discouraged and frustrated

I'm so frustrated with myself these days. I beat myself up daily for not being able to handle things better than I think I should be. Every one tells me that the healing process and recovery process is such a journey and that it will get easier and hurt less. But I'm just exhausted with the process and really discouraged. I mean, I know I have made progress since I began seeing my new therapist over the summer. I made progress that I didn't even know that I needed to make. But it's so difficult and I'm so tired.

I think the trauma work has to be the hardest. There are times when I feel so much better after venting about it or writing about it. And then there are other times, like today, when I feel so incredibly stupid for being so upset over it and not being able to be stronger about it. I got so depressed after therapy this morning. I wanted to cry so much. I kept saying to myself, "I hate this, I hate this."  I had one of those moments where I told myself that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I was done. I thought about the psychiatric hospital and as awful as a place that is, today it felt like it would be a safe place for me. To just take a break from work and family and drama. That's not reality though. I need to learn how to deal with what's going on in my life.

I know I am way too hard on myself. People have been telling me this for years. It's just confusing how some times I can be so forgiving of myself and what I'm going through, and other times I feel stupid, dumb, weak, annoying, and worthless. And I care SO much about what other people think about me and how I go through life. I want it to be the "right way", if there is such a thing. Ugh.

I am struggling a little bit with restricting. I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of anxiety or being overwhelmed, or not being able to focus on taking care of myself. And it's so easy to just forget to eat or skip a meal. I hate doing it. I'm mad that my eating disorder is making me feel stuck.

Depression is wrapping me up and consuming me as the days go by. Each day I feel a little less motivated. Simple tasks such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking out the trash, showering, and doing my make up are starting to become very hard tasks.

I'm so tired all the time. Really. All the time. I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. It's 7:30pm here and I could seriously fall asleep in seconds.

I have to make it through this Winter. Somehow, it needs to be done.

some things better, some things worse

This will be brief.

Food stuff is getting better. Not sure where my weight is, but probably not where it need to be. I've lost 10lbs since May. My appetite is back, and I have cravings. But my anxiety still prevents me from being able to eat when I want to and when I need to. That sounds like an excuse, which it's not. It's just...pretty bad with the anxiety right now so...eating is difficult. My dietitian isn't too happy about that.
Still haven't purged since I've been out of the hospital, so like...over a month I guess?

Therapy is hard and scary as SHIT. Doing a TON of trauma work. I know it's good for me, but I feel like a little kid again and I'm on edge with just about everything. Triggers all day long, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. I still have had no means of release of the emotions, the sadness and the grief. I am beginning to cry a little, but it's still stuffed way, way down in there. Luckily, my therapist is AH-mazing, and is being really great throughout all of this. She's seriously doing some serious saving right now.

I opened up to the mom I babysit for...about pretty much everything. She's been super supportive and super caring. I still can't believe how much I told her, but she's been awesome about it. She's invited me over for dinner a few days this week and to just hang out so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Caroline's 13th birthday and they celebrated tonight at PF Changs for dinner, and invited me to go with them. It was a lot of fun, and good to be around people who consider me part of their family.

I have been having a ton of sleep issues. I can't fall asleep at night, so I increase my sleep meds, but then I end up oversleeping or falling asleep at work. I don't mean a light nap, I am being completely knocked out. It sucks and I hated being tired all of the time. If I try and cut back on my sleep medication, then I can't fall asleep. It's a no win situation. My psychiatrist is out of town, which blows.

My shoulder is doing better. I don't need surgery. I no longer have to wear a sling. I have to start physical therapy, because I have very little strength and range of motion in my left arm/shoulder now. And I have to take a prescription anti-inflammatory. PT is such a pain in the ass.

That's about it. I'm getting by, but it's on a day to day basis. I can't look forward to a week from now or else I will have a panic attack.

this and that.

I'm currently at the beach on vacation. It is Heaven here. The weather is perfect and I love the beach so I am feeling super relaxed. We are here (my family and I) until next Sunday. Which means I will be spending my birthday here, which I have NO problem with.

Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.

I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.

I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.

My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.

It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.

Anyway, that's it with me. For now.