Bad night

I am having a horrible night.

I am really depressed. I think my OCD is popping up too. I really want to clean the entire house top to bottom but I feel like that would make me feel worse because I would get exhausted and just get frustrated because I couldn't do it good enough.

I have tried things tonight to feel better. I took a bubble bath. I felt okay for a little bit. But then I got depressed again. I put on my favorite show, but it didn't make me laugh like it usually does. I tried to text my therapist and one of my friends, but it's late so I'm guess they didn't answer because they are asleep.

All I can think of doing is self-harming.
I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't try and kill myself, but in moments like these, death seems so much better. I hope I don't scare people by saying that. But it's just these moments get me down SO much.

Self-harming would not solve anything. Maybe I would feel better for an hour, but after that I would just feel worse.

I want to cry. But I feel like that's all I've done the past couple of days. I'm just so sick of it.

Everything feels wrong and out of place and I want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs.

I went to a surprise birthday party tonight. It was pretty miserable. I barely ate anything, which means I didn't have dinner tonight. I feel awful about that. I was not hungry. And I'm still not hungry.

My head is pounding. Probably because I have allergies and I haven't eaten that great today.

I hope this weekend that I can start to feel better.

I'm so sick of this shit.