I think it's the worst it's ever been. It shouldn't be though. I really have a lot of good going on in my life. I started a new job as a gymnastics coach, and I've really clicked with the other coaches, and one of my former teammates works there as well. I have gotten really close to my friends at my hostessing job, who have also really had my back when it comes to a situation with another co-worker who has been a total bitch to me for no reason.
I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.
I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.
I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.
I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Friday, May 25, 2012
Heavy
You probably saw the title of this post and thought it was going to be about body image and how I feel heavy. While I am struggling with that, this is not what this post is about.
I am talking about the heaviness I feel on my chest and my heart as a result of the depression I am dealing with. Depression is something I have struggled with for 13 years. It's not new, but it's starting to feel really old and I'm exhausted. I, on some level, always struggle with a mild form of depression, but there are times that I go through periods of pretty severe depression. When I feel in constant crisis mode, in a panic, being a step away from needing to be in the hospital. The thoughts of suicide are up and down. I don't have a plan to follow through on any of those thoughts. But it's scary none the less, feeling so miserable that I just want out.
I returned to therapy this week and it was honestly the best decision I have made in a long time. While I am still hesitant to be going every week, just because I am so scared of it making things worse, I am going to force myself to go. I had a REALLY hard session on Thursday. There was just so much to talk about and process. I didn't feel worse after the session, but I didn't feel better either. I think it brought up a ton of emotions, because the rest of the day I literally felt like I was going to fall apart. There was such a heaviness on my chest, the feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes and the tightness in my throat. It was horrible.
By the end of the day I was so emotionally exhausted. I had a mild panic attack, mostly due to being so tired. So I just decided to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. I haven't gone to bed that early since Remuda. I slept a full 11 hours and thought I would wake up feeling better. I woke up still tired but with a somewhat clear mind. And then today when I getting ice cream with the kids I was babysitting, that panic, that heaviness on my chest all of a sudden came back. I have no idea what triggered it but it was awful. There was no escaping the situation I was in. I was taking care of 6 kids in a public place. I couldn't run off to the bathroom and take a breather, I couldn't step outside, I couldn't go get in my car and drive home. I texted a friend. I took some deep breaths. It eventually passed, not entirely, but enough to think clearly again. I got off work and just wanted to come home and cry in the shower, just sob my brains out. But I couldn't cry. THAT is not a good sign for me. Some of my lowest points with depression consisted of not being able to cry, so I would self-harm instead. That scares me. I want to cry because it does help me feel better. And especially right now when I feel SO overwhelmed with so many emotions. I started a new anti-depressant this week and I am hoping it will help with just everything.
My dog Sophie was diagnosed with cancer this week, stage 1. She is having a surgery to remove it on Tuesday and will be treated with a new vaccine for it. The vet says it's good they caught it early, that if they are able to treat it that she will be able to live a full life. If it is not able to be treated, she will be dead within a year.
I am looking forward to going to church on Sunday, with my neighbor and her friend, and going out to brunch afterwards. I have been praying so hard lately. Spirituality is so important to me.
I'm just dealing with a lot and don't even want to get into what is going on with my eating disorder. It's beyond frustrating and confusing. I am having a horrible time with my social life/friendships. That is definitely contributing to the depression.
I basically mindlessly rambled in this post and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it did help to type it all out.
I am talking about the heaviness I feel on my chest and my heart as a result of the depression I am dealing with. Depression is something I have struggled with for 13 years. It's not new, but it's starting to feel really old and I'm exhausted. I, on some level, always struggle with a mild form of depression, but there are times that I go through periods of pretty severe depression. When I feel in constant crisis mode, in a panic, being a step away from needing to be in the hospital. The thoughts of suicide are up and down. I don't have a plan to follow through on any of those thoughts. But it's scary none the less, feeling so miserable that I just want out.
I returned to therapy this week and it was honestly the best decision I have made in a long time. While I am still hesitant to be going every week, just because I am so scared of it making things worse, I am going to force myself to go. I had a REALLY hard session on Thursday. There was just so much to talk about and process. I didn't feel worse after the session, but I didn't feel better either. I think it brought up a ton of emotions, because the rest of the day I literally felt like I was going to fall apart. There was such a heaviness on my chest, the feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes and the tightness in my throat. It was horrible.
By the end of the day I was so emotionally exhausted. I had a mild panic attack, mostly due to being so tired. So I just decided to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. I haven't gone to bed that early since Remuda. I slept a full 11 hours and thought I would wake up feeling better. I woke up still tired but with a somewhat clear mind. And then today when I getting ice cream with the kids I was babysitting, that panic, that heaviness on my chest all of a sudden came back. I have no idea what triggered it but it was awful. There was no escaping the situation I was in. I was taking care of 6 kids in a public place. I couldn't run off to the bathroom and take a breather, I couldn't step outside, I couldn't go get in my car and drive home. I texted a friend. I took some deep breaths. It eventually passed, not entirely, but enough to think clearly again. I got off work and just wanted to come home and cry in the shower, just sob my brains out. But I couldn't cry. THAT is not a good sign for me. Some of my lowest points with depression consisted of not being able to cry, so I would self-harm instead. That scares me. I want to cry because it does help me feel better. And especially right now when I feel SO overwhelmed with so many emotions. I started a new anti-depressant this week and I am hoping it will help with just everything.
My dog Sophie was diagnosed with cancer this week, stage 1. She is having a surgery to remove it on Tuesday and will be treated with a new vaccine for it. The vet says it's good they caught it early, that if they are able to treat it that she will be able to live a full life. If it is not able to be treated, she will be dead within a year.
I am looking forward to going to church on Sunday, with my neighbor and her friend, and going out to brunch afterwards. I have been praying so hard lately. Spirituality is so important to me.
I'm just dealing with a lot and don't even want to get into what is going on with my eating disorder. It's beyond frustrating and confusing. I am having a horrible time with my social life/friendships. That is definitely contributing to the depression.
I basically mindlessly rambled in this post and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it did help to type it all out.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Limbo
I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm stuck there. I KNOW what I need to do. But it is not that easy. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I've been restricting. I have come dangerously close to purging. I hate to admit it, but yes I have been trying to lose weight. I don't want to be triggering by saying that. It's just the truth. And at least I can admit that those are my intentions.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.
Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"
I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.
I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.
That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.
Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"
I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.
I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.
That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Me, Myself, and Time.
Song of the day: Me, Myself, and Time by Demi Lovato
And I know that everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.
I have been thinking (and feeling) a lot today. I think I kind of figured out the cause of my sadness. I'm beginning to think it's more depression than it is sadness. I have had little to no motivation over the past week or two. I have piles of dirty laundry in my room that I have given little thought to. I have SO much Christmas shopping to do, yet at the end of the day when I get off work, shopping is the last thing I want to do. I just feel kind of blank, empty, and stale. I cried today and tonight for the first time in a long time. It was the result of a combination of many different feelings and thoughts. I have realized how lonely I am. Aside from my friends from treatment (who are the best friends ever), I have no friends my age. My friends from treatment live 1-2 hours away. And really, I don't have that much desire to go out with people my age. I've never been into drinking, partying, bar hopping...none of that. But I feel like that's what most people my age do. I don't know anyone my age. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meet them. Yes, there is always Meetup.com. But again, here's where my lack of motivation comes in. It's pathetic. Why am I SO afraid to be social and have fun with other people? I have tons of social anxiety. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to break through that. And also, as much as I love my friends from treatment, I don't want all of my friends to have eating disorders, you know? I know there is so much more to me than that. I also would really love to have a boyfriend. But, that's a different story.
I'm not happy with my living situation. But I can't get out of it until my sister finds another roommate. I am terrified of how long that will take. As scared as I am of moving, if I could move out tomorrow, I would do in a heartbeat.
My group leader called this morning to talk about something I emailed her earlier in the week. I don't want to divulge the details because I want to respect the confidentiality of my fellow group members. But it was really great to talk to her and have her basically tell me things I needed to hear and remind myself of. That I am doing this, I am moving forward, I am not using behaviors. That I am going to be okay. I started crying while talking to her because...I guess because first of all I am so grateful for her and it just warmed my heart to hear how much she cares about me. And then secondly, I just realized how sad I was and it was overwhelming.
Throughout all of this, I am so very grateful for my friend Em. She has been there for me so much this past year, and especially the past few days. I love this girl so much. I swear it's like we should have been sisters. I hate that she lives so far away. She gives me so much strength. I love you Em.
Food is...kind of a struggle right now. And that scares me. In fact, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't go there right now. Maybe I will write about it later.
I guess that's all I have to say. I am really tired. I'm going to get in bed and read.
And I know that everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.
I have been thinking (and feeling) a lot today. I think I kind of figured out the cause of my sadness. I'm beginning to think it's more depression than it is sadness. I have had little to no motivation over the past week or two. I have piles of dirty laundry in my room that I have given little thought to. I have SO much Christmas shopping to do, yet at the end of the day when I get off work, shopping is the last thing I want to do. I just feel kind of blank, empty, and stale. I cried today and tonight for the first time in a long time. It was the result of a combination of many different feelings and thoughts. I have realized how lonely I am. Aside from my friends from treatment (who are the best friends ever), I have no friends my age. My friends from treatment live 1-2 hours away. And really, I don't have that much desire to go out with people my age. I've never been into drinking, partying, bar hopping...none of that. But I feel like that's what most people my age do. I don't know anyone my age. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meet them. Yes, there is always Meetup.com. But again, here's where my lack of motivation comes in. It's pathetic. Why am I SO afraid to be social and have fun with other people? I have tons of social anxiety. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to break through that. And also, as much as I love my friends from treatment, I don't want all of my friends to have eating disorders, you know? I know there is so much more to me than that. I also would really love to have a boyfriend. But, that's a different story.
I'm not happy with my living situation. But I can't get out of it until my sister finds another roommate. I am terrified of how long that will take. As scared as I am of moving, if I could move out tomorrow, I would do in a heartbeat.
My group leader called this morning to talk about something I emailed her earlier in the week. I don't want to divulge the details because I want to respect the confidentiality of my fellow group members. But it was really great to talk to her and have her basically tell me things I needed to hear and remind myself of. That I am doing this, I am moving forward, I am not using behaviors. That I am going to be okay. I started crying while talking to her because...I guess because first of all I am so grateful for her and it just warmed my heart to hear how much she cares about me. And then secondly, I just realized how sad I was and it was overwhelming.
Throughout all of this, I am so very grateful for my friend Em. She has been there for me so much this past year, and especially the past few days. I love this girl so much. I swear it's like we should have been sisters. I hate that she lives so far away. She gives me so much strength. I love you Em.
Food is...kind of a struggle right now. And that scares me. In fact, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't go there right now. Maybe I will write about it later.
I guess that's all I have to say. I am really tired. I'm going to get in bed and read.
Friday, July 29, 2011
leaving paradise
Well, we leave the beach tomorrow. I'm pretty bummed about it. This has been such a relaxing vacation. Today was really amazing, pretty much perfect. I was on the beach from about noon until 6pm. The weather was picture perfect. I went with Erin, and my sister, and the guys out to the biggest beach on the island and watched them fish. They caught a sting ray and it was on the line for an hour and a half until it finally broke free. It was pretty awesome, and all these people came out to watch. The water was a really pretty green, it was almost blue. I took in all of it and I have never felt so relaxed and so at peace with my mind, body, and with the world.
This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)
Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.
I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.
That's all for now.
This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)
Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.
I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.
That's all for now.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Loneliness
I have felt so lonely lately, emotionally and physically. I feel lonely when I am with people. In truth, I have always been lonely, or felt lonely. I know I have a great support system, but I feel so alone in my emotions and my thoughts. And lately...with my memories. It was just me and him in that basement, and in that empty classroom. I never reached out. I was alone with those memories and those experiences for many years. And even though I am talking about them now and sharing it with a therapist and some close friends, I still feel lonely. Everyone's experience with abuse is individual, and I know for me...it's such a lonely experience. Scary, sad, confusing..yes. But also lonely.
I've never been really close anybody. I think the closest relationship I've had with a person is my old therapist, which was also an unhealthy relationship. I've never had closeness. I crave it. I crave to be held, to sit on a couch and watch a movie with someone sitting beside me, to have a person to call when I am crying and feeling alone. I used to have a best friend, I don't think I do anymore. No one's fault...people just grow apart and in different directions. But it makes me sad.
I've been crying a lot lately...actually letting myself feel emotions...feel loneliness. I don't want to feel that way anymore though, especially when I know it can be fixed. Or can it? Am I incapable of being close with somebody? Sometimes I feel that I am.
I've never been really close anybody. I think the closest relationship I've had with a person is my old therapist, which was also an unhealthy relationship. I've never had closeness. I crave it. I crave to be held, to sit on a couch and watch a movie with someone sitting beside me, to have a person to call when I am crying and feeling alone. I used to have a best friend, I don't think I do anymore. No one's fault...people just grow apart and in different directions. But it makes me sad.
I've been crying a lot lately...actually letting myself feel emotions...feel loneliness. I don't want to feel that way anymore though, especially when I know it can be fixed. Or can it? Am I incapable of being close with somebody? Sometimes I feel that I am.
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