A revelation and other things...

Tonight, I took the kids I nanny to diving practice. This is the same pool I coached at last summer, so I know a lot of the people there. I have known for years that my old therapist and her family belong there as well. And I even ran into her last summer. Tonight I ran into her again. I actually went up to her. I saw her as a therapist for 5 years and it was an intense and sometimes complicated and unhealthy relationship, and in the end I chose to leave her because things were too messy. But I hold no hard feelings against her. She saved my life in a lot of ways and saw me through the hellish years of high school. So, even though I get nervous when I see her, I never pass up an opportunity to go up and talk to her. And so that is what I did. She gave me a big hug and we talked for about 10 minutes. Just catching her up on where I am working these days, talking about our dogs, where I am living, and other gossip. At one point she said to me, "Well, you look wonderful!" To which I replied with, "Thank you! I have gained a lot of weight..." She said, "but you look healthy and happy".  To most people in recovery from an eating disorder, the word "healthy" is not a positive compliment. And usually I roll my eyes to myself when someone says that because I don't think they really mean that, blah blah blah. But when she said it to me, I felt that she meant it. I felt that she was happy for me. She also mentioned that it seemed like I was doing really well. The topic of my eating disorder and other related issues never came up, but perhaps what she was seeing was my "inner light", which so many people have told me over the past year that I have such a thing.  It motivated me to start doing better with life, with recovery. For so long I have wanted and tried to be sicker in order to gain attention and so-called praise. But tonight, something switched on (or off) in my brain. I realized how happy this person was for me. And she wasn't just some unimportant person in my life. She knew me like the back of her hand and knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. She was genuine in her compliments for me and it made me feel happy.

Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.

Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.

Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.