Apple picking and such

Today was such a fun day! I went with the family I babysit, and another family, to go apple picking! I have never been before and I loved it! We drove about an hour away to the mountains and the orchard was huge! I have never seen so many apples in my life. I ended up bringing home 9lbs of apples. I look forward to making apple pie and apple crisp. It was so nice to do something social for once. I ended up hanging out with the adults mostly, and the oldest girl who is 14. I just had a really fun time and didn't worry about what I was eating at all. I had an apple cider donut, and 4 apples. At lunch I had a slice of cheese pizza with pineapples on it, even though ED told me to get a salad. Today even sort of made up for yesterday.

Yesterday morning I had a doctor's appointment to ask about getting some blood work done to see if there is anything going on that is causing the unneeded weight gain. I asked the nurse to weigh me backwards and not show me my weight, which she did. However, when I left, they give me my paperwork for check-out and they were going over it with me and my weight was on there. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I knew I was going to weigh more than the last time I saw my weight a couple months ago, but never in all my life did I think would weigh this much (except perhaps when the day comes that I am pregnant). BTW, my doctor didn't think I needed any blood work done so I left the doctor's office feeling like it was a complete waste of time going. When I told my friend Sarah about this later on in the day, she had some really good words of wisdom that I want to share with you. She said..."its just a stupid number that flashes on a screen. It means nothing and nobody even knows that number but you. You don't walk around with a number on your forehead. nobody cares and at the end of the day what is obsessing over it going to do?" I really liked that and it was good to hear. I know body image is the last thing to go in an ED, and that's kind of exhausting to think about. But, I have faith that I will get there. I really want to compromise with my dietitian a weight that I feel comfortable with. I want to lose about 5-10lbs. If I did that I would still be in my weight range, and I would still be healthy. The tricky part is how do I do that without using behaviors. I will talk to her about this at our appointment on Monday.

I've been thinking about taking a break from therapy. But, I don't think that's a good idea. I think what's happening is I want to run from my feelings and just use ED instead. At least I can recognize that, but therapy still scares me right now. Probably something I should talk to my therapist about...

Anyway...that's all for now.