Heavy

You probably saw the title of this post and thought it was going to be about body image and how I feel heavy. While I am struggling with that, this is not what this post is about.

I am talking about the heaviness I feel on my chest and my heart as a result of the depression I am dealing with. Depression is something I have struggled with for 13 years. It's not new, but it's starting to feel really old and I'm exhausted. I, on some level, always struggle with a mild form of depression, but there are times that I go through periods of pretty severe depression. When I feel in constant crisis mode, in a panic, being a step away from needing to be in the hospital. The thoughts of suicide are up and down. I don't have a plan to follow through on any of those thoughts. But it's scary none the less, feeling so miserable that I just want out.
I returned to therapy this week and it was honestly the best decision I have made in a long time. While I am still hesitant to be going every week, just because I am so scared of it making things worse, I am going to force myself to go. I had a REALLY hard session on Thursday. There was just so much to talk about and process. I didn't feel worse after the session, but I didn't feel better either. I think it brought up a ton of emotions, because the rest of the day I literally felt like I was going to fall apart. There was such a heaviness on my chest, the feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes and the tightness in my throat. It was horrible.

 By the end of the day I was so emotionally exhausted. I had a mild panic attack, mostly due to being so tired. So I just decided to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. I haven't gone to bed that early since Remuda. I slept a full 11 hours and thought I would wake up feeling better. I woke up still tired but with a somewhat clear mind. And then today when I getting ice cream with the kids I was babysitting, that panic, that heaviness on my chest all of a sudden came back. I have no idea what triggered it but it was awful. There was no escaping the situation I was in. I was taking care of 6 kids in a public place. I couldn't run off to the bathroom and take a breather, I couldn't step outside, I couldn't go get in my car and drive home. I texted a friend. I took some deep breaths. It eventually passed, not entirely, but enough to think clearly again. I got off work and just wanted to come home and cry in the shower, just sob my brains out. But I couldn't cry. THAT is not a good sign for me. Some of my lowest points with depression consisted of not being able to cry, so I would self-harm instead. That scares me. I want to cry because it does help me feel better. And especially right now when I feel SO overwhelmed with so many emotions. I started a new anti-depressant this week and I am hoping it will help with just everything.

My dog Sophie was diagnosed with cancer this week, stage 1. She is having a surgery to remove it on Tuesday and will be treated with a new vaccine for it. The vet says it's good they caught it early, that if they are able to treat it that she will be able to live a full life. If it is not able to be treated, she will be dead within a year.

I am looking forward to going to church on Sunday, with my neighbor and her friend, and going out to brunch afterwards. I have been praying so hard lately. Spirituality is so important to me.

I'm just dealing with a lot and don't even want to get into what is going on with my eating disorder. It's beyond frustrating and confusing. I am having a horrible time with my social life/friendships. That is definitely contributing to the depression.

I basically mindlessly rambled in this post and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it did help to type it all out.