So, sorry that I haven't updated in a few days. My laptop decided to crash, but it seems to be working now, except it's super slow and the wi-fi doesn't work. But I'm calling tomorrow to see about getting it fixed.
How am I doing? I'm doing pretty great actually! I have gotten back on track with my food. Eating all three meals the past 3 days. I had a very successful grocery shopping trip. Although, I realized I much rather prefer to go grocery shopping at night because during the day I just want to kill every one around me. I just get really anxious and short tempered and, I really just want to scream and run and hide. I really hope grocery shopping gets easier. I see my dietitian tomorrow and I'm really undecided about whether or not to look at my weight. I just need to know, it's like this control thing. But I really don't want my weight to have such a power hold on me, you know? I will talk to my dietitian about it tomorrow.
I guess I have been feeling a little more depressed lately. Not really sure why. Maybe because summer is coming to a close and I will be working full time in 2 weeks. And even though it's not even Fall yet, I am getting increasingly anxious about Winter time. It seems every Winter I fall into a hole. And last Winter I fell in one so deep I almost didn't make it out alive. This is something I definitely need to discuss with my team, and make sure I don't have a repeat of last year.
Group is over next week and I'm up in the air about whether or not I should join the next one. I guess what's holding me back that competitive side of me that feels like I need to be sicker and worse than everyone else with an eating disorder in order to deserve and need attention. It's something I have struggled with for many years, and just can't seem to kick it, although it has gotten a tiny bit easier. I just need to move on from that.
I spent the weekend at my dad's friend's river house and that was really fun. We went tubing today and I got a little sting by a jellyfish, but it didn't sting too much, just kind of like needles going into the back of my leg. It wasn't really relaxing because they had a 7 year old boy that was like out of control and threw tantrums all the time. But I got more tan and spending any amount of time on the water is like heaven to me. I didn't really sleep last night because it was too hot and I had too much sweet tea to drink that day. So now I'm exhausted.
It seems as though my allergies have kicked in again. My sinuses are killing me and I'm all congested. I think it might have something to do with the Great Dismal Swamp being on fire and so it's kind of smoky here. But it just sucks because I feel awful.
Anyway, that's all for now. I will update more later on in the week.
So glad to hear that things are going well for you with finishing meals! Although I am doing the same (I can't seem to stop eating for some reason) I feel such guilt after every bite I take.
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do about grocery shopping. I get the same way. It's just the fact that I'm in a crowd of people who always seem to be in my way and won't move. It's great that you can recognize that it's better for you to go shopping in the evening; anything that you can do to lower your stress is good and needs to be done!
I really hope that this winter brings you less (if not any) struggles than it usually does. Know that you have so many people who are here for you to help you and to talk if you need the support. I will be here to listen and give as much support as I can for you with any struggle. Do not feel like reaching out for support and help will cause you to be a disappointment to people. Short of murdering someone, I don't think there's much you could do that would disappoint someone!
To wrap things up, I am really proud of all the progress you've made. Don't feel compelled to look at your weight. I know that the anxiety over not feeling that aspect of control is rough, but if you're anything like me, the relief of not knowing the number on the scale far outweighs (no pun intended) that temporary anxiety. The urge to know your weight WILL pass and I think you'll feel much better by not being tied to your weight. As long as you're healthy, that's all that truly matters. I know that's hard to believe about yourself, but it's what is true.
I really hope that you can come visit this weekend! My house is open if you want to stay overnight. Ashley thinks that she will be able to come visit too!!
I am happy for you that you are making such progress. Going to the groups is not just good for you it´s also good for the others. If they see that you are someone that got better it gives them hope. Ánd just because you feel better doesn`t mean that you don´t need ANY support anymore!
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