I don't want an eating disorder anymore

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to keep trying and trying to recover, only to fail and continually fall back into old patterns and behaviors. I have been battling this for nine long years. And until last year, I really didn't ever want to get better or recover. But now I do. And now, almost at my one year anniversary in recovery, I feel like I'm losing all of the progress I have made. I don't want know happened. Nothing particularly horrible or traumatic occurred. I just seemed to lose my drive and my motivation.
It's scary because as much as I don't want my eating disorder, part of me doesn't really care. I could relapse with purging, lose all the weight I have gained, and somehow my brain thinks I would be happy doing that. Of course that is the biggest lie ever. When I compare myself to this time last year, I was basically dead. I had no quality of life. But I guess that's just ED telling me that he knows what's best for me, trying to kill me and ruin my life once again.
My hope is not completely lost, and I have not "relapsed". I guess that's what I need to be holding onto right now. "Stay with recovery, you have come so far" is what my therapist said to me this week. She's right, I have come so far. Farther than I ever thought possible. So what's with this sudden desire to go running back to misery?
I have started questioning again if full recovery is possible for me. I know so many people who have recovered. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me. How did they do that? I know recovery is process, I know it's something that takes years. I am willing to be patient and go through that process. But I just feel like, maybe it's not meant for me.
I have the skills, I have the tools, I have the support. Ultimately, the desire to get better, the motivation, has to come from me. I realize that I too often lean on outside support to get me through times of trouble or chaos. I need to look within.
Maybe I need to try harder at everything.
What I do know is that I am a fighter. I do not give up. I will keep at recovery.
I want someone to tell me...okay this is what you need to do, so do it. I feel like my dietitian has helped me with that, and so has my therapist. But I want it on paper, to look at and remind myself of everyday.
I don't know.