Stepping it up.

I saw my dietitian tonight. Well, let's just say it didn't go as I expected it to. That doesn't mean it was bad though. In fact, it was probably the best session I have had with her in a while. We covered a lot of ground, and I left feeling like we talked about everything I needed/wanted to.
I have been mainly struggling with depression, as well as increasing anxiety. But in my mind I felt like I was doing "fine" with food. But when she asked me tonight if things were going well with food, I just sort of spit out "No, not really." And then I proceeded to tell her what my food intake has been like. Of course she was concerned and asked if I thought it would help if she put together a plan. So, she basically put together a plan similar to the one Remuda Ranch gave me. That freaked me out because, that just feels like so much food to me. She reassured me that it's not. I then asked if this plan would make me gain weight, she said no. She wrote down the plan and then made copies of it so I could check each meal off, or not check it off every day. She wants me to come back in a week and see how the plan worked.
So, I don't know. I guess I was just kind of surprised because I didn't realize how off track I was. I guess I really need to start stepping it up. I don't want to relapse. Please God, I don't want to relapse. So how come when I was driving home tonight did I feel like I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the arms of my eating disorder and not hold on to recovery? What is going on with me?

I am leaning pretty heavily on support from my treatment team and supportive people in my life. Although I have found myself not talking to my friends from treatment. I guess I just feel embarrassed. I don't want to worry them, or burden them. I know some of them are having struggles of their own, and I don't want to make it any worse. I know we have a sisterhood, a bond that I have never known before, but my ED wants me for his own and is pulling me away from them. I feel terrible about that.

I'm also leaning pretty heavily on prayer. I just know God will see me through this. I know He will help me find my way out of this. I know He is going to make me stronger and braver.

Anyway, I have therapy in the morning. I feel like I could talk for hours and hours about everything. I hope I leave feeling somewhat better, and not worse.

Hopefully things will turn around soon.