Depressed

Today was a freaking awful day. I had therapy this morning and it sucked. I have been contemplating lately whether or not I should take a break from therapy. Because honestly right now it's just not doing much for me and I'm sick of talking about my feelings. So I made the decision today to take a break from therapy. I honestly felt SO much better after making that decision, which is weird. I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice, a week for the past 10 years of my life. The longest period of time I have gone without therapy is 3 months in those 10 years. I'm not saying that I am never going back to therapy. I think I still have a lot of work to do. But, right now I just need to step back and clear my head. My therapist seemed concerned, but said she put me down on her schedule for the week after next. I didn't say anything. I guess I will see how I feel next week without therapy and go from there. But as of right now, I am thinking of taking at least 3 weeks off. She says she thinks I need to be coming in every week right now.

I would love to be able to see my dietitian every week. I honestly have been finding our appointments SO helpful. I don't know why my dietitian sessions are helpful, and my therapy ones aren't. Maybe it doesn't matter. Or maybe it does? I don't know. The problem is I can't afford to see my dietitian once a week right now. So after our session next Friday, I am going to have to cut that back as well.

Last week someone asked me if I was depressed. I said absolutely not. Today I began to re-think that answer. And I have concluded that I know I am depressed. It's not debilitating. I still am able to function and go to work. But this depression is affecting my attitude, energy, patience level, and motivation, among other things. Obviously I know how to conquer this depression, but it's hard to remember what to do in the moment. Lately, I have had to have people remind me what to do. It's like I know somewhere in my head how to do this or what to do, but I don't automatically think of it. I tend to just stay stuck. That's so frustrating.

I got off work today and went to my parent's house. Which proved to be a bad choice. I felt annoyed and irritated and ignored. So I just left, without dinner and without talking to anyone really. I came home and attempted to hang out with my roommate, but my anxiety was at about a 9 1/2 at that point and I just needed to go to my room. I thought about reaching out to my therapist. But I couldn't because I felt like that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world....telling her a few hours earlier I didn't want/need therapy right now, and then reaching out for help a few hours later. It would have made me feel really stupid. So I didn't. Instead, I called my second mom and talked to her. She helped calm my anxiety, gave me an "assignment" to journal and eat something, and then call her back in an hour to check back in. It was accountability and that was freakin' awesome to have. She wants me to check back in with her tomorrow.

So, that's what's going on with me. It pretty much sucks. But I want to end on a good note and say that I talked to my favorite RR staff person today and she made me laugh and gave me some encouragement. And to hear her say (or rather read) that she believes I will get through this (after all she went through with me, seeing me through treatment two times)....just gave me so much strength. I wish I could have reached through the computer and given her a hug in that moment. 
And I've made it two days without purging. :)