I'm exhausted. Just...in general. I am fully realizing the extent of what happened to me when I was 11. I still have a hard time owning it though. Like...saying out loud..."I was sexually abused". I can't do that yet. I'm beginning to think the EMDR might not be such a bad idea. But I want to know more about it. I guess I knew all along I had PTSD, but when my therapist said it to me on Wednesday...it hit hard. It's scary. It really is. That's all I feel up to writing about that stuff right now.
ED stuff isn't going too well. I have purged twice in the past week. I'm on day 4 of no purging though. I continue to struggle with eating throughout the day, and then bingeing at night. At night...I think about food constantly. This is something i have struggled with since middle school. It's such a nightmare. My dietitian has always told me the solution to the night bingeing would be to eat all of my meals. That's so hard to do right now, even though I know I need to do it. I think about purging every single time I eat something. I have been fighting the urges for 4 days now. I just need to keep it up.
And, I miss my best friend Jen. I have no idea where she is or how she is. I miss her terribly, and I need her.
Hang in there. It sucks, but know you arent alone.
ReplyDeleteSorry things are so tough right now :( I am right there with you in SO many ways - in my own life and recovery.
ReplyDeleteI am PROUD of you for being honest on here and opening up! It is so hard (and scary) to be vunerable - but in the end it will be SO worth it because you WILL be able to heal and I am right here with you on that road.
I want to help and support you in any way that I can. Us "recovering" girls need to stick together because no one quite understands (or even comes close sometimes) to what we are going through!
Lots of hugs!!! Keep pushing and keep fighting!
jenn
the hardest thing for me to do, but ultimately the most helpful, was just following my meal plan. it's a huge step, but it made me feel better in every way eventually. proper food and nutrition=medicine.
ReplyDeletei know you can do it! xoxo