More Progress to be Made

I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.

But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".

My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.

I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.