some things better, some things worse

This will be brief.

Food stuff is getting better. Not sure where my weight is, but probably not where it need to be. I've lost 10lbs since May. My appetite is back, and I have cravings. But my anxiety still prevents me from being able to eat when I want to and when I need to. That sounds like an excuse, which it's not. It's just...pretty bad with the anxiety right now so...eating is difficult. My dietitian isn't too happy about that.
Still haven't purged since I've been out of the hospital, so like...over a month I guess?

Therapy is hard and scary as SHIT. Doing a TON of trauma work. I know it's good for me, but I feel like a little kid again and I'm on edge with just about everything. Triggers all day long, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. I still have had no means of release of the emotions, the sadness and the grief. I am beginning to cry a little, but it's still stuffed way, way down in there. Luckily, my therapist is AH-mazing, and is being really great throughout all of this. She's seriously doing some serious saving right now.

I opened up to the mom I babysit for...about pretty much everything. She's been super supportive and super caring. I still can't believe how much I told her, but she's been awesome about it. She's invited me over for dinner a few days this week and to just hang out so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Caroline's 13th birthday and they celebrated tonight at PF Changs for dinner, and invited me to go with them. It was a lot of fun, and good to be around people who consider me part of their family.

I have been having a ton of sleep issues. I can't fall asleep at night, so I increase my sleep meds, but then I end up oversleeping or falling asleep at work. I don't mean a light nap, I am being completely knocked out. It sucks and I hated being tired all of the time. If I try and cut back on my sleep medication, then I can't fall asleep. It's a no win situation. My psychiatrist is out of town, which blows.

My shoulder is doing better. I don't need surgery. I no longer have to wear a sling. I have to start physical therapy, because I have very little strength and range of motion in my left arm/shoulder now. And I have to take a prescription anti-inflammatory. PT is such a pain in the ass.

That's about it. I'm getting by, but it's on a day to day basis. I can't look forward to a week from now or else I will have a panic attack.

So basically...

There is a lot of shit going on with me right now. I haven't been blogging because honestly it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about. I have had new trauma memories re-surface and all I want to say about that is that I am a huge mess right now and it's freaking me out.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments.  I'm tired.