Today was such a fun day! I went with the family I babysit, and another family, to go apple picking! I have never been before and I loved it! We drove about an hour away to the mountains and the orchard was huge! I have never seen so many apples in my life. I ended up bringing home 9lbs of apples. I look forward to making apple pie and apple crisp. It was so nice to do something social for once. I ended up hanging out with the adults mostly, and the oldest girl who is 14. I just had a really fun time and didn't worry about what I was eating at all. I had an apple cider donut, and 4 apples. At lunch I had a slice of cheese pizza with pineapples on it, even though ED told me to get a salad. Today even sort of made up for yesterday.
Yesterday morning I had a doctor's appointment to ask about getting some blood work done to see if there is anything going on that is causing the unneeded weight gain. I asked the nurse to weigh me backwards and not show me my weight, which she did. However, when I left, they give me my paperwork for check-out and they were going over it with me and my weight was on there. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I knew I was going to weigh more than the last time I saw my weight a couple months ago, but never in all my life did I think would weigh this much (except perhaps when the day comes that I am pregnant). BTW, my doctor didn't think I needed any blood work done so I left the doctor's office feeling like it was a complete waste of time going. When I told my friend Sarah about this later on in the day, she had some really good words of wisdom that I want to share with you. She said..."its just a stupid number that flashes on a screen. It means nothing and nobody even knows that number but you. You don't walk around with a number on your forehead. nobody cares and at the end of the day what is obsessing over it going to do?" I really liked that and it was good to hear. I know body image is the last thing to go in an ED, and that's kind of exhausting to think about. But, I have faith that I will get there. I really want to compromise with my dietitian a weight that I feel comfortable with. I want to lose about 5-10lbs. If I did that I would still be in my weight range, and I would still be healthy. The tricky part is how do I do that without using behaviors. I will talk to her about this at our appointment on Monday.
I've been thinking about taking a break from therapy. But, I don't think that's a good idea. I think what's happening is I want to run from my feelings and just use ED instead. At least I can recognize that, but therapy still scares me right now. Probably something I should talk to my therapist about...
Anyway...that's all for now.
I am so glad you had fun apple picking! It sounds like a blast. Every year I try to go to a pumpkin patch which is always a lot of fun and I imagine it's kind of similar. I have an AWESOME recipe for apple crisp that comes strait from Momma Droneburg's kitchen (on the rare occasions that she cooks) so I will have to send it to you.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the day will come when weight does not matter for you. I know that you will get this whole situation under control soon enough. For now, just continue to listen to your heart. Not your ED which sometimes disguises himself as your heart, but what told you that it was okay to have a donut and apples and a pizza for lunch. That is the voice that is correct. That is the voice that allows you to make choices that make you happiest. Anyone who tells me that they enjoy a salad more than pizza is a downright liar. Comfort foods are called that for a reason and as long as you don't eat them every meal of every day, you are fine.
I am envious of you that you are able to eat what you want. It is still so hard for me at restaurants. It was so embarrassing- I was in NYC yesterday and at dinner the restaurant printed calories next to every meal and, at a table with about ten people, I had to ask my friend to read me the meals off the menu so I didn't pick what I got based off of the calorie content.
I hope other than that, you had a wonderful weekend. I will talk to you soon about visiting again <3
Did you go to Carter Mountain? I live about 30 mins from there now and have been the past few Saturdays. I love apples and cinnamon, and the fresh ones are so good!
ReplyDeletenikki