I feel like I've packed a week into the past 3 days. I've had so many appointments, work obligations, and errands to run. For the most part my appointments have gone really well. My doctor appointment on Monday that my therapist came with me too was really difficult, but it went well at the same time. I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I won't have to go back for another year (crosses fingers). It was just really scary and made everything that's happened to me a bigger reality than it already is. I honestly could not have gotten through that appointment without having my therapist there. She helped slow down my breathing before, during, and after the exam. She told me proud she was of me, and how much she felt honored that I asked her to come with me.
I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.
I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger". I've already bought it and started reading it.
I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.
I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.
Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Darkness
I hate this time of year. Starting a couple weeks ago until warmer weather gets here, I absolutely loathe this time of year.
I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.
I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.
I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.
PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.
I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.
I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.
I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.
I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.
PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.
I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
It's strange...
It's strange how 6+ months ago I thought I was moving beyond my trauma, even though I knew I was keeping a secret about it. Now, here I am going through it again. It's painful, scary, and overwhelming. Luckily, I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me through it. As well as a very understanding and supportive boss. Secrets keep you sick, and I was keeping a deep, dark secret. I think I'm on my way to healing, but right now it feels like my brain is exploding and my body is falling apart and everything causes panic. It's just not fair.
The eating disorder continues to be a monster in my life. Some days it goes away and I eat without thought and worry. Other days, the thought of food makes me sick and I choose not to eat. It's not about feeling fat, or being scared of gaining weight. It never was. It's the anxiety. The anxiety that is always there. I just want to be free of it, of all that holds me down.
I feel like I have to apologize for my disorders, for my issues, and for needing help. I feel stupid, unworthy, and undeserving, even though people tell me I am none of those things. My therapist said, "you aren't stupid, you are brave." And yeah, I am using an insane amount of courage right now to deal with my trauma. But talking about it still makes me feel stupid.
Physically, the anxiety is attacking my body. I tremble and shake all over. I've had a migraine for 5 days. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am having panic attacks. There is a huge amount of anxiety that I think is coming from the huge amount of emotions I am keeping inside. I need a release. I need to cry, scream, jump up and down, or something. I know this gets said a lot, but I literally feel like I could explode any minute.
But, day by day I somehow make it through. That's really the only way. Looking ahead a week or even 2 days will cause me even more anxiety. I am choosing to heal, to be honest, and to be brave. Day by day, I am surviving this.
The eating disorder continues to be a monster in my life. Some days it goes away and I eat without thought and worry. Other days, the thought of food makes me sick and I choose not to eat. It's not about feeling fat, or being scared of gaining weight. It never was. It's the anxiety. The anxiety that is always there. I just want to be free of it, of all that holds me down.
I feel like I have to apologize for my disorders, for my issues, and for needing help. I feel stupid, unworthy, and undeserving, even though people tell me I am none of those things. My therapist said, "you aren't stupid, you are brave." And yeah, I am using an insane amount of courage right now to deal with my trauma. But talking about it still makes me feel stupid.
Physically, the anxiety is attacking my body. I tremble and shake all over. I've had a migraine for 5 days. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am having panic attacks. There is a huge amount of anxiety that I think is coming from the huge amount of emotions I am keeping inside. I need a release. I need to cry, scream, jump up and down, or something. I know this gets said a lot, but I literally feel like I could explode any minute.
But, day by day I somehow make it through. That's really the only way. Looking ahead a week or even 2 days will cause me even more anxiety. I am choosing to heal, to be honest, and to be brave. Day by day, I am surviving this.
Friday, August 3, 2012
So basically...
There is a lot of shit going on with me right now. I haven't been blogging because honestly it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about. I have had new trauma memories re-surface and all I want to say about that is that I am a huge mess right now and it's freaking me out.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments. I'm tired.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments. I'm tired.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hospital
On Friday I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was there for 6 days. The story of why I went and how I got there isn't that important, just that I knew I couldn't stay safe any longer and that if I didn't go in, then I would definitely take my own life. I chose a hospital two hours away from me, because they had an eating disorder unit that I was hopefully planning on moving over to. In the end, my shitty insurance denied coverage for me to go the eating disorder unit. It was one of the most frustrating and disappointing experiences. I needed the help with my ED, but my insurance company disagreed.
When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.
So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.
My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.
I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.
Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.
When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.
So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.
My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.
I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.
Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Relapse
Yep. I just used that word, relapsed. I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Over the past year I have had slip ups and lapses, but always held onto hope and knew I could pull myself out of it. Right now I have little to no hope, and I don't see myself ever recovering. Deep down I REALLY want to recover, but I don't believe that I can. It's super frustrating and a hopeless feeling.
I saw my dietitian last night. I lost more weight. She seemed concerned and worried about my health. I felt so bad because she is so nice to me and loves me so much and tries to help me with all her might. But what she was asking me to do last night, to increase my meal plan, was something I felt like I was not willing to do. I hated telling her that, but it was the truth, and I always stay honest. I have been heavily restricting. My biggest fear is that I will lose my job and I will have to move back home. That's a very real possibility, as I lost a job 3 years ago due to my ED. If that happened I would be absolutely devastated. My dietitian is out of town for the next 3 weeks, which scares the crap out of me. So I will only have my therapist to lean on, as well as friends and my second mom. Because I couldn't really commit to a meal plan, my dietitian incorporated Boost supplements into my days. I have to have at least 2, and then we will go from there. I am so hesitant to drink them, because they remind me SO much of treatment and have so many bad memories attached the them, but I don't feel like I can eat solid food right now. My dietitian also suggested I find someone in my life that can keep me accountable with that, and who can eat dinner with me 1-2 times a week. My second mom will be that person. I already called her and asked her and she said yes. I feel so much guilt over it.
Therapy this morning was terrible. I left feeling so much worse. I don't feel like I accomplished anything, which is mostly my fault because I can't seem to do what my therapist is asking of me. She has all these workbooks and yoga exercises and positive affirmations and crap she wants me to do. But I just don't want to, or rather, I feel like I can't. I feel stuck in this nothingness and relapse. Therapy feels so pointless right now. I just don't get anything out of it. This happened a few weeks ago and I took a week off but ended going back and feeling better, and now I'm back where I was. I don't know what the hell is wrong.
Two people on my treatment team have suggested that unless I start eating more and stop losing weight, then I need to go back into treatment. This is a NO for me because I have my job and my house and my family to worry about. I can't just drop everything and go back into to treatment. That should be enough to get me motivated to start doing better right? WRONG. I am still using behaviors, knowing it will get me no where. I am already researching treatment centers just in case. But I seriously don't think anything will come of it.
I have the most intense anxiety going on. It feels like someone is clawing at my chest and stomach. It's almost unbearable. I constantly am trembling or tapping my foot because I just want the anxiety OUT of me. I'm trying to adjust my meds but I feel pretty hopeless about that situation too.
I have no idea what caused this relapse. I guess the only thing I do know is that recovery doesn't seem to be in my plans. I feel like there is too much wrong with me, too many complicated and unresolved issues, too much work to be done. I'm tired of fighting. There isn't much left. Maybe I just need to be at peace that this is what my life is and always will be. Recovery is not simple, and neither is an eating disorder. But I am seriously overwhelmed by everything I feel like I have to work on. The list to me goes on and on and on. . I feel, mentally, pretty similar to where I was before treatment last year. Which is...deep deep down wanting to recover, but feeling so much of..."I can't I can't I can't." It's one of the worst feelings...ever.
I left therapy feeling suicidal. I was just like...what is the freaking point anymore? I'm so sick of this. Of making progress and then going back to this miserable hell. If I wasn't going horseback riding tomorrow, then I don't think I would feel safe tonight. I constantly have to have something to look forward to, some means of support or fun in the days ahead of me to feel like I have purpose to stay alive.
I refuse to go to the psychiatric hospital and if I can help it, I refuse to go back to treatment.
I think I might email this blog post to my therapist, because it's a pretty accurate description of how I feel.
I have no idea what is is I'm doing. I just feel like giving up, which I have already started doing
I saw my dietitian last night. I lost more weight. She seemed concerned and worried about my health. I felt so bad because she is so nice to me and loves me so much and tries to help me with all her might. But what she was asking me to do last night, to increase my meal plan, was something I felt like I was not willing to do. I hated telling her that, but it was the truth, and I always stay honest. I have been heavily restricting. My biggest fear is that I will lose my job and I will have to move back home. That's a very real possibility, as I lost a job 3 years ago due to my ED. If that happened I would be absolutely devastated. My dietitian is out of town for the next 3 weeks, which scares the crap out of me. So I will only have my therapist to lean on, as well as friends and my second mom. Because I couldn't really commit to a meal plan, my dietitian incorporated Boost supplements into my days. I have to have at least 2, and then we will go from there. I am so hesitant to drink them, because they remind me SO much of treatment and have so many bad memories attached the them, but I don't feel like I can eat solid food right now. My dietitian also suggested I find someone in my life that can keep me accountable with that, and who can eat dinner with me 1-2 times a week. My second mom will be that person. I already called her and asked her and she said yes. I feel so much guilt over it.
Therapy this morning was terrible. I left feeling so much worse. I don't feel like I accomplished anything, which is mostly my fault because I can't seem to do what my therapist is asking of me. She has all these workbooks and yoga exercises and positive affirmations and crap she wants me to do. But I just don't want to, or rather, I feel like I can't. I feel stuck in this nothingness and relapse. Therapy feels so pointless right now. I just don't get anything out of it. This happened a few weeks ago and I took a week off but ended going back and feeling better, and now I'm back where I was. I don't know what the hell is wrong.
Two people on my treatment team have suggested that unless I start eating more and stop losing weight, then I need to go back into treatment. This is a NO for me because I have my job and my house and my family to worry about. I can't just drop everything and go back into to treatment. That should be enough to get me motivated to start doing better right? WRONG. I am still using behaviors, knowing it will get me no where. I am already researching treatment centers just in case. But I seriously don't think anything will come of it.
I have the most intense anxiety going on. It feels like someone is clawing at my chest and stomach. It's almost unbearable. I constantly am trembling or tapping my foot because I just want the anxiety OUT of me. I'm trying to adjust my meds but I feel pretty hopeless about that situation too.
I have no idea what caused this relapse. I guess the only thing I do know is that recovery doesn't seem to be in my plans. I feel like there is too much wrong with me, too many complicated and unresolved issues, too much work to be done. I'm tired of fighting. There isn't much left. Maybe I just need to be at peace that this is what my life is and always will be. Recovery is not simple, and neither is an eating disorder. But I am seriously overwhelmed by everything I feel like I have to work on. The list to me goes on and on and on. . I feel, mentally, pretty similar to where I was before treatment last year. Which is...deep deep down wanting to recover, but feeling so much of..."I can't I can't I can't." It's one of the worst feelings...ever.
I left therapy feeling suicidal. I was just like...what is the freaking point anymore? I'm so sick of this. Of making progress and then going back to this miserable hell. If I wasn't going horseback riding tomorrow, then I don't think I would feel safe tonight. I constantly have to have something to look forward to, some means of support or fun in the days ahead of me to feel like I have purpose to stay alive.
I refuse to go to the psychiatric hospital and if I can help it, I refuse to go back to treatment.
I think I might email this blog post to my therapist, because it's a pretty accurate description of how I feel.
I have no idea what is is I'm doing. I just feel like giving up, which I have already started doing
Friday, April 27, 2012
Day 1 and other thoughts
Today makes 1 days without purging. Honestly, it was really fucking hard. In my head, if I wasn't going to purge, then I had to eat a "safe" amount. Which translates into major restricting. Lunch actually wasn't as horrible as I thought. I feel like I tolerated it pretty well, not feeling too much anxiety. But dinner was a different story. I felt really hungry. But I was super, super anxious about eating so much that I felt full, and then wanting to purge. So I ate barely anything. I apologize if this is triggering. I try really hard to not use specific foods, calories, numbers.
I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.
Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.
I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.
So, yeah. I'm just having really shitty time right now and I suck.
I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.
Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.
I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.
So, yeah. I'm just having really shitty time right now and I suck.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Therapy today
I had therapy this morning. We mainly focused on my eating disorder and how I REALLY need to get back on track with food. I just need to start eating again. I haven't had a meal in 3 days, and it's taking it's toll. I have been having a lot of stomach pain and nausea, caused by anxiety and the fact that I haven't been eating. So my therapist and I came up with some foods that feel safe to me and that won't upset my stomach. I will start with those foods, and once I start physically feeling better I will add more food in. She suggested I buy some applesauce, cinnamon raisin bread, apples, and cheese sticks. These foods are safe to me (well, the bread sort of scares me). And I know that what I have to do now is JUST EAT IT. I just have to repeat to myself that...this is the only option and that I can do this.
My therapist mentioned this hospital today. No No No....was my response. She responded with, "Well you have to start eating again if you want to avoid that". That is my main motivation right there. I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. Do you know how much conflict, drama, problems that would cause? Totally don't need that, nor do I feel I need it at this point.
I said that I knew that my eating disorder, and food, and calories are not the real problem here. She mentioned how my eating disorder is a placeholder for me right now. So I said...I know what's really causing this, and by using my eating disorder... I am just avoiding what I am really feeling and what's really going on. "What's are you feeling and what is going on?", said my therapist. Tears filled my eyes and I talked about the pain and sadness I feel right now about my best friend moving away. I cried for the first time in therapy today. Real, genuine tears fell down my cheeks. It was SO hard to talk about it, to talk about him moving. So many things ran through my head. How am I going to do this without him? Just...so many things to think about. I told her...how I have never in my life felt so connected to someone. How, he is the first person that has genuinely cared about me without having an obligation to do so. That means SO much to me, you have no idea. What that feels like...it's amazing. It's the best feeling in the world. What in the world has he seen in me? I don't see it.
But, I don't want to fall apart when he leaves. I don't want to break, like I have done in the past. I want to honor our friendship and stand strong and remember all that he has done for me. I know he would not want me to break or fall apart, in fact he would be quite angry with me. And I don't want that, and he doesn't want that. And so that's what I am going to do. I am going to make the best out of the time we have left together. And when he leaves, I promise myself to stay in contact and honor what we have. I hope he does the same. That's something I really need/want to talk to him about. I want to talk to him about my fears in him leaving, and how I don't want what he have to break up and disappear. I have a strong feeling he wants the same things I do.
So anyway, that's what is going through my head right now. I've learned over and over to never take anyone for granted, because they will leave eventually and you won't realize what you had before it's too late. This is not the case. I know what I have and I am going to make the best of it and not screw it up, and I'm not going to push him away to protect myself from being devastated when he leaves (as much as I want to). Because pushing him away would fill me with regret. And it would not be fair to me, and it would most certainly not be fair to him. Like I said, I want to honor our friendship.
Anyway, right now I am working on my Soul Restoration journal/art book. It is so much fun and so relaxing. When I am finished with it, I will have to find some way to post pictures of it so I can share it with you.
I have a massage in about an hour and I am looking forward to that and the company of another great friend of mine. And then I work tonight from 3:30 to 10.
For now, I just need to breathe, and eat, and take it minute by minute
My therapist mentioned this hospital today. No No No....was my response. She responded with, "Well you have to start eating again if you want to avoid that". That is my main motivation right there. I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. Do you know how much conflict, drama, problems that would cause? Totally don't need that, nor do I feel I need it at this point.
I said that I knew that my eating disorder, and food, and calories are not the real problem here. She mentioned how my eating disorder is a placeholder for me right now. So I said...I know what's really causing this, and by using my eating disorder... I am just avoiding what I am really feeling and what's really going on. "What's are you feeling and what is going on?", said my therapist. Tears filled my eyes and I talked about the pain and sadness I feel right now about my best friend moving away. I cried for the first time in therapy today. Real, genuine tears fell down my cheeks. It was SO hard to talk about it, to talk about him moving. So many things ran through my head. How am I going to do this without him? Just...so many things to think about. I told her...how I have never in my life felt so connected to someone. How, he is the first person that has genuinely cared about me without having an obligation to do so. That means SO much to me, you have no idea. What that feels like...it's amazing. It's the best feeling in the world. What in the world has he seen in me? I don't see it.
But, I don't want to fall apart when he leaves. I don't want to break, like I have done in the past. I want to honor our friendship and stand strong and remember all that he has done for me. I know he would not want me to break or fall apart, in fact he would be quite angry with me. And I don't want that, and he doesn't want that. And so that's what I am going to do. I am going to make the best out of the time we have left together. And when he leaves, I promise myself to stay in contact and honor what we have. I hope he does the same. That's something I really need/want to talk to him about. I want to talk to him about my fears in him leaving, and how I don't want what he have to break up and disappear. I have a strong feeling he wants the same things I do.
So anyway, that's what is going through my head right now. I've learned over and over to never take anyone for granted, because they will leave eventually and you won't realize what you had before it's too late. This is not the case. I know what I have and I am going to make the best of it and not screw it up, and I'm not going to push him away to protect myself from being devastated when he leaves (as much as I want to). Because pushing him away would fill me with regret. And it would not be fair to me, and it would most certainly not be fair to him. Like I said, I want to honor our friendship.
Anyway, right now I am working on my Soul Restoration journal/art book. It is so much fun and so relaxing. When I am finished with it, I will have to find some way to post pictures of it so I can share it with you.
I have a massage in about an hour and I am looking forward to that and the company of another great friend of mine. And then I work tonight from 3:30 to 10.
For now, I just need to breathe, and eat, and take it minute by minute
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Hello ED
I don't really blog about my eating disorder that often because....well sometimes I think it's boring. I hate thinking about it. And I also think sometimes I am in a little bit of denial about it. But, my eating disorder is always on my mind. It is always there...whether it's acting on out behaviors or not...it is always there. I have found that in times of great stress, anxiety, and over all confusion...is when I think about it the most. Totally makes sense right? I mean, it's my crutch. It's my "friend". It's my go-to thing when things are too tough to deal with in a healthy way.
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.
Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.
I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?
Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?
I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.
I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.
Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.
I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?
Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?
I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.
I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
need to get it together
Blah, I don't know what to write. My thoughts are so jumbled. I'm depressed, and anxious, and all over the place. I am crying every day. I hate that, I really do. Even without therapy every week, I really feel I am doing a lot of work on my own. I am journaling, making realizations on my own, dealing with the memories, the flashbacks. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. It's HARD. The only thing I am having problems with, not doing what I am supposed to be doing...is eating. Well..I mean I am eating...just not enough. My therapist said..."eat 3 times a day, I don't care what you eat, or how much, but just have something 3 times a day" And, it's just so difficult. I think back to when I was at Remuda, how much I ate then (I still think they fed us too much there). And I was able to eat that food (most of the time) and I was able to do it when I got home, and for some time afterwards. But something is stopping me from doing it now. Fear of gaining weight, yes? Of course. Even though my weight is technically stable and healthy, I don't want to gain weight. I realize my metabolism is fucked. I want that to change. I honestly feel I could lose a few pounds and I wouldn't be in any danger. I would still be in my weight range. I know I just have to grow a pair and just eat the stupid food 3 times a day, but I do admit there is a lot of fear holding me back, and I guess I just need to get over that too. *sigh*
My old job, might be able to offer me a part time position hostessing again. That would be awesome! Working two jobs would be exhausting, but I need the money so badly, and to get back to therapy once a week. And this other job could make that happen. I talk to my old boss about it on Wednesday, I will for sure let ya'll know about that.
I'm going to the river this weekend. SO excited. I love the water, I love the sun. I'm going with my family, who I actually enjoy spending time with lately.
The 2010 Visa Gymnastics Championships were this weekend. I am obsessed with gymnastics, I follow it very closely. It made me miss gymnastics so much. It's been 10 years since I had to leave the sport, but sometimes I feel like if I stepped back in to the gym, I could be right back at the level I was when I was 11.
Here is my favorite routine (and gymnast) from this weekend.
My old job, might be able to offer me a part time position hostessing again. That would be awesome! Working two jobs would be exhausting, but I need the money so badly, and to get back to therapy once a week. And this other job could make that happen. I talk to my old boss about it on Wednesday, I will for sure let ya'll know about that.
I'm going to the river this weekend. SO excited. I love the water, I love the sun. I'm going with my family, who I actually enjoy spending time with lately.
The 2010 Visa Gymnastics Championships were this weekend. I am obsessed with gymnastics, I follow it very closely. It made me miss gymnastics so much. It's been 10 years since I had to leave the sport, but sometimes I feel like if I stepped back in to the gym, I could be right back at the level I was when I was 11.
Here is my favorite routine (and gymnast) from this weekend.
Visit beta.gymnastike.org for more Videos
Saturday, August 14, 2010
how do you do it
My therapist wants me to eat 3 times a day. I can't seem to do it. I am only getting by eating once a day. I don't even feel hungry. I sleep past breakfast time. I'm scared if I eat I will gain weight. I've eaten 3 times a day before so obviously I can do it again right? But how? I can't find it in me to do it! I need some help with this!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
super long post
Today, was a draining, emotional, but good day. I had therapy today, for the first time in 2 weeks. When I woke up this morning, I literally jumped out of bed because I was so excited. I felt a little bit of anxiety heading into therapy, but more excitement. It was so good to see my therapist. She later texted me and told me how nice it was to see me too.
We covered a lot in our session today. I talked about how my depression has come back in the past couple of weeks. She said that it makes sense that it's come back, because of the lack of control I have with the whole therapy situation. I just have to keep truckin' along and knowing it will not be like this forever. The depression has concerned me a little bit, just the oversleeping, and not cleaning and letting my laundry around...these are all classic signs for me. I know it's all situational, I just need to...keep going.
We also talked about the restricting that's been going on. My therapist is still encouraging me to eat 3 times a day, she says it doesn't matter what I eat, as long as it is 3 times a day. I know this will be hard, but I know it's necessary. My metabolism is majorly fucked up. It has been for quite some time. I want it go back to the way it was. Granted, my weight is fine (in reality, not in my head) but if I continue to eat the way I am, it will not be good for me. It isn't good for me now!
I talked about the situation with my younger sister and how triggering she has been lately. My therapist and I decided I should talk to my mom about this. I am at the point where I am concerned for my sister, that she might have issues with food. And I just want to share my concern with my mom and see if she feels the same way. I didn't get a chance to talk to my mom today, but I'm sure I will soon.
Then, we started talking about abuse stuff. I get really quiet when this topic comes up. I talk, but not as much, and my breathing starts to get really fast. I had brought my journal with me, so I shared with her a few exerpts that I had written pertaining to the abuse. She asked me if I ever get angry about it, or at him. I told her I have a couple times, but not really. She says it's something I need to do and asked why I hold back that anger. I guess it's because...I feel anger towards myself still, also guilt and shame. I feel like I have to apologize to myself..for not taking care of myself better. I also wonder, what happened to him in his life, and feel like...well maybe I have no right to be angry at him if something bad happened to him. My therapist told me I always have a right to my feelings, despite what happened to him. I believe her, but there still seems to be something holding me back from feeling anger. My goal for the next two weeks from my therapist is to experiment with feeling angry, and just see how it goes. I'm scared if I do that, I will completely lose it and lose control. But, hey I am willing to give it a try. We were continuing to talk about the abuse when I started to disconnect. I totally felt it, I zoned out. My eyes were in a blank stare. I could see things in my head, memories. And I felt scared, I felt the tears forming behind my eyes, and my breathing got really really fast. My therapist kept asking me what was going on and I could not open my mouth, it was just physically impossible at the time. Finally she asked,"what do you need, a hug?" I nodded and she came and sat beside me and held me and I finally let the tears out. Afterwards I was able to tell her what was going on in my head and what I was feeling. Today was the first time I have ever cried in front of my therapist (I have been seeing her almost a year). It was a scary and vulnerable thing for me, but God, it felt good to let it out.
I left therapy feeling hopeful, drained, but hopeful. I ran some errands with my mom, went to the library and then went to my parent's house for dinner. I came home to my own house, and basically had a meltdown. "How am I going to get through another 2 weeks?" I kept saying out loud to myself, "Holly you can do this, you are going to be ok" These are words my therapist says to me constantly! But I continued to cry. I also was overcome with emotion when thinking about how supportive and caring my therapist is/has been. Does anyone ever get like that? I mean, I have been in therapy for years, but for the past year I have really started working on all my shit. And my therapist has been completely and 100% supportive and caring, and there for me when I need her. It just makes me emotional. So, I also was crying about that. And then I freaked out about abuse stuff, had some flashbacks, but with the help of Emily (she also blogs on here) I calmed down.
Which brings me to my next little blurb...Emily. I have found a new friend within the past two days. We have talked online for a couple hours the past two nights and now I feel like I've known her forever. She is such an inspiration to me, all that she is going through and fighting, and continuing to be so positive about life and recovery. I could not have gotten through tonight without her, and I know I have her on my side and as my support. Thank you Em, you really mean the world to me.
Well, I think that's about it. Sorry this was so super long, I guess today was sort of epic. It felt that way at least. So I'm ready to fight through the next 2 weeks, journal every day, try to eat 3 times a day, and reach out for help when I need it.
I can do this. I will be okay.
We covered a lot in our session today. I talked about how my depression has come back in the past couple of weeks. She said that it makes sense that it's come back, because of the lack of control I have with the whole therapy situation. I just have to keep truckin' along and knowing it will not be like this forever. The depression has concerned me a little bit, just the oversleeping, and not cleaning and letting my laundry around...these are all classic signs for me. I know it's all situational, I just need to...keep going.
We also talked about the restricting that's been going on. My therapist is still encouraging me to eat 3 times a day, she says it doesn't matter what I eat, as long as it is 3 times a day. I know this will be hard, but I know it's necessary. My metabolism is majorly fucked up. It has been for quite some time. I want it go back to the way it was. Granted, my weight is fine (in reality, not in my head) but if I continue to eat the way I am, it will not be good for me. It isn't good for me now!
I talked about the situation with my younger sister and how triggering she has been lately. My therapist and I decided I should talk to my mom about this. I am at the point where I am concerned for my sister, that she might have issues with food. And I just want to share my concern with my mom and see if she feels the same way. I didn't get a chance to talk to my mom today, but I'm sure I will soon.
Then, we started talking about abuse stuff. I get really quiet when this topic comes up. I talk, but not as much, and my breathing starts to get really fast. I had brought my journal with me, so I shared with her a few exerpts that I had written pertaining to the abuse. She asked me if I ever get angry about it, or at him. I told her I have a couple times, but not really. She says it's something I need to do and asked why I hold back that anger. I guess it's because...I feel anger towards myself still, also guilt and shame. I feel like I have to apologize to myself..for not taking care of myself better. I also wonder, what happened to him in his life, and feel like...well maybe I have no right to be angry at him if something bad happened to him. My therapist told me I always have a right to my feelings, despite what happened to him. I believe her, but there still seems to be something holding me back from feeling anger. My goal for the next two weeks from my therapist is to experiment with feeling angry, and just see how it goes. I'm scared if I do that, I will completely lose it and lose control. But, hey I am willing to give it a try. We were continuing to talk about the abuse when I started to disconnect. I totally felt it, I zoned out. My eyes were in a blank stare. I could see things in my head, memories. And I felt scared, I felt the tears forming behind my eyes, and my breathing got really really fast. My therapist kept asking me what was going on and I could not open my mouth, it was just physically impossible at the time. Finally she asked,"what do you need, a hug?" I nodded and she came and sat beside me and held me and I finally let the tears out. Afterwards I was able to tell her what was going on in my head and what I was feeling. Today was the first time I have ever cried in front of my therapist (I have been seeing her almost a year). It was a scary and vulnerable thing for me, but God, it felt good to let it out.
I left therapy feeling hopeful, drained, but hopeful. I ran some errands with my mom, went to the library and then went to my parent's house for dinner. I came home to my own house, and basically had a meltdown. "How am I going to get through another 2 weeks?" I kept saying out loud to myself, "Holly you can do this, you are going to be ok" These are words my therapist says to me constantly! But I continued to cry. I also was overcome with emotion when thinking about how supportive and caring my therapist is/has been. Does anyone ever get like that? I mean, I have been in therapy for years, but for the past year I have really started working on all my shit. And my therapist has been completely and 100% supportive and caring, and there for me when I need her. It just makes me emotional. So, I also was crying about that. And then I freaked out about abuse stuff, had some flashbacks, but with the help of Emily (she also blogs on here) I calmed down.
Which brings me to my next little blurb...Emily. I have found a new friend within the past two days. We have talked online for a couple hours the past two nights and now I feel like I've known her forever. She is such an inspiration to me, all that she is going through and fighting, and continuing to be so positive about life and recovery. I could not have gotten through tonight without her, and I know I have her on my side and as my support. Thank you Em, you really mean the world to me.
Well, I think that's about it. Sorry this was so super long, I guess today was sort of epic. It felt that way at least. So I'm ready to fight through the next 2 weeks, journal every day, try to eat 3 times a day, and reach out for help when I need it.
I can do this. I will be okay.
Monday, August 2, 2010
wowza
So, I feel like a lot is going on. But don't I always feel that way? Let me take a big deep breath before I start writing all of this out.
Where to begin?
First of all, last week at work I witnessed a theft. A customer in the store had her purse snatched. I saw the whole thing happen. I saw the man walk in the door, walk all the way around the store, snatch her purse (the woman was 9 months pregnant) and run out the door. I got a pretty good look at his face. After the incident occurred (my manager called 911) I was interviewed by the police, wrote my statement and gave them my contact info. I had to write my statement again to give it to the Panera people. And then today at work, two robbery detectives showed up and I was shown a photo line-up and I picked out the guy. (or at the least the guy I'm positive was him) The detectives did not tell me whether or not I picked out the right guy. So, I don't know what the next step is from here. I again gave them my contact info. Hopefully I won't have to like...testify in court or anything. Anyway, reflecting back on the whole thing...it was pretty terrifying. I have never experienced anything like it. I felt so badly for the woman, I was scared that she possibly could go into early labor (my OB/GYN experience kicked in here), and then I thought what if he had come up to at my cash register and demanded money from me? Thank goodness that didn't happen. So...that is one thing that has been swirling around in my head. It's just been surreal. Feels like it didn't happen, but it did.
I am definitely having trouble with accepting the whole going to therapy once a week thing. I really am beating myself up because...it's only every other week right? I mean...why am I freaking out about this so much? So the answer to that question...well I think what happened is...the week before this decison was made that me and my parents could no longer afford weekly therapy, I had committed myself to really working on my issues. As scary as it was...I admitted to myself that I was ready and willing to work on my abuse issues. I am hesitant to work on my ED issues because I feel like...it's always been there for me (way more complicated than that, I know), but I am willing to talk about it and try things out. For me to make a committment like this, to really WANT to work on my issues is...HUGE for me. It's something therapists have been trying to get me to do for years. So, even though I know that I can stil work on my issues every other week in therapy, I feel somewhat defeated. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm also doubting myself as to whether I can do this, get through a week by myself. I admit...I need to work on being more independent and relying on myself more, but it's also scary as hell. I miss my therapist (hello Holly...it hasn't even been a week). I also struggle with...okay how long is this every other week thing going to go on? I need a timeline. I am going to work on getting more hours at work, maybe finding another full time job, or add a part time job on to the job I have.
Wow, okay that was a long paragraph. Still not done yet.
I've been having a lot of nightmares, flashbacks, etc. Lately I feel like everything I do and everywhere I go...there is some reminder of him and what happened. I keep seeing myself in that basement. Everything scares me. My chest tightens up every time I think about it. And it's impossible to not think about it.
I think I'm just about out of words. The eating is not going well at all. I just can't get motivated to eat, so lame. I am so ashamed of myself. I am better than this. Why can't I just get myself together? Why is recovery so hard and scary for me?
I am crying a lot and I hate it. I feel alone and I hate it. Frisbee is over and I hate it. I have no money and I hate it.
I am still journaling everyday and trying my hardest to reach out for help to my therapist and a few friends when I need it...but I also am scared and ashamed to reach out for help.
Okay, that's all for now. I will of course write more later.
Where to begin?
First of all, last week at work I witnessed a theft. A customer in the store had her purse snatched. I saw the whole thing happen. I saw the man walk in the door, walk all the way around the store, snatch her purse (the woman was 9 months pregnant) and run out the door. I got a pretty good look at his face. After the incident occurred (my manager called 911) I was interviewed by the police, wrote my statement and gave them my contact info. I had to write my statement again to give it to the Panera people. And then today at work, two robbery detectives showed up and I was shown a photo line-up and I picked out the guy. (or at the least the guy I'm positive was him) The detectives did not tell me whether or not I picked out the right guy. So, I don't know what the next step is from here. I again gave them my contact info. Hopefully I won't have to like...testify in court or anything. Anyway, reflecting back on the whole thing...it was pretty terrifying. I have never experienced anything like it. I felt so badly for the woman, I was scared that she possibly could go into early labor (my OB/GYN experience kicked in here), and then I thought what if he had come up to at my cash register and demanded money from me? Thank goodness that didn't happen. So...that is one thing that has been swirling around in my head. It's just been surreal. Feels like it didn't happen, but it did.
I am definitely having trouble with accepting the whole going to therapy once a week thing. I really am beating myself up because...it's only every other week right? I mean...why am I freaking out about this so much? So the answer to that question...well I think what happened is...the week before this decison was made that me and my parents could no longer afford weekly therapy, I had committed myself to really working on my issues. As scary as it was...I admitted to myself that I was ready and willing to work on my abuse issues. I am hesitant to work on my ED issues because I feel like...it's always been there for me (way more complicated than that, I know), but I am willing to talk about it and try things out. For me to make a committment like this, to really WANT to work on my issues is...HUGE for me. It's something therapists have been trying to get me to do for years. So, even though I know that I can stil work on my issues every other week in therapy, I feel somewhat defeated. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm also doubting myself as to whether I can do this, get through a week by myself. I admit...I need to work on being more independent and relying on myself more, but it's also scary as hell. I miss my therapist (hello Holly...it hasn't even been a week). I also struggle with...okay how long is this every other week thing going to go on? I need a timeline. I am going to work on getting more hours at work, maybe finding another full time job, or add a part time job on to the job I have.
Wow, okay that was a long paragraph. Still not done yet.
I've been having a lot of nightmares, flashbacks, etc. Lately I feel like everything I do and everywhere I go...there is some reminder of him and what happened. I keep seeing myself in that basement. Everything scares me. My chest tightens up every time I think about it. And it's impossible to not think about it.
I think I'm just about out of words. The eating is not going well at all. I just can't get motivated to eat, so lame. I am so ashamed of myself. I am better than this. Why can't I just get myself together? Why is recovery so hard and scary for me?
I am crying a lot and I hate it. I feel alone and I hate it. Frisbee is over and I hate it. I have no money and I hate it.
I am still journaling everyday and trying my hardest to reach out for help to my therapist and a few friends when I need it...but I also am scared and ashamed to reach out for help.
Okay, that's all for now. I will of course write more later.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
thank you and update.
First of all, thank you to everyone who offered me support on my last post. It really means a lot to me, it means the world actually. I do not have any real friends here in Richmond, but to know that you guys are there for me...feels good.
I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero energy. I wake up crying. I cry at night. I sometimes cry in the middle of the day. This whole, only going to therapy every other week, is really throwing me. I wish I was stronger than this, could deal with this better and not be so FREAKED OUT. I'm not even sure why I am so upset about all of this. But I think I have an idea. Last week I had committed myself to fully working on my problems, especially my trauma. And while excited is not exactly the right word to explain how I felt about working on everything, I was looking forward to...working on things, and feeling better. And I know I can still work on things by going every other week, but it's not the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I feel defeated. I don't want to be such a negative person and be all depressed and sad and everything. But I feel scared.
Eating is not going well at all. It's either, I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, I can't eat, or I don't know how to eat. I know that last one might sound strange, but sometimes I really forget how to eat. I know this whole not eating thing is a result of...well of a few things. The recent change in therapy, stress at work, stress with money, abuse memories, etc. If I don't make some changes with this eating...like eating 3 times a day like my therapist told me...then this could get really bad. It's been almost a year since I had a full blown relapse and was at my lowest weight ever, which caused me to lose my job at the time. I don't want that. But gosh, the ED really is a friend sometimes. I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for saying that. And yes, I know...it really is an enemy.
Ultimate frisbee semi's are tomorrow. So pumped! I'm the most competitive person, and if we don't win and make it to finals...I will not be a happy girl.
We had a hell of a storm here the other night. Knocked out a ton of power lines. We have our power back, but now our AC doesn't work. That's really...annoying.
I saw the movie Inception last weekend. I loved it so much that I am going to see it again today...by myself. My parents complained that I should be saving my money. But I really want to do something that makes me happy and feel good. I feel like I need it right now. I feel guilty for going against what my parents want but...I'm 22 years old...I can make my decisions, correct?
Anyway...that's my venting for the day.
I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero energy. I wake up crying. I cry at night. I sometimes cry in the middle of the day. This whole, only going to therapy every other week, is really throwing me. I wish I was stronger than this, could deal with this better and not be so FREAKED OUT. I'm not even sure why I am so upset about all of this. But I think I have an idea. Last week I had committed myself to fully working on my problems, especially my trauma. And while excited is not exactly the right word to explain how I felt about working on everything, I was looking forward to...working on things, and feeling better. And I know I can still work on things by going every other week, but it's not the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I feel defeated. I don't want to be such a negative person and be all depressed and sad and everything. But I feel scared.
Eating is not going well at all. It's either, I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, I can't eat, or I don't know how to eat. I know that last one might sound strange, but sometimes I really forget how to eat. I know this whole not eating thing is a result of...well of a few things. The recent change in therapy, stress at work, stress with money, abuse memories, etc. If I don't make some changes with this eating...like eating 3 times a day like my therapist told me...then this could get really bad. It's been almost a year since I had a full blown relapse and was at my lowest weight ever, which caused me to lose my job at the time. I don't want that. But gosh, the ED really is a friend sometimes. I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for saying that. And yes, I know...it really is an enemy.
Ultimate frisbee semi's are tomorrow. So pumped! I'm the most competitive person, and if we don't win and make it to finals...I will not be a happy girl.
We had a hell of a storm here the other night. Knocked out a ton of power lines. We have our power back, but now our AC doesn't work. That's really...annoying.
I saw the movie Inception last weekend. I loved it so much that I am going to see it again today...by myself. My parents complained that I should be saving my money. But I really want to do something that makes me happy and feel good. I feel like I need it right now. I feel guilty for going against what my parents want but...I'm 22 years old...I can make my decisions, correct?
Anyway...that's my venting for the day.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
here's what happened.
I headed off to therapy. In my last blog post I wrote about how shitty my insurance is and that it does not cover mental health services (including therapy). So anyway, that was weighing really heavily on my mind today and I talked to my therapist about it. She recommended that I somehow convince my parents to pay for me to go every week for a month to work really hard on trauma work, and then if they/I can still not afford it, we will have to do every other week. Okay, I am just freaking out at this point, internally...not letting it show. Also I told my therapist about my recent struggles with restricting. She said for me to journal about what I'm eating each day, or what I am planning to eat, and the feelings surrounding it and whatever is going on that day. Totally do-able. Then, she said I need to start eating 3 times a day. Freak out starts happening. I have been eating only once or twice a day for a while now (not full meals) and bingeing at night. I have been using my eating disorder to numb my emotions. My therapist kept saying to me, "this is not about the food. you are not freaking out about the food. you are freaking out about fully dealing with your emotions." While I know she is right about that, I still am freaking out about the food.
So, I left my therapist's office, went down the elevator, got into my car, and had a panic attack. Then I went to my parent's house to speak to my mom about the whole therapy thing. I told her, "Mom I really need therapy once a week right now" My mom responded that she and my dad cannot afford once a week right now and I have to cut back to every other week. Okay, I know every other week does not sound that bad. But I have been working the hardest I ever have in therapy and need it more than ever. My parents do not know about the abuse, so they do not know how much I am struggling. After hearing this from my mom (I still need to talk to my Dad), I went back to my car, and had yet another panic attack. I texted my therapist...haven't heard back...she's probably still in sessions.
At least I have frisbee tonight, to run off all of this shit in my head.
I also have some goals I established in therapy today. Right now I don't want to do them, just want to cry under my covers. But I know I need to step up and make things change.
My goals:
-journal every day
- sign up to take the medical assistant certification test
-look for jobs on craiglist.com
-breathe
-eat 3 times a day.
This was super long. Sorry about that. Just a lot going on.
So, I left my therapist's office, went down the elevator, got into my car, and had a panic attack. Then I went to my parent's house to speak to my mom about the whole therapy thing. I told her, "Mom I really need therapy once a week right now" My mom responded that she and my dad cannot afford once a week right now and I have to cut back to every other week. Okay, I know every other week does not sound that bad. But I have been working the hardest I ever have in therapy and need it more than ever. My parents do not know about the abuse, so they do not know how much I am struggling. After hearing this from my mom (I still need to talk to my Dad), I went back to my car, and had yet another panic attack. I texted my therapist...haven't heard back...she's probably still in sessions.
At least I have frisbee tonight, to run off all of this shit in my head.
I also have some goals I established in therapy today. Right now I don't want to do them, just want to cry under my covers. But I know I need to step up and make things change.
My goals:
-journal every day
- sign up to take the medical assistant certification test
-look for jobs on craiglist.com
-breathe
-eat 3 times a day.
This was super long. Sorry about that. Just a lot going on.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
struggling
it's my birthday tomorrow, which makes me hate myself for writing this post. i should be doing well and happy and positive on my birthday right?
I'm working on the abuse in therapy, which has been hard, but necessary. However I think it's sent my anxiety into overdrive and I'm MAJORLY resorting back into my ED. It's weird though, I really don't feel much anxiety. I have been restricting a lot and I know it's not good but I have no appetite and eating feels so hard right now. Definitely something to discuss with my therapist...
which brings me to my next issue. My new insurance from work SUCKS. It does not cover therapy. And I will most likely have to change some of my doctors because they are not in my insurance network. I cannot afford therapy on my own, and my parent's are having financial issues themselves. I am petrified that I will have to cut back on therapy, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that. Never been in this situation before, and I'm panicking.
Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22 years old. I am spending the day at Busch Gardens with some friends. SO excited! I LOVE rollercoasters! Then I am having birthday dinner with my family later that night, and birthday cake afterwards. Just to throw it out there, cake is my biggest fear food. I am going to try and resist the fear and have a piece of cake on my birthday.
Right now I'm hurting though. I want to curl into a ball on my therapist's couch and cry and cry. I don't want to lose therapy. I need it right now, more than ever.
I'm working on the abuse in therapy, which has been hard, but necessary. However I think it's sent my anxiety into overdrive and I'm MAJORLY resorting back into my ED. It's weird though, I really don't feel much anxiety. I have been restricting a lot and I know it's not good but I have no appetite and eating feels so hard right now. Definitely something to discuss with my therapist...
which brings me to my next issue. My new insurance from work SUCKS. It does not cover therapy. And I will most likely have to change some of my doctors because they are not in my insurance network. I cannot afford therapy on my own, and my parent's are having financial issues themselves. I am petrified that I will have to cut back on therapy, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that. Never been in this situation before, and I'm panicking.
Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22 years old. I am spending the day at Busch Gardens with some friends. SO excited! I LOVE rollercoasters! Then I am having birthday dinner with my family later that night, and birthday cake afterwards. Just to throw it out there, cake is my biggest fear food. I am going to try and resist the fear and have a piece of cake on my birthday.
Right now I'm hurting though. I want to curl into a ball on my therapist's couch and cry and cry. I don't want to lose therapy. I need it right now, more than ever.
Monday, July 12, 2010
tears
Well, I've just been Miss Waterworks lately. I know there's a lot of reasons why. Not sure I really feel like going into all of it in detail
I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.
I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.
I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.
Just a lot of crying.
I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.
I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.
I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.
Just a lot of crying.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
heat
I have therapy tomorrow. Last Friday after the hardest therapy session of my life, I decided I really did not want to do that again, talk about it again. But, now I do. I just feel a need to talk about it; how it's affecting me, what I feel about it, and just more of the memories. I'm scared too, but I feel like I'm going to explode by not talking about it. And I know that's healthy. And I know it's a good thing that I have a need to talk about it. But it's like....damn, this is going to be the hardest shit I've ever done.
The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.
The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?
I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.
It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.
Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.
The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.
The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?
I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.
It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.
Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.
Friday, June 25, 2010
gotta have faith
I'm exhausted. Just...in general. I am fully realizing the extent of what happened to me when I was 11. I still have a hard time owning it though. Like...saying out loud..."I was sexually abused". I can't do that yet. I'm beginning to think the EMDR might not be such a bad idea. But I want to know more about it. I guess I knew all along I had PTSD, but when my therapist said it to me on Wednesday...it hit hard. It's scary. It really is. That's all I feel up to writing about that stuff right now.
ED stuff isn't going too well. I have purged twice in the past week. I'm on day 4 of no purging though. I continue to struggle with eating throughout the day, and then bingeing at night. At night...I think about food constantly. This is something i have struggled with since middle school. It's such a nightmare. My dietitian has always told me the solution to the night bingeing would be to eat all of my meals. That's so hard to do right now, even though I know I need to do it. I think about purging every single time I eat something. I have been fighting the urges for 4 days now. I just need to keep it up.
And, I miss my best friend Jen. I have no idea where she is or how she is. I miss her terribly, and I need her.
ED stuff isn't going too well. I have purged twice in the past week. I'm on day 4 of no purging though. I continue to struggle with eating throughout the day, and then bingeing at night. At night...I think about food constantly. This is something i have struggled with since middle school. It's such a nightmare. My dietitian has always told me the solution to the night bingeing would be to eat all of my meals. That's so hard to do right now, even though I know I need to do it. I think about purging every single time I eat something. I have been fighting the urges for 4 days now. I just need to keep it up.
And, I miss my best friend Jen. I have no idea where she is or how she is. I miss her terribly, and I need her.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
depression
I've been hesitating to post. I am pretty embarrassed with how much I'm struggling. I don't even know why I am having such a hard time with depression. But I am. It all started last Friday. I guess I had a pretty intense therapy session, and it just triggered depression and a lot of self-harm thoughts and urges in me. I wrote about how hopeless I have been and still am. One one hand I want to die...I do. I want to just end the anxiety, the pain, and the torture. But on the other hand, I know deep in my heart somewhere there is some hope, and that I have felt better than this before, so I know it's possible again, right? I don't know if I am suicidal or not. That sounds crazy I know. But I can't figure it out. I definitely was the other night. Does anyone, like me, get annoyed and frustrated with having to rely on medication to make anxiety or depression better? I know it's a great thing, but I often wonder if that's really the solution to my problems. Besides, meds scare me, always have. I take them, but very reluctantly.
So, I don't want to live the way I am living anymore. I know the strong and right thing to do is to fight, but honestly I am tired of doing that too. Some would argue that I'm not even fighting to begin with, but I think I am. I fight my urges, I fight my thoughts. I go to therapy, I take my meds, I do my breathing exercises, I have a job, etc. Maybe I'm not perfect at all of these things, but at least I am doing them. And who does it perfectly anyway? People keep telling me..."you can and will recover from your eating disorder. you will heal from the sexual abuse, it will get better. These things just take time" I always want to respond with..."how much time?" Okay, so I know I have only just begun to work on the abuse, it's only been about 7 months that I've been working on that in therapy. But with everything else, the eating disorder, the anxiety...that's been going on for years. I don't blame my current or previous therapists. If anyone, I blame myself for not being at a good spot in recovery at this point. Maybe I am not fighting hard enough, trying hard enough. Maybe I don't want it. I'm not completely sure. I do know that it scares me to recover from all of my issues. They have been my identity for years now, without them...who am I? Everyone will leave me. I will be alone.
I am constantly terrified that my therapist is mad at me or annoyed at me. She swears she isn't. But sometimes I wonder...she must be. I have annoyed school counselors and therapists in the past, how come she hasn't yelled at me yet or left me? I was abandoned by a school counselor before, and yelled at many times. Okay, so maybe I deserved to be yelled at a few times. But my therapist right now trusts me, I think. She seems to. I don't know how I deserve such a good therapist. She's really amazing.
I realize this post has been all over the place, but that's kind of how I am right now.
Today is my little sister's 18th birthday. I can't believe how old me and my sisters are getting. My big sister turns 26 in a couple of weeks, and I turn 22 in a month.
Anyway. Whoever read all of this deserves a medal. I know it wasn't that much fun or exciting to read.
So, I don't want to live the way I am living anymore. I know the strong and right thing to do is to fight, but honestly I am tired of doing that too. Some would argue that I'm not even fighting to begin with, but I think I am. I fight my urges, I fight my thoughts. I go to therapy, I take my meds, I do my breathing exercises, I have a job, etc. Maybe I'm not perfect at all of these things, but at least I am doing them. And who does it perfectly anyway? People keep telling me..."you can and will recover from your eating disorder. you will heal from the sexual abuse, it will get better. These things just take time" I always want to respond with..."how much time?" Okay, so I know I have only just begun to work on the abuse, it's only been about 7 months that I've been working on that in therapy. But with everything else, the eating disorder, the anxiety...that's been going on for years. I don't blame my current or previous therapists. If anyone, I blame myself for not being at a good spot in recovery at this point. Maybe I am not fighting hard enough, trying hard enough. Maybe I don't want it. I'm not completely sure. I do know that it scares me to recover from all of my issues. They have been my identity for years now, without them...who am I? Everyone will leave me. I will be alone.
I am constantly terrified that my therapist is mad at me or annoyed at me. She swears she isn't. But sometimes I wonder...she must be. I have annoyed school counselors and therapists in the past, how come she hasn't yelled at me yet or left me? I was abandoned by a school counselor before, and yelled at many times. Okay, so maybe I deserved to be yelled at a few times. But my therapist right now trusts me, I think. She seems to. I don't know how I deserve such a good therapist. She's really amazing.
I realize this post has been all over the place, but that's kind of how I am right now.
Today is my little sister's 18th birthday. I can't believe how old me and my sisters are getting. My big sister turns 26 in a couple of weeks, and I turn 22 in a month.
Anyway. Whoever read all of this deserves a medal. I know it wasn't that much fun or exciting to read.
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