gotta have faith

I'm exhausted. Just...in general. I am fully realizing the extent of what happened to me when I was 11. I still have a hard time owning it though. Like...saying out loud..."I was sexually abused". I can't do that yet. I'm beginning to think the EMDR might not be such a bad idea. But I want to know more about it. I guess I knew all along I had PTSD, but when my therapist said it to me on Wednesday...it hit hard. It's scary. It really is. That's all I feel up to writing about that stuff right now.

ED stuff isn't going too well. I have purged twice in the past week. I'm on day 4 of no purging though. I continue to struggle with eating throughout the day, and then bingeing at night. At night...I think about food constantly. This is something i have struggled with since middle school. It's such a nightmare. My dietitian has always told me the solution to the night bingeing would be to eat all of my meals. That's so hard to do right now, even though I know I need to do it. I think about purging every single time I eat something. I have been fighting the urges for 4 days now. I just need to keep it up.

And, I miss my best friend Jen. I have no idea where she is or how she is. I miss her terribly, and I need her.