Surreal

This day has been so surreal. 1 year ago today I was admitted to Remuda Ranch East, here in Virginia. I spent the next 30 days at the ranch, and then transferred to Remuda Life Program in Arizona.

I remember one year ago today pretty clearly. I was still in the hospital, where I had been for the past 5 days, after almost attempting suicide. I found out on the 14th that I was going to be going to Remuda. My mom picked me up from the hospital at around 12pm. I remember walking outside the hospital and feeling the sunshine and the cold air on my face. It felt so good, after being in the hospital for nearly a week. My mom took me back to her her house, where I reunited with my dogs. My dad was on his way home with some subs from Subway. I took a long, hot shower and by the time I was done my dad was home. I barely ate my sub. Then my parents told me Remuda was expecting me by 2:30 or 3, so I drove back to my house and packed. It was weird, not having really any time to plan what I was going to pack. I basically put all of my winter clothes in my suitcase, and all the other essentials. Even though I was going to a treatment center, I still wanted to look my best. So I did my hair, and my make-up, and put on a cute outfit. I know that sounds crazy. Then, I loaded my two suitcases into my car and before I drove back over to my parent's house, I texted my therapist, who already knew what I was doing. But she gave me some last minute encouragement and said I could write her.
When I got to my parent's house, I put my stuff in my dad's car and we hit the road. I still remember sitting in the back seat, with my parents in the front. I looked out the window as we left town. I remember thinking that I couldn't believe I was going back to treatment. I had been wanting to go back for a few weeks, but didn't ever think my family could afford it.
On the way there, "M" called. He was my best friend at the time, my co-worker, my friend with benefits, whatever you want to call it. At the time, I didn't think it was an unhealthy relationship. I had a long conversation with him, which was awkward at times because my parents were in the front seat. My friend Karen also called, but I had put my phone on silent by then and missed her call, but listened to her voicemail once I realized she had called. I also texted all the trusted friends in my life and told them where I was going. I also had to call someone at my work to set up getting disability payments while I was away.
Remuda was about 1 hour away from my house, so we got there pretty quickly. I still remember the CD we listened to on the way there. As we got closer, I got more and more nervous, aware of the task that was in front of me. I knew it would be one of the hardest things I would ever do, but I also knew it was completely necessary.
We arrived at Remuda, which looks so beautiful when you are driving down the long driveway. I saw the horses out in the field and the "Expect A Miracle" sign that was right near the entrance.
We pulled up and went inside where an admissions rep welcomed us. The next half hour or so was full of going over and signing paper work. Then I said goodbye to my parents.
One of the BHT's came up and took me down to the lodge where I would be staying. I remember walking in and seeing all the other women, and being introduced to them. I did a bunch of paperwork, and met the other new girl that came that day, Ashley. She was my admit buddy, my roommate, my family week buddy, and my discharge buddy. Needless to say, we formed a special bond. I had another BHT show me my room and help me unpack. I got the standard EKG, blood work, weight, height, blood pressure, pulse, and other medical work-up done.
The rest of the day is kind of a blur. I vaguely remember dinner. I surprised myself with how much I ate. That's about all I remember from that day, though.

The next several weeks were extremely challenging, but also rewarding, and at times fun. Like I said, I can't believe it's been a whole year. I feel like relived all of it today. It felt so strange, and almost nostalgic in a way.
It's also crazy to think of how far I have come since then, leaps and bounds.

What an awesome journey it has been so far.