she told me I needed to be eating better, even if I wasn't hungry. We talked a lot about the destructive relationship I was in last year, and how feelings about/for him have been coming back up. We also talked about a slip up with self harm that I had over the weekend, and we processed that. For some reason I can't remember what else we talked about, but I do remember that I left feeling relieved.

Then I saw my dietitian this morning. I was really nervous. She had me keep a food journal for the past week, and I knew my eating had sucked. She agreed. But it was a really, really awesome session. She explained to me the model of the recovery process. I wish I had a link to give you all, but she just had a sheet of paper. But, she asked me to point out where I thought I was in my recovery. I thought I was in the "need for behaviors" part, but she told me she disagreed and said I was a step above, where it's basically a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs, but still feeling all your feelings. It was encouraging to hear her say that, and tell me that I have not relapsed.
She seems pretty concerned though, for good reasons, and wants me to come in once a week for a while.

Today marked 1 year since I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. It's crazy to me how fast this year has gone by. It still all feels like yesterday. I am so thankful to be alive, for choosing to live, and choosing to get help.

My best friend Ashley is coming to visit me on Sunday. She was my roommate at Remuda, we had the same admit and discharge date and family week too. We had such a special bond at Remuda, which has maintained outside of treatment as well. I am so excited to see one of my soul sisters!

Anyway, that's about all. I'm so glad it's the weekend.

Stepping it up.

I saw my dietitian tonight. Well, let's just say it didn't go as I expected it to. That doesn't mean it was bad though. In fact, it was probably the best session I have had with her in a while. We covered a lot of ground, and I left feeling like we talked about everything I needed/wanted to.
I have been mainly struggling with depression, as well as increasing anxiety. But in my mind I felt like I was doing "fine" with food. But when she asked me tonight if things were going well with food, I just sort of spit out "No, not really." And then I proceeded to tell her what my food intake has been like. Of course she was concerned and asked if I thought it would help if she put together a plan. So, she basically put together a plan similar to the one Remuda Ranch gave me. That freaked me out because, that just feels like so much food to me. She reassured me that it's not. I then asked if this plan would make me gain weight, she said no. She wrote down the plan and then made copies of it so I could check each meal off, or not check it off every day. She wants me to come back in a week and see how the plan worked.
So, I don't know. I guess I was just kind of surprised because I didn't realize how off track I was. I guess I really need to start stepping it up. I don't want to relapse. Please God, I don't want to relapse. So how come when I was driving home tonight did I feel like I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the arms of my eating disorder and not hold on to recovery? What is going on with me?

I am leaning pretty heavily on support from my treatment team and supportive people in my life. Although I have found myself not talking to my friends from treatment. I guess I just feel embarrassed. I don't want to worry them, or burden them. I know some of them are having struggles of their own, and I don't want to make it any worse. I know we have a sisterhood, a bond that I have never known before, but my ED wants me for his own and is pulling me away from them. I feel terrible about that.

I'm also leaning pretty heavily on prayer. I just know God will see me through this. I know He will help me find my way out of this. I know He is going to make me stronger and braver.

Anyway, I have therapy in the morning. I feel like I could talk for hours and hours about everything. I hope I leave feeling somewhat better, and not worse.

Hopefully things will turn around soon.

Therapy mode and a challenge

This week has been full of appointments, which has been really good. I needed the extra support. I had group on Monday night. Dietitian appointment last night. And therapy this morning. I will touch on each of the three.

Group was really good, but also really intense. It was just me and one other girl, and the group leader. I actually prefer it when there are fewer people because we have more time to talk and more time to get/give feedback. So, anyway I just talked about how difficult things have been lately. I was in a really dark place in my head that night, so it was good timing I guess. I just kind of had this realization that I am absolutely terrified of struggling any more than I am right now. Terrified. It would just be one step closer to relapse and I cannot go through that again. I don't know how I made it through last time, and so I believe that if I had a full blown relapse again, that I wouldn't survive. So, I am so scared of doing any worse than I am now. I just cannot go backwards. I got pretty teared up saying all this in group. My group leader and the other girl there were so, so supportive and had so much great feedback for me and that made me feel a lot better. I was definitely pretty drained after group that night.

My dietitian appointment last night was pretty interesting. We talked a lot about how I have had my eating disorder for so long (9 years) and how it has truly become my identity. Now that I am in recovery, now that I am in a good place in my life for the first time since my eating disorder started, my identity of having an eating disorder is falling away. It's scary trying to figure out who I am without it, because I'm not really sure. There still is part of me that wants to fill the holes back up with my eating disorder. So we talked about that and then we talked about how I have been struggling with dinner a lot. I won't bore you with the details of that, but she gave me some good tips to make that easier. And then, she posed a challenge to me. You see, I have this HUGE fear of eating in front of people. I don't have a problem eating in front of a large group of people, or people I have known and eaten with forever, like my family. But I am scared of eating one on one with people, or around people I don't know, or in party situations. I just think people are judging me and stuff. So my dietitian suggested we go out somewhere and eat together. I about fell on the floor when she said that. I told her I didn't want to do that. Then she brought up my ultimate "fear food". Which is cake. So then she suggested I buy cupcakes and bring them in to one of our sessions so we can eat that together. I don't know which option is scarier. As crazy as it sounds, I think eating the cake would be easier because it's not a whole meal. BUT STILL! I was pretty adamant about not wanting to do that either. She said she thinks it's something I really need to do. She also said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do, but she wants me to really think about it and maybe come up with a plan.
Oh my gosh, I don't know if I can handle this. I almost started crying just talking about it! How on earth am I going to react actually doing it?
Any words of advice on this one guys?

I had therapy this morning. That went pretty well. We talked a lot about how I need to find things outside of my eating disorder and recovery to focus on. So we talked about trying to find a church I can start going to. She also suggested I get back in touch with my artsy side. I love making collages and I love making abstract types of art. So, I think I am going to find a project or two and get started on that.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO glad! This week has just inched by. I have felt sick every day this week and that combined with lack of sleep has made me really grumpy and really depressed. I just really really hope that next week is better, in all ways. I want my energy back.

Oh, by the way. I know this isn't for a while but...I have some anniversaries coming up in the next couple of months.

February 10: 1 year since being admitted to the psychiatrist hospital for attempted suicide.
February 14: 1 year since I last purged <--- that is so huge for me, I cannot even explain
February 15: 1 year since being admitted to Remuda Ranch
March 31: 1 year in RECOVERY!

Getting Back on Track

Well, I think I'm finally getting back on track. It's slow, but it's better than nothing.

I have incorporated breakfast back into my days, as much as I don't want to. And while it's not really as much as I should be eating, at least I am starting with something. I am struggling with other meals, but I am being honest about it with my treatment team. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over meals, a lot of the "I'm not really hungry" feelings too. It's been really frustrating. I seem to be hungry for breakfast and lunch, and then by dinner I am not hungry at all. And then a couple hours later I am practically starving.

I saw my therapist on Thursday. That went pretty well. We talked about how anger is playing a huge part in this recent "lapse" that I am going through. For so long I have always felt that when I am angry, I can't express it or let myself feel it because I feel like I am to blame. So I realized that by talking about this with my therapist, that I DO have valid reasons for my anger, especially right now, with everything that's been going on with my family. I have a right to my anger. My therapist gave me a couple of homework assignments to work on until I see her next week, one of them regarding my anger. My therapist was pretty insistent on having me come back next week, instead of waiting two weeks like we have been. I was hesitant and didn't say no, but I didn't say yes either. So my therapist basically told me I am coming back next week, with love of course.

I have been emailing my dietitian every couple of days with my food intake as well as my thoughts and feelings. She emailed me back and said we have a lot to discuss. Our session on Wednesday should be interesting.

I am absolutely disgusted with my body right now. I hate to say that, I hate to be so negative. But I am. I do not know if I am going to be able to wear a bikini this summer. If I had to wear one right now I would be SO embarrassed. I really want to be able to come to a place where I can accept my body. I just...feel so huge.

On a better note, my parent's have decided to take me on a Spring Break trip this year! I am so excited! I haven't been on a vacation (other than our annual family beach vacation) since my Sophomore year of high school when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving. We are going to Kiawah Island in Charleston, South Carolina! I have never been here before and I am so excited! It will be just my parents and I, and my two dogs.

I have group on Monday night. I'm very anxious about this. I've been known to my group as "such a strong person" and I just am feeling embarrassed to go to group and talk about all these struggles that are happening.

There isn't much else going on. I am just so glad it's the weekend. It's so nice to relax.

Continued Struggles

Things are still pretty difficult for me right now. I know in my last blog I wrote about how I felt like I was needing something more than I have been getting, but I wasn't sure what that was. So, I decided to reach out first to my Remuda sisters, and ask for their support and advice. I am so, so glad I did that. No one understands better than them, who know my life story, and know what it's like to struggle with an eating disorder. So it was really awesome to hear back from them and know I am not alone.
I also emailed my therapist and dietitian. I basically wrote them what I wrote in my last blog. They both sent back really supportive responses. My therapist thinks it would be a good idea for me to start coming back in once a week, as supposed to every two weeks. I felt relieved when I wrote this. I had kind of hoped she would say this. But I was also scared she wouldn't think I needed it. And while I am somewhat embarrassed that I have to increase my sessions again, I really think that this is what I need. I really want to be able to figure out what has caused this increased struggle.
My dietitian suggested I come and see her more often. But I don't think I can afford that. She also suggested I write her daily emails containing my food intake/behaviors/thoughts. I decided to go with this option. Hopefully this will provide some much needed accountability.
So I am feeling more hopeful now that this increased support will get me back on track.

Eating has been difficult. I feel pretty significant anxiety surrounding meals. It's very frustrating. It reminds me of eating meals when I was in treatment. Eating was a chore, an assignment. After treatment, I fell back in love with my favorite foods and enjoyed eating. Up until a couple months ago, I almost felt like I was a "normal eater". I'm not going to lie, when my dietitian suggested I email her my daily food intake, part of me wanted to not respond, and just drop it. I have so much anxiety and shame about sharing with other people what I eat. But, I decided to go with my best judgement and start being accountable with my dietitian.

Sleeping has been difficult lately. I know that it probably had to do with the fact that I'm not getting enough nutrition, and the fact that I'm stressing out about various things. Hopefully I will sleep better this week.

Not much else going on.
Hopefully things will turn around soon.

Decisions

I have made some pretty significant decisions lately. I have decided to cut back therapy to every two weeks. I really feel I do not need it every week at this point. That's not to say that if things get tough and I start to struggle that I won't go back to a once a week. I just feel I can get through a week without therapy right now. That's pretty huge for me to make this decision on my own. A part of me is terrified of a life without therapy. I mean, hello, I have been in therapy the past 10 years of my life. But I think that I also need to discover who I am outside of therapy and all of my issues. At this point I am only seeing my dietitian every week and a half/two weeks, I am pretty sure that is going to stay like that too.

My dietitian told me on Wednesday night that my weight has stayed the same the whole month of November. That's pretty exciting considering I have continued to gain weight since coming home from Remuda in March. I guess this is where my weight needs to be. It's kind of discouraging to hear that. I had hoped that maybe my weight was just trying to figure itself out and I would go back down to the weight Remuda gave me. But if I were to go back down to that weight then I would have to lose 10-15 pounds, and I just know that wouldn't be healthy.
My thearpist and I worked on a guided imagery exercise in my body image workbook yesterday. I had to describe what it feels like and looks like to feel imprisoned in my own body. What I get out of it and what I feel are the risks if I wasn't trapped in my body. It was a pretty cool exercise. My therapist thought I did a pretty awesome job too.

I am trying to brainstorm ideas of some sort of ritual I can take part in next week when my therapist and I visit the school where my trauma took place. I don't know if I should write a letter and leave it there or leave something else there, or take something from there, like a leaf or a twig or something. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Anyway, not much else is going on. I have been having problems sleeping lately. I just toss and turn all night and I don't wake up feeling rested. I see my psychiatrist next week and will talk to him about that.

Oh yeah I started a Tumblr so you should check it out! http://hollyw26.tumblr.com/