no way

My dietitian emailed me tonight and told me that the weight I am at now is what my weight is supposed to be.

No way. Not happening. I refuse to weigh this much. I will kick and scream my way back to a weight I feel is right for me. You may say that I am compromising my recovery by doing this. I really don't think that's the case.

I don't know if I can trust my dietitian right now and that scares me. I have always trusted her. But I don't know what's right anymore. I am not supposed to weigh this much...I don't care what anyone says. I know my body.

It's just not fair. I fucking hate ED.

I know what to do to lose weight. I know that purging two times or more a day and eating under xxx calories will make me drop all this weight I have put on. That's how I lost weight last year. I don't want to resort to that. I would just be miserable and disappoint every one.

I'm going to go cry now.

Apple picking and such

Today was such a fun day! I went with the family I babysit, and another family, to go apple picking! I have never been before and I loved it! We drove about an hour away to the mountains and the orchard was huge! I have never seen so many apples in my life. I ended up bringing home 9lbs of apples. I look forward to making apple pie and apple crisp. It was so nice to do something social for once. I ended up hanging out with the adults mostly, and the oldest girl who is 14. I just had a really fun time and didn't worry about what I was eating at all. I had an apple cider donut, and 4 apples. At lunch I had a slice of cheese pizza with pineapples on it, even though ED told me to get a salad. Today even sort of made up for yesterday.

Yesterday morning I had a doctor's appointment to ask about getting some blood work done to see if there is anything going on that is causing the unneeded weight gain. I asked the nurse to weigh me backwards and not show me my weight, which she did. However, when I left, they give me my paperwork for check-out and they were going over it with me and my weight was on there. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I knew I was going to weigh more than the last time I saw my weight a couple months ago, but never in all my life did I think would weigh this much (except perhaps when the day comes that I am pregnant). BTW, my doctor didn't think I needed any blood work done so I left the doctor's office feeling like it was a complete waste of time going. When I told my friend Sarah about this later on in the day, she had some really good words of wisdom that I want to share with you. She said..."its just a stupid number that flashes on a screen. It means nothing and nobody even knows that number but you. You don't walk around with a number on your forehead. nobody cares and at the end of the day what is obsessing over it going to do?" I really liked that and it was good to hear. I know body image is the last thing to go in an ED, and that's kind of exhausting to think about. But, I have faith that I will get there. I really want to compromise with my dietitian a weight that I feel comfortable with. I want to lose about 5-10lbs. If I did that I would still be in my weight range, and I would still be healthy. The tricky part is how do I do that without using behaviors. I will talk to her about this at our appointment on Monday.

I've been thinking about taking a break from therapy. But, I don't think that's a good idea. I think what's happening is I want to run from my feelings and just use ED instead. At least I can recognize that, but therapy still scares me right now. Probably something I should talk to my therapist about...

Anyway...that's all for now.

Relaxing weekend except...

Well, I got home a few hours ago. I was at a mountain resort and spa for the weekend. It was so relaxing. The trees are already changing colors up in the mountains and the air is so much cooler. It was so relaxing and invigorating. When we got up there, we did a little shopping. Everything was so expensive thought. There was a North Face fleece jacket that I really wanted, and a pair of cowboy boots, but there was no way I could afford either. So, maybe I will save up for it.

After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.

At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.

I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.

Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.

Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.

Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30

Anyway, that's all for now.

rough day

Well today was pretty rough. It's one of those days where I'm sitting here on my couch at the end of the day and it doesn't even feel like today happened.

This morning I had therapy. The first half of the session went pretty well. We just talked about my recent self-harm slip, my depression, and how I can meet new people. I am really lonely (have been for as long as I can remember) and my therapist is really urging me to meet new people, which is also really hard for me. So, she suggested that I volunteer or join a non-ED related group. Hopefully I can get myself to do that.

The second half of the session we talked about body image. I told her how completely unhappy I am with my body. I do not like anything about myself. As an athlete, I have always had to trust my body, be in control of it, and rely on it. I don't feel like I can do those things anymore. I have not been exercising lately because either I feel too big to exercise, or I want to do it for the wrong reasons. When I was at Remuda, my dietitian there gave me a weight range to be in. When I came home from Remuda, I still had to gain weight. Within a month or two, I reached my ideal weight and I was surprisingly happy with my body, or at least mostly. But I did not stop gaining weight. And as far as I know (I stopped looking at my weight a few weeks ago), I am still gaining. I do not feel like I belong in this body. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to be back in the weight range that was set for me. I hate saying "no one understands" because I know that's not true, but I had this certain body type all my life, and I don't feel like I have that anymore. And to go from being muscular, super toned, and fit to curvy and larger...it sucks so bad and it's so sad for me. People have had nothing but good compliments for me since my weight gain, telling me how much more beautiful and grown up I look. And that's fine, and that's what I know I need to look like. But, I also think it's important for me to feel good about myself. So, I said all of this in therapy, crying through out all of it. I just felt so...sad and discouraged. At the end of the session my therapist gave me a hug (which she always does) but I didn't want to let go, and so I held on and she hugged me for a long time. I really needed that.

I can't say I felt better after therapy. It was a really hard session. I don't feel like I really one accomplished anything besides just venting my feelings and setting up a plan for exercise. I see my dietitian next Friday. I emailed her about everything going on and she said we will definitely talk about this. I trust my dietitian and I know she would never let me get fat. But my ED is telling me she IS letting me get fat. It can be so confusing sometimes.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks before having to go to my next job. I got a cinnamon dolce latte which was AMAZING. I am totally getting one again soon. Work was long today. Lunch was super busy, and babysitting seemed to last forever. It is so good to finally relax at the end of such a long and hard day.

My minister, John, emailed me back and I am going to meet him next Tuesday. It will be good to see him.

Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to go curl up in bed with my book and ice cream. Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO happy about that. I am so excited for my little getaway this weekend. It is much needed. Here is the link for it in case anyone is interested.
http://www.thehomestead.com/

exhausted

Well I am just so exhausted I can barely muster up the energy to write this post. I am on week 2 of my new schedule and it's not treating me well. I could barely wake up this morning. I got in the shower and leaned against the wall and almost fell asleep. I had to guzzle a huge bottle of Diet Coke to wake myself up.

After I got ready, I met my friend Karen for breakfast. It was good to see her and talk to her. There is going to be an event here in Richmond this month and next week called Beyond Barbie, and one of the nights is about eating disorders and body image. My friend Karen will be speaking at it, and I am definitely going. It's going to pretty cool. I don't think Richmond has ever had an event like this before. I also asked Karen about the emotions she went through when she started gaining weight and had to buy new clothes (which I recently had to do). While talking to her about it I almost burst into tears. I don't really think I wanted to cry just talking about my new body, although I know that had a lot to do with it. I think a lot of it was saying my feelings out loud for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't have therapy last week, and I just haven't had anyone I could talk to about what's going on. I of course can blog here, and talk to my friends Erin and Heather, through texts, but saying it out loud is completely different.

Anyway, after breakfast I went to work at the restaurant. I had fun at work today. The people that were there today were a great group and so we had a lot of laughs. It made time go by faster, plus it was sort of busy. After that I went straight to my nannying job and ate lunch until it was time to go meet one of the kids at the bus stop. The kids were pretty easy today. Me and one of the girls made ice cream and that was fun. She loves to bake so I know I am going to have fun with her trying out all sorts of different recipes.

So, now it's not even 10pm and I could fall asleep right now. But I'm worried if I go to bed too early then I will sleep too much and then make myself even more tired.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am beyond excited. I wrote my therapist an email a couple days back just basically venting all the things that were in my head. She said to hang in there and we will talk it out in our next session. I feel like my head is going to explode. I cannot wait to see her tomorrow morning.

It sucks that I am so tired because it makes everything else going on in my head be ten times worse. I just feel super overwhelmed, and it doesn't help that I absolutely loathe my body. I have thought about doing a body tracing in therapy. But I don't ask to do it because what if I do it and I am the same size on paper that I see in the mirror. I just can't accept my new body yet. I know I have to eventually. But...it's just so difficult to remain positive about it. I don't expect to have a child's or teenager's body. I know I am not a teenager anymore. I am a woman and I should have a woman's body. But this body does not feel right. It feels unnatural. I can't get beyond that. 10lbs ago I was healthy. Why can't I go back to that?

Anyway, I realize this was a super boring post. Hopefully after therapy tomorrow I will have more interesting things to say.

new schedule and such

Rainy weather usually relaxes me, helps me sleep better, puts me in a pretty good mood. But these past few days have been pretty much non stop rain and I have been a hot mess. I started my new job and am working full time now. This new schedule is wearing me out. My feet and my knees are killing me, and I am just exhausted by 6pm every day. I thought that being busy would lessen my obsessive thoughts, but sometimes it seems to have gotten worse. I cried getting dressed this morning and driving to work. Cried. I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable in every thing I put on. I now only have one pair of pants that fit me, which are the new jeans I bought 2 months ago. None of my jeans or cords from last fall/winter will go past my knees. My shirts have also gotten to the point where they are too tight. It's really miserable. I mean, I just have so much inner turmoil going on. Nothing I wear is comfortable or feels good. I told my Mom about all of this today and she is going to take me shopping this weekend. Thank God. I feel like if I at least have clothing that I feel comfortable in, and that I think looks good on me, then my mood will improve a little bit.

I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.

I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.

Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.

I'll update after the weekend probably.

scared

I wish I could take a picture of my facial expression right now. It says...confused and scared and whatttt?

I think...I might be relapsing. But I'm not sure. How do you know? I think my recovery took a really big blow when all this un-needed weight gain occurred. It freaked me out and getting bigger just wasn't in my plans, not this big at least. For a little while, I trusted that my body would reach a point where it was happy and it would get back in the weight range that my dietitian at Remuda gave to me. But I have continued to gain and I am not trusting of my body anymore. What makes you think I'm relapsing, you may ask? It started slowly. Just mild restricting, then it came to skipping meals. And now I'm still skipping meals and cutting out foods that I have deemed "bad". I am looking at calorie information again, and going to the grocery store leaves me with an internal battle that makes me want to cry. I have noticed an increase in anxiety. I have these attacks where everything is wrong. What I look like is wrong, what I'm wearing is wrong, the way the room I'm in looks wrong, the way my face feels is wrong. I get so obsessed with the way things feel that I feel like scratching all my skin off. I can't sit still and I want to cry. I am disgusted with my body. Absolutely disgusted. I am no longer small. And that kills me.
I'm sitting here and I want to cry. I want to cry because I am so scared of relapse, of going backwards to the point where moving forwards feels impossible. I do not think I could survive another relapse, I truly don't. I either think my eating disorder would kill me, or I would kill myself. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to die. I deserve better than that. I WANT better than that.

I'm all out of words right now. I just want to see my therapist right now. Any one have any words of wisdom or advice?

drama in my brain

Ugh, this shit needs to stop. I am so sick of ED.

While I am not using behaviors, the ED thoughts are non-stop, especially since this weight gain issue has come into play. I have no idea why I am gaining weight still. My biggest fear is that I won't stop, and I really am starting to think that will actually happen. Everything with this feels so out of my control. Like, I am eating really well and not purging, but I still continue to gain. Tonight at group I was so out of it. I don't think I absorbed any information and I feel really pissed about that because I wish I could get all out of group that I can.

But, I ended up having a really awesome conversation with two of the women in group after wards. It helped to say out loud all of my fears and concerns. And when I was about to leave, the group leader saw me get into my car and asked me what was going on. And so I told her all aboualmostt the weight gain issues and she helped put my mind at rest too. And it was crazy because during group all I could think about was going to get dinner after wards and purging it. But after talking to the women from group and my group leader, I realized I didn't need/want to do that. I thought real hard about it and I realized why I wanted to purge. It was because I can't control what is going on with my weight and so purging is something I have always been able to control. And then I also realized that the loneliness I am feeling is so intense and palpable that I feel like I need to fill that void. And bingeing and purging does that for me. But, I decided to be a recovery rockstar and eat my dinner and not purge and watch a movie to distract myself.

I am also really struggling with not having a job right now. I still have my hostessing job but it doesn't really count because it's only on the weekends and the schedule won't change until September. All I can really do about that is put my name and number on the bulletin board at work in case anyone needs me to work for them. So far, no luck. My dad is already pestering me with questions about what I am going to do about a job. I really need to figure it out so I won't get stressed out about it, so I can make some money, and so I don't just sit on my ass all day.

I am also making myself start jogging again. I really need to start exercising more and hopefully that will stop the weight gain. It's so damn hot outside so I will have to wake up early to do it. I am also going to start doing some sprint dashes and strength exercises like push ups and sit ups and work on my flexibility. I also am going to get blood work done tomorrow to get my thyroid checked to see if that possibly could have something to do with the weight gain. Just make it stop!!!

I am super excited for tomorrow because I am meeting Sarah! I met her a few years ago on MySpace and we have kept in close contact and I feel like I've known her all my life. I am meeting her and her friend at the mall for lunch. And then Thursday night I am meeting my friend Karen for dinner at Panera, and I am soooo excited for this. Karen is one of the most inspiring people I know and I always feel better when I have a talk with her. I love her.
And Friday I am having two abnormal moles on my foot removed and will have to sit and lay down all weekend (which I'm not complaining about!)

Anyway, that's all for now.