the past few days...

So, sorry that I haven't updated in a few days. My laptop decided to crash, but it seems to be working now, except it's super slow and the wi-fi doesn't work. But I'm calling tomorrow to see about getting it fixed.

How am I doing? I'm doing pretty great actually! I have gotten back on track with my food. Eating all three meals the past 3 days. I had a very successful grocery shopping trip. Although, I realized I much rather prefer to go grocery shopping at night because during the day I just want to kill every one around me. I just get really anxious and short tempered and, I really just want to scream and run and hide. I really hope grocery shopping gets easier. I see my dietitian tomorrow and I'm really undecided about whether or not to look at my weight. I just need to know, it's like this control thing. But I really don't want my weight to have such a power hold on me, you know? I will talk to my dietitian about it tomorrow.

I guess I have been feeling a little more depressed lately. Not really sure why. Maybe because summer is coming to a close and I will be working full time in 2 weeks. And even though it's not even Fall yet, I am getting increasingly anxious about Winter time. It seems every Winter I fall into a hole. And last Winter I fell in one so deep I almost didn't make it out alive. This is something I definitely need to discuss with my team, and make sure I don't have a repeat of last year.

Group is over next week and I'm up in the air about whether or not I should join the next one. I guess what's holding me back that competitive side of me that feels like I need to be sicker and worse than everyone else with an eating disorder in order to deserve and need attention. It's something I have struggled with for many years, and just can't seem to kick it, although it has gotten a tiny bit easier. I just need to move on from that.

I spent the weekend at my dad's friend's river house and that was really fun. We went tubing today and I got a little sting by a jellyfish, but it didn't sting too much, just kind of like needles going into the back of my leg. It wasn't really relaxing because they had a 7 year old boy that was like out of control and threw tantrums all the time. But I got more tan and spending any amount of time on the water is like heaven to me. I didn't really sleep last night because it was too hot and I had too much sweet tea to drink that day. So now I'm exhausted.

It seems as though my allergies have kicked in again. My sinuses are killing me and I'm all congested. I think it might have something to do with the Great Dismal Swamp being on fire and so it's kind of smoky here. But it just sucks because I feel awful.

Anyway, that's all for now. I will update more later on in the week.