I think it's the worst it's ever been. It shouldn't be though. I really have a lot of good going on in my life. I started a new job as a gymnastics coach, and I've really clicked with the other coaches, and one of my former teammates works there as well. I have gotten really close to my friends at my hostessing job, who have also really had my back when it comes to a situation with another co-worker who has been a total bitch to me for no reason.
I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.
I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.
I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.
I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
More Progress to be Made
I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
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