I've been using the word "limbo" a lot to describe my state of mine lately. I really can't think of a better word. It's so black and white with me. Yes I want recovery! No I don't want to do this anymore! It's beyond frustrating. I have small, quick moments that are full of hope and positivity and self-belief. But they are few and far between. It's honestly exhausting and maddening to try and write or talk about what I feel. I can't form a complete sentence about it, which is why I am SO hesitant towards therapy. I'm afraid I won't make sense, and I'm afraid that this cycle of relapse/recovery will forever be one I struggle with.
My eating is becoming more and more normal. I have not purged in 6 days, tomorrow will be 1 week without it. I do feel a TON better physically. I was really damaging my body fast by the purging, and I just knew I couldn't keep up with my job if I was to continue to do that, so that's ultimately why I stopped. But I think about it every single day. And I WANT to do it, but I'm not. I'm eating more normally, like I said, but my thoughts are out of control. I hate that. I hate the extreme guilt and disgust, the feeling like I am doing something wrong by eating right. My body image is terrible. The amount of comparing I am doing to other people is ridiculous. I feel like everyone is thinner than I am. Even though I know it's not true, I sometimes believe that losing weight will make things so much better.
I went to church this morning. It was a church I haven't been to before. It reminded me SO much of the kind of church I went to in Remuda. The songs and sermons were so similar. I found myself in tears during one of the songs. I was crying out for help from God, for Him to heal my heart and my soul, to help me help myself. It was honestly a very moving and uplifting and clarifying experience. I am so glad I went and I am definitely going to go back next week.
I am returning to therapy this week and I am scared beyond words. I trust my therapist, I really do. But sometimes I am worried that I am not getting what I need out of therapy and I'm worried that if I voice that to my therapist that she is going to disagree. I'm just nervous and don't know what to expect but I guess all I can do is go and give it a try and see how it goes.
I haven't felt AS depressed this weekend, simply because it's the weekend and I don't have the added stress of work and other commitments. But it's definitely still lingering and I have that feeling of being trapped in my brain, in my thoughts, with escape feeling so far away. I don't want this whole borderline suicidal business to continue. I feel like an annoying, weak, pathetic person for struggling with this.
I guess I will see how this week goes, try and keep up the no more purging. And...no more self harm. Oh yeah, I self harmed the other night. Haven't told anyone about that. Because really...what are they going to say? I don't want to hear it. Anyway. That's all I got for now.
i can relate so much to your feeling of being in limbo. i can't think of any way to better describe where i'm at as well. caught inbetween relapse and recovery.
ReplyDeletei'm proud of you for continuing to try though, and for being willing to go back to therapy. i'm always afraid that the things i say to my therapist won't make sense/she won't agree, but i just try to remind myself that i'm not there to impress her and she won't be able to help me if i don't let go of the fear of her judging me.
lastly, i do not think you are at all weak or pathetic for struggling. struggling requires a lot of strength. i know i posted this on my blog awhile back, but just in case you didn't catch it, the actual defition of struggling is "to make forceful or violent efforts to become free of contrainst or restriction, to strive to achieve in the face of great difficulty." that doesn't sound weak or pathetic to me.
hang in there and keep fighting this. you can do it.
It will never be perfect. It is one of those things that I believe God places in our life or a reason. To cling to Him. I'm just speaking the truth that no be seems to say. Just because I'm not engaging in threatening behaviors doesn't mean I don't think and say things that are body downers. It's a constant journey of living a healthy lifestyle, not allowing the dark cloud to own your world.
ReplyDeleteI have to work to make health a priority such as working out and cooking healthfully or I will try to go back down that ugly road again. It's finding that balance of what works for you and sticking to it knowing thy if not you'll be right back at square one. I used to Compare my lifestyle to others and realized I am not like them. That's when my light bulb went off. You are you and there is no comparison!
Glad you liked your church!!