Hello ED

I don't really blog about my eating disorder that often because....well sometimes I think it's boring. I hate thinking about it. And I also think sometimes I am in a little bit of denial about it. But, my eating disorder is always on my mind. It is always there...whether it's acting on out behaviors or not...it is always there. I have found that in times of great stress, anxiety, and over all confusion...is when I think about it the most. Totally makes sense right? I mean, it's my crutch. It's my "friend". It's my go-to thing when things are too tough to deal with in a healthy way.

I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.

Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.

I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?

Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?

I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.

I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?

tears

Well, I've just been Miss Waterworks lately. I know there's a lot of reasons why. Not sure I really feel like going into all of it in detail

I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.

I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.

I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.

Just a lot of crying.