Emotional

I had many "ah-ha" moments today. It's making me very emotional.
I had a conversation with the mom I babysit for today. She came home and she was telling me about how they (the family) were already looking for another dog (since theirs died suddenly on Saturday). I started crying because I obviously am sad about Tucker the dog passing away. It was such a shock and it was so sad because he was still just a puppy. And it made me think of my dog Lucy, who we had to put down about a month ago because she had cancer. And so it was just an enormous amount of overwhelming emotions. I started thinking about all the other things I'm struggling with right now, with my eating disorder and anxiety. For a moment, I almost spilled all of it out to "J", the mom. In that moment I just felt I need extra support. But I didn't want to make that conversation about me, and I didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want her to feel like because I was struggling with food that I wasn't fit to take care of her kids. So I didn't say anything.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian tonight. I was early, and her client before me cancelled, so I got to spend extra time with her tonight, which was nice and much needed. We talked about how I need to find some passion in my life, so I can get rid of the false passion I have for my eating disorder. I am going to try out a church near me, that reminds me a lot of the kind of music and sermons I heard at Remuda. I'm excited to try that out! And also my dietitian approved exercise for me. And something that I'm really passionate about is gymnastics. I was a gymnast, a high level gymnast, for many years and I just loved everything about the sport. So I am going to be taking some adult gymnastics classes starting in a couple of weeks. I am REALLY looking forward to that. Of course I have some anxiety about that, but I think it's going to really good for me.  My dietitian reminded me that life with an eating disorder is not a life. That nothing will good from come from continuing to use behaviors.

So after leaving our session, I felt hope and encouragement for the first time in weeks. I left with the attitude of, "I can do this".  I just pray that it's not a temporary feeling and that even if I wake up tomorrow feeling completely exhausted, that the glimmer of hope will still be burning inside of me.

Catching up

So, let me just tell you about Thursday night. I went to this event at this art gallary about eating disorders and body image. There were 3 speakers. The first was my friend Karen. She told her story for the first time. I cried tears of joy for her. I am so proud of how far she has come. She has been there for me so much throughout the last year. At one point when she was speaking I saw her looking at me and I was crying. I think she could tell by looking at my eyes how proud I was of her.

The second speaker was a therapist and ED activist in Maryland. She is recovered from an eating disorder as well. It was inspiring to hear her story. She is such a leader in the ED community and I strive to be as confident as she is one day.

The third speaker was Kathleen MacDonald. Some of you might know who is she is. She is an eating disorder activist who lives in D.C. and lobbys on Capitol Hill for ED research and awareness, and runs the FREED Foundation. I have known Kathleen about a year through Facebook. She pretty much saved my life last year when I was in the worst of my ED and depression. Thursday night was the first time I met her in person. Her story, her speech, which was really just her speaking from her heart, was hands down the most inspiring speech I have ever heard. Her story is incredible. I don't want to tell it on here, because it's not my story to tell. But she has over come so much adversity and her commitment to her recovery is the most refreshing thing I have heard. She is recovered from an ED of 16 years. I shed many tears during her speech. It was sad, moving, and uplifting. Part of her speech was to ask the audience if anyone would volunteer why they were that night. I raised my hand, something I never could have pictured myself doing. I said, "My name is Holly. I've had an eating disorder for almost 9 years, but I am in month 6 of recovery. I am here first and foremost to support my friend Karen, who means the world to me (at this point my voice broke and I started crying). I am also here for myself, to keep up my fight." It was pretty powerful being vulnerable in a room of about 50-60 people.
After the event was over, I went up to Kathleen, who knew who I was, and gave her a big hug. I told her that she saved my life last year. When I went into the psych hospital I didn't have time to tell anyone what was going on. Including her. I told her that I know I scared her when she didn't hear from me for 5 days. She said with tears in her eyes, "Yes you did, but I was so glad to hear you were okay." She told me she knew I was on my way to full recovery. I just couldn't hold back my tears.
I will be seeing her again on November 5th when we both are attending a NEDA awareness walk in Charlottesville. My friends Michelle and Erin will be there as well (I hope).

Yesterday I saw my dietitian. I had done so much better this week with my food. Eating breakfast every single day this week for the first time since leaving Remuda. But I still could have done better. When she weighed me (and I looked) she told me I had lost a pound. Which proved her point that eating breakfast would speed up my metabolism. I just always thought eating breakfast and eating more in general would make me gain more weight. I guess not. She told me she thinks my weight is about where it needs to be, maybe it neds to be a little more or a little less. I understand everything now, about my weight that is. I trust my dietitian. I still fear I will become obese, but I am slowly becoming more and more accepting of my body. I read my dietitian the journal entry I posted on here yesterday. I cried while reading it, as did she.
I am just so glad things are getting better.

This has felt like the longest week of my life. So much running through my head and so many things and appointments I had to do. I am so glad this week ended on a great note.

That's all I have for now.
Have a great weekend everyone!