1 year.

Some people think anniversaries in ED recovery are silly. I like them
because I can look back and see how far I have come. With that said...

Today marks 1 year since I left Remuda Ranch and entered recovery.
I could write pages and pages about reaching 1 year in recovery.
There are so many feelings, thoughts, and revelations. But I want to
keep it short and simple. This year has truly been the best year of my
life, as well as the most challenging. Reaching such a huge milestone
for me is overwhelming. I am overcome with emotions of pride and
relief for being in such a positive and healthy place in my life. For
reaching a point in my life where I feel deserving of recovery. A year
and a half ago I did not think I would ever feel happy or hopeful
again. It's amazing that I have come this far and I really am proud of
myself. But I also feel like I am mourning who I have been for the
past 9 years of my life. I am mourning my eating disorder identity.
It's been tough. I still find myself holding on to it, to the belief I
have that my ED is my worth. But it's significant that I choose to
move forward and fight my ED. I spent 9 years of my life living in
eating disorder hell, but now I can say with certainty that I will
never go back to my ED.

Questions from Dawn :)

What is your greatest dream in life?

My greatest dream in life is to be a mom.

In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
I guess I'm a big family person, and the few friends that I do have are essentially like family to me, and I always wanted to hold family and friends really close to my heart. And I feel like I've done a great job of that.

In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
Well, I obviously never wanted to spend the past 12 years of my life in therapy, in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, and trying to kill myself. I don't think I ever expected that though, and I certainly didn't hope for it.

If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
Try to take good from every situation and experience in your life, no matter if that experience is good or bad. You can always learn something and gain strength and wisdom. Also, don't try to mold yourself into someone that society or anyone else tells you that you should be. You are unique and know yourself best, and don't ruin who you are at heart trying to be something you aren't meant to be.

What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
Favorite chore is laundry, there is something relaxing about it.
Least favorite chore is doing dishes.

What is your favorite recipe to make?
Nothing fancy. I love baking brownies and cupcakes.

Do you have a book (or a movie) that you could read/see many times over and still love?
Yes, plenty. Books would be Harry Potter. I think I have read the series at least 100 times. Not even kidding. Same thing with Prozac Nation.
There are too many movies to count.

Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
I think just people that have or are overcoming their own personal struggles, particularly eating disorders and sexual abuse. I find inspiration in them, and try to learn as much as I can from them so as to better myself and my healing. Those that standout the most are Kathleen MacDonald, my dietitian, my Remuda sisters, and my group leader.

What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here! no I'm this but...... comments!)
I am a great friend. I care about my friends more than myself and am always looking out for them and always tell them if I am concerned or worried about them.
I have a great deal of inner strength. People told me this for years and I didn't believe them for the longest time. But now I can see it. With all that I have been through in my life, I wouldn't have come this far without my own strength.
I have a great intuition. I sense things sooo easily and I truly think it makes me a better person.

What are you most thankful for in your life?
So much. But at this point in my life, I am most thankful for an AMAZING treatment team and support system. You cannot overcome an eating disorder on your own, and my treatment team has certainly played a huge part in my success.

What is the best advice you have ever received?
That recovery is a really difficult and at times frustrating and painful process, but no matter what, keep moving forward. There will be little setbacks, but you have the power to prevent it from becoming a relapse.

Keeps Getting Better

Well, I know I don't write on here very often. Honestly, my mind is so pre-occupied with working on moving forwards and bettering my life and my recovery, that this website sometimes tends to distract me from that. And so I tend to avoid Blogspot. But, I want to keep updating this blog as much as I can.

Things are looking up. I had a very rough Winter. I was scared I wouldn't be able to come out of the depression, and that I was relapsing. But, winter has finally lifted and I feel like I'm moving forwards again, and I'm not stuck anymore. Although, I still worry about going back to it.
Eating is going really, really well. I still have some fear and guilt surrounding food, but 9 times out of 10 I will eat what I am hungry for and not feel bad about it. I have not purged in 1 year and 1 month. But I do think about it, I do still get urges. The trick is learning to push through the urges and remind myself why I don't want to purge and how it will only make me feel 10x worse.

I struggle a lot with body image, especially now that the weather is warmer. I can't even think about wearing shorts right now. I probably don't even have any that fit anymore. My summer clothes from last summer are now too small. I had to buy new clothes when I came from treatment last year, and over the summer my body continued to gain weight. So now I need to buy even bigger clothes. It's really discouraging. I have the hardest time accepting my stomach. I just...can't even.

My oldest dog, Lucy, died last Friday. We had to put her down. She had throat cancer and couldn't eat, so she was starving to death. I cried about it for the first time last night. Sobbing my fucking eyes out. I really can't write much more about it. It's too difficult.

Really not much else going on.

Things are going pretty well.
1 year anniversary in recovery is next Saturday, the 31st. Can't believe it's been a year.

Stuck

I continue to feel stuck. I have good days and bad days. Which is what recovery is I guess. But it feels more discouraging then it did six months ago.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.

Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.

Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.

I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.

I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.

Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.

All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.

I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.

But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.

Complete Rambling

I guess the words to describe what I am feeling are...confused, frustrated, angry, depressed, and done. To me, it feels like I'm almost at a crossroads in my recovery. It's so tempting to go back to what is normal for me. It would be so easy, so familiar and comfortable. Yet, there is a part of me, this fairly new part of me, that for several months, actually imagined myself without an eating disorder. I could almost feel what it would feel like. It was very freeing, it was happy, it was something I thought I would never feel. That part of me is still there somewhere. I want to get back in touch with it. But I cannot find the motivation to find the motivation to do that (if that makes sense). It's a miserable feeling. I am terrified of never getting that motivation back. I'm used to not getting it back. I'm used to just existing and not living. What makes this time different?
The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to the Holly that I was right after Remuda. I don't want to relapse EVER again. I want this to be it.
What is making it so hard right now? I don't understand that. Am I not working hard enough? I feel like I have been working my butt off at recovery. I guess I need to try harder.
I'm almost at this point where I'm done. I want to turn my phone off. Stop communicating with my friends (who mean the world to me), stop talking to people, stop coming to therapy, etc.

But I just feel so...lost and incredibly frustrated and pissed off. For some reason I am angry at people who have completely recovered. It doesn't make sense to me. How does that work? I don't get how you can not have an ED at all anymore. It also makes me incredibly jealous and envious. And that something must be wrong with me that 9 years into my eating disorder, I still haven't managed to recover. It's scary and irritating.
My therapist and dietitian are absolutely wonderful and amazing people. I feel like they deserve so much more than what I am giving them. I wish I had the motivation to try harder. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm scared to let go completely of my ED. ED is my worth, the reason people care about me and love me, the reason I get attention and support. Without ED, I am nothing and I don't know who I would be. I guess recovery is a lot about figuring out who you are without ED. I'm having a hard time with that.
Motivation is something I don't have a lot of. I never really have, unless it came to sports. I could wake up at 5am every morning and do sports all day long and not give a second thought about it. I loved it more than anything. But school, recovery, work, my social life, or lack there of...I have a lack of motivation.

So...yeah. No one will probably comment on this. I'm not an inspiration anymore. I'm boring and typical. It's depressing and pathetic.

Surreal

This day has been so surreal. 1 year ago today I was admitted to Remuda Ranch East, here in Virginia. I spent the next 30 days at the ranch, and then transferred to Remuda Life Program in Arizona.

I remember one year ago today pretty clearly. I was still in the hospital, where I had been for the past 5 days, after almost attempting suicide. I found out on the 14th that I was going to be going to Remuda. My mom picked me up from the hospital at around 12pm. I remember walking outside the hospital and feeling the sunshine and the cold air on my face. It felt so good, after being in the hospital for nearly a week. My mom took me back to her her house, where I reunited with my dogs. My dad was on his way home with some subs from Subway. I took a long, hot shower and by the time I was done my dad was home. I barely ate my sub. Then my parents told me Remuda was expecting me by 2:30 or 3, so I drove back to my house and packed. It was weird, not having really any time to plan what I was going to pack. I basically put all of my winter clothes in my suitcase, and all the other essentials. Even though I was going to a treatment center, I still wanted to look my best. So I did my hair, and my make-up, and put on a cute outfit. I know that sounds crazy. Then, I loaded my two suitcases into my car and before I drove back over to my parent's house, I texted my therapist, who already knew what I was doing. But she gave me some last minute encouragement and said I could write her.
When I got to my parent's house, I put my stuff in my dad's car and we hit the road. I still remember sitting in the back seat, with my parents in the front. I looked out the window as we left town. I remember thinking that I couldn't believe I was going back to treatment. I had been wanting to go back for a few weeks, but didn't ever think my family could afford it.
On the way there, "M" called. He was my best friend at the time, my co-worker, my friend with benefits, whatever you want to call it. At the time, I didn't think it was an unhealthy relationship. I had a long conversation with him, which was awkward at times because my parents were in the front seat. My friend Karen also called, but I had put my phone on silent by then and missed her call, but listened to her voicemail once I realized she had called. I also texted all the trusted friends in my life and told them where I was going. I also had to call someone at my work to set up getting disability payments while I was away.
Remuda was about 1 hour away from my house, so we got there pretty quickly. I still remember the CD we listened to on the way there. As we got closer, I got more and more nervous, aware of the task that was in front of me. I knew it would be one of the hardest things I would ever do, but I also knew it was completely necessary.
We arrived at Remuda, which looks so beautiful when you are driving down the long driveway. I saw the horses out in the field and the "Expect A Miracle" sign that was right near the entrance.
We pulled up and went inside where an admissions rep welcomed us. The next half hour or so was full of going over and signing paper work. Then I said goodbye to my parents.
One of the BHT's came up and took me down to the lodge where I would be staying. I remember walking in and seeing all the other women, and being introduced to them. I did a bunch of paperwork, and met the other new girl that came that day, Ashley. She was my admit buddy, my roommate, my family week buddy, and my discharge buddy. Needless to say, we formed a special bond. I had another BHT show me my room and help me unpack. I got the standard EKG, blood work, weight, height, blood pressure, pulse, and other medical work-up done.
The rest of the day is kind of a blur. I vaguely remember dinner. I surprised myself with how much I ate. That's about all I remember from that day, though.

The next several weeks were extremely challenging, but also rewarding, and at times fun. Like I said, I can't believe it's been a whole year. I feel like relived all of it today. It felt so strange, and almost nostalgic in a way.
It's also crazy to think of how far I have come since then, leaps and bounds.

What an awesome journey it has been so far.

Today marks...

Today marks 1 year without purging!

It's hard to believe, but I'm SO glad it's true! This is the longest I have gone in 5 years!

Look out tomorrow for another blog post about another meaningful milestone!