I am having a horrible night.
I am really depressed. I think my OCD is popping up too. I really want to clean the entire house top to bottom but I feel like that would make me feel worse because I would get exhausted and just get frustrated because I couldn't do it good enough.
I have tried things tonight to feel better. I took a bubble bath. I felt okay for a little bit. But then I got depressed again. I put on my favorite show, but it didn't make me laugh like it usually does. I tried to text my therapist and one of my friends, but it's late so I'm guess they didn't answer because they are asleep.
All I can think of doing is self-harming.
I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't try and kill myself, but in moments like these, death seems so much better. I hope I don't scare people by saying that. But it's just these moments get me down SO much.
Self-harming would not solve anything. Maybe I would feel better for an hour, but after that I would just feel worse.
I want to cry. But I feel like that's all I've done the past couple of days. I'm just so sick of it.
Everything feels wrong and out of place and I want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs.
I went to a surprise birthday party tonight. It was pretty miserable. I barely ate anything, which means I didn't have dinner tonight. I feel awful about that. I was not hungry. And I'm still not hungry.
My head is pounding. Probably because I have allergies and I haven't eaten that great today.
I hope this weekend that I can start to feel better.
I'm so sick of this shit.
Showing posts with label OCD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OCD. Show all posts
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I can't think of a good title
Well, it's Sunday night, and tomorrow starts another busy work week, which is also going to be filled with appointments and such. My week was really great though. Saturday I picked up Mrs.Robson (who I call my second mom) and we went by her office (my old school) and picked up the art piece I had made for her a couple months back. She had it framed and wanted to find a big enough frame holder to put it in. So we went to an arts and crafts store and picked one out. Then we went to lunch at Cafe Caturra, which is sort of like Panera, but way better and way nicer. We talked for about and hour and then her husband picked her up. It was SO good to see her and SO good to talk to her (as it always is). I love how we have kept in touch since I graduated high school four years ago. We decided that we should get together for lunch whenever possible, which will probably be every weekend or so.
After lunch, I went across the street and went shopping at the big mall. My dad gave me his credit card to use, since I basically have to buy a whole new wardrobe. I have one pair of pants that fit. The rest I can't get past my thighs. So, I bought another pair of jeans and a pair of khakis, both of which have to be altered because they are too long. Then I went to H&M and bought some really cute tops. When I was finished there I went to our other mall and bought some more tops at Forever 21. It sucks that I'm not an extra small anymore, and sometimes not even a small. But, I feel much better wearing clothing that fits, and isn't too tight.
After I finished shopping, I was super tired and my feet and my knees were killing me, and I had a huge headache. Since my Mom is out of town, my Dad took me to dinner at P.F. Changs. I love that restaurant and so that was fun. Except, we sat at the bar and ate and the bartender reminded me so much of my ex, and that was bothering me.
I was in so much pain throughout and after dinner. Over the past couple of months I have been having a lot of knee pain. It's a deep aching pain that gets worse after I get up from sitting, after I exercise, and when I bend my knees. I had to ice my knees last night and take Advil because they hurt so bad. If it doesn't get better, I will go to the doctor.
Today I slept in until 12pm, which was nice. I got up and watched a bunch of the 9/11 anniversary coverage, which is so, so sad and overwhelming. And then it was my turn to cut the grass so I did that. I about died. It was so freaking hot, and I just got tired really easily. I took a cold shower after that. I just got home from dinner with my dad, my sister, and her boyfriend.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my dietitian. I am excited to see her, since I saw neither my therapist or my dietitian last week. Like our last appointment, I don't want to know anything about my weight, even though ED wants to know what it is. I also went a teeny bit overboard with exercising last week, but not too bad, and I haven't done it since. But it will be good just to see her, talk to her, and of course get a hug from her. She gives the best hugs ever!
Then after that, I go to work at 11 and work until 5:30 pm. And then at 7pm I start a new support group. I am excited, but also very anxious for that. I don't know anyone in the group except the woman leading it. I get so nervous in new, social situations. So I know I am going to be a mess before and during it.
Not much else going on...just been a little bit more depressed lately. OCD stuff has not been as bad this week, which has been nice. I am really looking to therapy on Thursday, because I have so much going through my head lately. Blahh.
Anyway, that's about it. I will update later on in the week.
After lunch, I went across the street and went shopping at the big mall. My dad gave me his credit card to use, since I basically have to buy a whole new wardrobe. I have one pair of pants that fit. The rest I can't get past my thighs. So, I bought another pair of jeans and a pair of khakis, both of which have to be altered because they are too long. Then I went to H&M and bought some really cute tops. When I was finished there I went to our other mall and bought some more tops at Forever 21. It sucks that I'm not an extra small anymore, and sometimes not even a small. But, I feel much better wearing clothing that fits, and isn't too tight.
After I finished shopping, I was super tired and my feet and my knees were killing me, and I had a huge headache. Since my Mom is out of town, my Dad took me to dinner at P.F. Changs. I love that restaurant and so that was fun. Except, we sat at the bar and ate and the bartender reminded me so much of my ex, and that was bothering me.
I was in so much pain throughout and after dinner. Over the past couple of months I have been having a lot of knee pain. It's a deep aching pain that gets worse after I get up from sitting, after I exercise, and when I bend my knees. I had to ice my knees last night and take Advil because they hurt so bad. If it doesn't get better, I will go to the doctor.
Today I slept in until 12pm, which was nice. I got up and watched a bunch of the 9/11 anniversary coverage, which is so, so sad and overwhelming. And then it was my turn to cut the grass so I did that. I about died. It was so freaking hot, and I just got tired really easily. I took a cold shower after that. I just got home from dinner with my dad, my sister, and her boyfriend.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my dietitian. I am excited to see her, since I saw neither my therapist or my dietitian last week. Like our last appointment, I don't want to know anything about my weight, even though ED wants to know what it is. I also went a teeny bit overboard with exercising last week, but not too bad, and I haven't done it since. But it will be good just to see her, talk to her, and of course get a hug from her. She gives the best hugs ever!
Then after that, I go to work at 11 and work until 5:30 pm. And then at 7pm I start a new support group. I am excited, but also very anxious for that. I don't know anyone in the group except the woman leading it. I get so nervous in new, social situations. So I know I am going to be a mess before and during it.
Not much else going on...just been a little bit more depressed lately. OCD stuff has not been as bad this week, which has been nice. I am really looking to therapy on Thursday, because I have so much going through my head lately. Blahh.
Anyway, that's about it. I will update later on in the week.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
new schedule and such
Rainy weather usually relaxes me, helps me sleep better, puts me in a pretty good mood. But these past few days have been pretty much non stop rain and I have been a hot mess. I started my new job and am working full time now. This new schedule is wearing me out. My feet and my knees are killing me, and I am just exhausted by 6pm every day. I thought that being busy would lessen my obsessive thoughts, but sometimes it seems to have gotten worse. I cried getting dressed this morning and driving to work. Cried. I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable in every thing I put on. I now only have one pair of pants that fit me, which are the new jeans I bought 2 months ago. None of my jeans or cords from last fall/winter will go past my knees. My shirts have also gotten to the point where they are too tight. It's really miserable. I mean, I just have so much inner turmoil going on. Nothing I wear is comfortable or feels good. I told my Mom about all of this today and she is going to take me shopping this weekend. Thank God. I feel like if I at least have clothing that I feel comfortable in, and that I think looks good on me, then my mood will improve a little bit.
I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.
I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.
Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.
I'll update after the weekend probably.
I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.
I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.
Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.
I'll update after the weekend probably.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
depressing ramblings
I am all out of sorts. My brain feels all mushy. Nothing feels right. My hair is wrong, my clothes are wrong, my make-up is wrong, etc. Everything just feels so off. I know a lot of this is my OCD. And I was hoping that now that my days are going to be filled with work, I would not concentrate on my body and all my little obsessions so much. And, yes...today was better than it has been. But at night time is when it is the worst. I suppose that is why I have been taking naps at night. Falling asleep at 8ish and waking up at 11. And then going back to sleep an hour later. I just want to avoid my feelings and my obsessive thoughts and compulsions. My therapist says when I have the urges to do compulsions, the best thing to do is NOT do them. It is so hard! When your brain is screaming do this or do that, you have to just sit there and let it pass. And it does eventually, but it sucks.
The more I go out in public, the fatter I feel. Every girl that passes by is smaller than me. I look at them and think, "I used to look like that". Now I am normal and filled out. I am not wanting to be emaciated again and underweight like I was before. I want my toned, athletic body back. And that has me really motivated to keep up a strict workout regiment, without going overboard of course. Okay, enough fat talk.
I also feel this sense of...loneliness and sadness. Almost like I want to be nurtured and taken care of. I don't get why these feelings pop out of nowhere.
I feel guilty for writing such a depressing blog post. But I really needed to vent my feelings, get them off my chest.
Okay, time for bed. New day tomorrow.
The more I go out in public, the fatter I feel. Every girl that passes by is smaller than me. I look at them and think, "I used to look like that". Now I am normal and filled out. I am not wanting to be emaciated again and underweight like I was before. I want my toned, athletic body back. And that has me really motivated to keep up a strict workout regiment, without going overboard of course. Okay, enough fat talk.
I also feel this sense of...loneliness and sadness. Almost like I want to be nurtured and taken care of. I don't get why these feelings pop out of nowhere.
I feel guilty for writing such a depressing blog post. But I really needed to vent my feelings, get them off my chest.
Okay, time for bed. New day tomorrow.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
fabulous weekend
What a great weekend I had to turn around such a horrific week. I took the train up to Maryland to visit my friend Erin. I got there around 1pm and we went downtown with her mom to get some lunch at a really cool restaurant called The Tasting Room. I had a cheeseburger, and it made me really full, but I felt like I did a pretty good job with it. After that we walked around downtown a little more. It was a very cool place, with lots of neat shops and restaurants. After that, we went back to her house and hung out until it was time for dinner. We went downtown at a great Mexican place called La Paz. While we were waiting for a table, Erin and I had spontaneously decided to walk down the street and get a piercing. We both got our tragus pierced. I have wanted this piercing for a few months, and I am so glad I got it. I didn't think it was going to hurt that bad because my cartilage piercing didn't hurt a bit, and neither did my tattoo. And I normally have a very high pain tolerance from being beat up in sports all my life. But dear lord, this hurt like a bitch. I think what made it worse was that I tensed up. It was throbbing all throughout dinner and I thought I was going to be a sick, but after a couple hours the pain went away and it feels fine now.
After dinner, Erin and I headed to the hookah bar where we stayed until about 1am. That was really fun, even though we sat with some questionable people, and I almost got kidnapped and murdered by this random 40 year old (okay, not really). But it was pretty sketchy. We even saw a fist fight outside and the cops showed up. Too bad we couldn't have seen more action since we were inside the hookah bar when it was happening. I started getting really tired around 12am, but stuck it out because I really was having a good time. We went back to her house and watched Chelsea Lately, and I fell asleep around 3am. Erin woke me up around 10am, and she and her Mom made breakfast. It was really good and I was really proud of myself for listening to my hunger cues and eating it! After breakfast, I showered and we went to the puppy store at the mall and played with this really cute, soft, but hyper puppy. We also went downtown again and stopped in at this cool store that had lots of neat stuff. By the time we got back to her house and had lunch, it was time for me to leave to take the train back home. The train right back wasn't too bad because I had no one sitting next to me and the car I was in was quiet. But I was freezing, and they kept blowing the damn horn every 2 minutes. Do you really need to blow the horn when you are in the middle of nowhere?
Anyway, it feels good to be back home, but I am getting increasingly nervous about starting my new job and and stress that I will be taking on. My anxiety has been coming out in pretty irritating ways. I am obsessed over my body. I find no satisfaction with what I look like what-so-ever. I cannot even describe how huge my stomach is. I want to cry thinking about it. My OCD has reared it's ugly head and it's really miserable. My psychiatrist increased my Prozac, and gave me the lowest dose of Xanax for situations when I really need it.
I can't think too much about the thoughts and obsessions swirling in my head or else my heart beats rapidly and I start having self-harm urges and my eyes fill with tears. Because of my new schedule starting this week, and my therapist's kids starting back at school as well, we do not have time to have a session this week. This makes me even more nervous. I know I can call her though.
Bahhhh, anyway. I need to relax and get in my bed and just chill.
After dinner, Erin and I headed to the hookah bar where we stayed until about 1am. That was really fun, even though we sat with some questionable people, and I almost got kidnapped and murdered by this random 40 year old (okay, not really). But it was pretty sketchy. We even saw a fist fight outside and the cops showed up. Too bad we couldn't have seen more action since we were inside the hookah bar when it was happening. I started getting really tired around 12am, but stuck it out because I really was having a good time. We went back to her house and watched Chelsea Lately, and I fell asleep around 3am. Erin woke me up around 10am, and she and her Mom made breakfast. It was really good and I was really proud of myself for listening to my hunger cues and eating it! After breakfast, I showered and we went to the puppy store at the mall and played with this really cute, soft, but hyper puppy. We also went downtown again and stopped in at this cool store that had lots of neat stuff. By the time we got back to her house and had lunch, it was time for me to leave to take the train back home. The train right back wasn't too bad because I had no one sitting next to me and the car I was in was quiet. But I was freezing, and they kept blowing the damn horn every 2 minutes. Do you really need to blow the horn when you are in the middle of nowhere?
Anyway, it feels good to be back home, but I am getting increasingly nervous about starting my new job and and stress that I will be taking on. My anxiety has been coming out in pretty irritating ways. I am obsessed over my body. I find no satisfaction with what I look like what-so-ever. I cannot even describe how huge my stomach is. I want to cry thinking about it. My OCD has reared it's ugly head and it's really miserable. My psychiatrist increased my Prozac, and gave me the lowest dose of Xanax for situations when I really need it.
I can't think too much about the thoughts and obsessions swirling in my head or else my heart beats rapidly and I start having self-harm urges and my eyes fill with tears. Because of my new schedule starting this week, and my therapist's kids starting back at school as well, we do not have time to have a session this week. This makes me even more nervous. I know I can call her though.
Bahhhh, anyway. I need to relax and get in my bed and just chill.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Random thoughts
I am too lazy to put the thoughts in my head into an organized paragraph. So I'm going to just do bullet points.
- 4 days until my friend Erin comes to Richmond, and 5 days until we leave for the beach for 8 days.
- 1 week until my 23rd birthday (fuck I feel old)
- I got the iPod touch for my birthday. It's pretty sweet. I wanted an iPhone, but I will settle for this for now.
- This week is super busy. Tomorrow I have...2 practices and then a dietitian appointment. Tuesday I have a dive meet all day and then group at night. Wednesday I am getting a massage in the morning, and then practice and then therapy, and then possible practice again. But after that, I am done with my coaching job for the summer and Erin gets here Thursday!
- It seems I am having an OCD flare-up and I am not liking it one bit. I really feel like I am going crazy. I will email my psychiatrist tomorrow to see what medications need to be adjusted, if any. Because I cannot deal with these obsessive thoughts any longer.
- Country music is awesome.
- My scar on my chest from my cancerous mole removal is slowly fading, although it's still pretty nasty looking. I'm glad I got it removed though, since it turned out it had cancer in it. When I get back from the beach I have to have two more moles on my foot removed.
- Here is what I am looking forward to the most at the beach:
--- walking on the dock. eating at the steam bar on the marina. the sound of waves crashing. walking on the beach at night. blasting country music the whole time. reading as many books as possible. watching my dogs run and swim on the beach. shopping at the boutiques. perfect beach weather. getting a really nice tan. relaxing. not having to work and worrying about weigh ins and the stuff I am dealing with in therapy. climbing the lighthouse. getting to share the beach with my best friend. escaping. riding around in golf carts. chasing down cute boys. going to the alligator look-out. surfing. playing bananagrams. paddle-boarding. sitting poolside with a tropical drink. spending my birthday at the beach.
- 4 days until my friend Erin comes to Richmond, and 5 days until we leave for the beach for 8 days.
- 1 week until my 23rd birthday (fuck I feel old)
- I got the iPod touch for my birthday. It's pretty sweet. I wanted an iPhone, but I will settle for this for now.
- This week is super busy. Tomorrow I have...2 practices and then a dietitian appointment. Tuesday I have a dive meet all day and then group at night. Wednesday I am getting a massage in the morning, and then practice and then therapy, and then possible practice again. But after that, I am done with my coaching job for the summer and Erin gets here Thursday!
- It seems I am having an OCD flare-up and I am not liking it one bit. I really feel like I am going crazy. I will email my psychiatrist tomorrow to see what medications need to be adjusted, if any. Because I cannot deal with these obsessive thoughts any longer.
- Country music is awesome.
- My scar on my chest from my cancerous mole removal is slowly fading, although it's still pretty nasty looking. I'm glad I got it removed though, since it turned out it had cancer in it. When I get back from the beach I have to have two more moles on my foot removed.
- Here is what I am looking forward to the most at the beach:
--- walking on the dock. eating at the steam bar on the marina. the sound of waves crashing. walking on the beach at night. blasting country music the whole time. reading as many books as possible. watching my dogs run and swim on the beach. shopping at the boutiques. perfect beach weather. getting a really nice tan. relaxing. not having to work and worrying about weigh ins and the stuff I am dealing with in therapy. climbing the lighthouse. getting to share the beach with my best friend. escaping. riding around in golf carts. chasing down cute boys. going to the alligator look-out. surfing. playing bananagrams. paddle-boarding. sitting poolside with a tropical drink. spending my birthday at the beach.
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