I hate this time of year. Starting a couple weeks ago until warmer weather gets here, I absolutely loathe this time of year.
I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.
I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.
I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.
PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.
I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.
Showing posts with label winter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label winter. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Almost time for 2012
Well, I think I have a lot to catch up on.
Yesterday my friend Erin came to visit. It was SO good to see her! When she got here we went shopping at the big mall and then went out to dinner at Brio with my dad, sister, and my sister's boyfriend. Dinner was really yummy! It was worth the 45 minutes we had to wait. I was sitting on a couch and this really strange woman was practically sitting on top of me and constantly fidgeting. It was REALLY annoying.
Anyway, after dinner we came back to my house and watched Bridesmaids. Oh my goodness, if you have not watched this, please go see it right now. I literally peed in my pants I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious! Erin and I stayed up for a couple more hours watching The Simple Life with Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. I hadn't watched it in forever and I forgot how funny that show was.
We got up at 11 this morning, because I had a psychiatrist appointment I had to go to, and I really didn't want to drag her to that. So she drove back home to Maryland. I'm sad our visit was so short, but I know we will see each other again soon!
My psychiatrist appointment was...interesting. I was sitting in the waiting room and I just felt this very profound sense of sadness. I really wasn't sure where it was coming from or why it came on so suddenly. When my psychiatrist called me back he could tell right away that something was going on. I just updated him on all the family drama and money problems, and then I admitted to him that lately, meaning the past 3-4 weeks, I have missed my eating disorder. I have found myself fantasizing about it almost every day. And I have not been doing that great with breakfast. And then I talked about how this cold weather is reminding me of the physical and emotional state I was in a year ago. Full blown relapse, severely depressed, suicidal, cutting all over myself, no sleep, no sense of happiness or safety, an unhealthy relationship, medical issues, etc. I feel like I'm reliving all of that again. Except, I'm really not. But I think last year was really traumatizing and I am terrified when I think about that. I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings, except feel them. Which is really hard right now. So, anyway I was telling my psychiatrist this and I felt the tears. And it was crazy because I've never cried in front of him before, not in my 6 years of seeing him. And I was like, "Oh shit" and he knew I was crying. It was just...interesting, but good I guess.
Anyway, so tomorrow I see my therapist. I can't wait to give her the CD I made her. I hope she likes it. And then I am supposed to have lunch with my second mom, although she hasn't texted me back to confirm it. And then I am meeting up with my friend Karen after that. It should be a good day.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Yesterday my friend Erin came to visit. It was SO good to see her! When she got here we went shopping at the big mall and then went out to dinner at Brio with my dad, sister, and my sister's boyfriend. Dinner was really yummy! It was worth the 45 minutes we had to wait. I was sitting on a couch and this really strange woman was practically sitting on top of me and constantly fidgeting. It was REALLY annoying.
Anyway, after dinner we came back to my house and watched Bridesmaids. Oh my goodness, if you have not watched this, please go see it right now. I literally peed in my pants I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious! Erin and I stayed up for a couple more hours watching The Simple Life with Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. I hadn't watched it in forever and I forgot how funny that show was.
We got up at 11 this morning, because I had a psychiatrist appointment I had to go to, and I really didn't want to drag her to that. So she drove back home to Maryland. I'm sad our visit was so short, but I know we will see each other again soon!
My psychiatrist appointment was...interesting. I was sitting in the waiting room and I just felt this very profound sense of sadness. I really wasn't sure where it was coming from or why it came on so suddenly. When my psychiatrist called me back he could tell right away that something was going on. I just updated him on all the family drama and money problems, and then I admitted to him that lately, meaning the past 3-4 weeks, I have missed my eating disorder. I have found myself fantasizing about it almost every day. And I have not been doing that great with breakfast. And then I talked about how this cold weather is reminding me of the physical and emotional state I was in a year ago. Full blown relapse, severely depressed, suicidal, cutting all over myself, no sleep, no sense of happiness or safety, an unhealthy relationship, medical issues, etc. I feel like I'm reliving all of that again. Except, I'm really not. But I think last year was really traumatizing and I am terrified when I think about that. I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings, except feel them. Which is really hard right now. So, anyway I was telling my psychiatrist this and I felt the tears. And it was crazy because I've never cried in front of him before, not in my 6 years of seeing him. And I was like, "Oh shit" and he knew I was crying. It was just...interesting, but good I guess.
Anyway, so tomorrow I see my therapist. I can't wait to give her the CD I made her. I hope she likes it. And then I am supposed to have lunch with my second mom, although she hasn't texted me back to confirm it. And then I am meeting up with my friend Karen after that. It should be a good day.
Anyway, that's all for now.
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