Stepping it up.

Things the past couple of days have been better. Well Friday was a complete disaster because I used ED behaviors, including purging. But yesterday and today had improvements. Today I actually ate like a normal person.  I had brunch, snacks, and dinner. I feel guilty because to me it felt like a binge. I guess deep down I know it wasn't a binge, but rather a normal amount. and it felt like a binge because it was the most I have eaten in a single day in about a month. Of course in my head I'm thinking, "oh my gosh I definitely just gained weight from eating that". Logically, we all know you can't gain actual body weight from one meal. But that fear was so real in my head. But I didn't even have an urge to purge. Which was actually nice for a change. Purging is so much more difficult than restricting because you have to plan around it. That it so stressful and exhausting in my opinion. I'm not sure what changed, if anything. I don't know if I'm more relaxed because it's the weekend, and once I go back to work tomorrow all the stress will come back.
I think since I have been restricting/purging so much, the urges to binge have increased. And I definitely have been bingeing and going through food at a not so normal pace. I feel really guilty and ashamed for that. And I know I know I need to eat more normally in order to prevent bingeing.
I'm having actual food cravings lately. It's scary. It makes me feel like I will be out of control if I just eat what I am hungry for. I think my hunger cues and thoughts about food and such are all over the place right now and it's kind of hard to distinguish what's coming from me or what's coming from my eating disorder.

I'm still set on taking a break from therapy. I think I made the right choice, even if my therapist doesn't. I trust myself that if I feel like I need to go back into therapy, then I will.

I've been thinking about Remuda a lot lately. NOT about going back, but just about my time there, especially the time I spent there last year. I am remembering things the staff said to me and things they helped me with. I have been going through my binders and my folders. I am just leaning on the strength I found when I was there and in the months after I came home. It's comforting. I made a playlist with all the songs we sang in chapel and all the songs we played in the lodge. I just find a lot of strength in remembering my time spent there, as well as a lot of hope. I need to remember why I don't want to go back there, but also remember what my time spent there gave me.

Well, I am trying to go to bed earlier these days. It's alright midnight and I've already taken my meds. So I should probably lay down and take it easy. I will update later on in the week.