I survived the storm!

I survived! Hurricane Irene hit us on Saturday morning, and lasted througout the day and night. I lost power at about 11am on Saturday, and just got it back today. We had a ton of wind damage here. There are a lot of trees down, power lines down, and most of the city is still without power. I haven't gotten much sleep in the past few days, because this whole no power thing has stressed me out and taken me out of my comfort zone. But thankfully it's back on and things will calm down here.

I had my last group session last night. It was amazing! We walked a labyrinth, which I found very eye-opening and powerful. We exchanged gifts for one another and it was so amazing to see how far all of us have come. I went out to dinner with two of the women afterwards and that was so much fun! I am definitely going to keep in touch with all of these ladies! I start the new group in 2 weeks and I am looking forward to meeting new people and continuing my healing!

I am getting increasingly anxious about starting back work full time next week. I know it will be good for me, and it will be nice to have some money. And these two jobs are not too stressful or difficult. But, it just makes me worry because I guess I don't want to screw up or lose my job or look stupid. I'm worried that maybe I will get too stressed out and I won't be able to handle it. And I will be working practically all day long so I won't have time for much else.

My body image has been horrible lately. I feel like a giant. I went shopping with my mom yesterday and tried on some really cute dresses at H&M. When I came out of the dressing room, my mom told me to suck in my stomach and went and got me a larger size. It was horrible. My stomach is what I struggle with the most. I look like I'm pregnant when I wear tight shirts or dresses. It sticks out and I feel so bloated. But I don't know if I'm really bloated, or my stomach is really that big. I see my dietitian tonight and I want to vent my frustrations and concerns to her. She and my therapist keep telling me how I have this amazing athletic body that is so rare and that I don't look big at all. Ugh, I know I should believe them. But I can't. I am 25lbs bigger than I was 7 months ago and I think it's too much! And my period is still irregular! I don't want to look at my weight any more because it is so depressing. I want my fit, toned, athletic body back and still be healthy at the same time.

Tomorrow is going to be such a busy day. I have therapy in the morning, my psychiatrist at 1pm, possibly having coffee with a friend after that, and then I'm babysitting from 5:30 to 7:30. It's going to be an emotionally draining day.

On a sad note, my little sister's boyfriend dumped her. I found out today that he cheated on her. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard this and I wanted to cry. They had been together for two years and he was like a brother to me. He had become such a big part of our family and my sister's life. I don't understand what happened in the 1 week they have been apart. Does college really change you like that? He's a good guy, or at least I thought he was. It breaks me heart for my sister. I can't imagine what she is going through, all while adjusting to college and being away from home for the first time. I'm just really sad about all of this. And I don't understand it either.

I am SO excited because on Saturday I am taking the train up to Baltimore to see Erin for the weekend! I cannot wait to see her even though we went to the beach together a month ago. I'm excited to see her town and go out to dinner and shopping downtown.

Anyway, I have a ton of laundry and cleaning to do. I am excited to take my first HOT shower in 5 days!

the calm before the storm

So, two natural disasters in 1 week? Pretty cool, I'd say. First it was the earthquake on Tuesday, and aftershocks the two following days, and now a hurricane is supposed to hit late tonight/tomorrow. I have to work this weekend so hopefully the power will go out at the restaurant and I won't have to work! We had a pretty big storm last night, but probably nothing compared to what we are going to get. Although, it's really not a big deal. At worst we will probably have power outages and wind damage. But when I went to the grocery store today and couldn't find a place to park and the lines were out the door, I wanted to scream at these people that they were idiots. This isn't the apocalypse. It is a storm. Get over it.

I had therapy yesterday. I guess it went well. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about, until the very end. I briefly brought up trauma stuff, which I came to regret. I have come SO far with my trauma. My flashbacks have decreased so much and I no longer think about it every day. But whenever I talk about it, my brain shuts down. And it's like I experience a tsunami of emotions. It makes me frustrated. I just want to move on from it. But I also am scared, for reasons that are so complicated I am not going to even bother writing about. But, even with the discouragement, I remain hopeful.

My anxiety has been pretty high today. Obsessing over every single thing, which makes me really cranky and short tempered. It's really frustrating and annoying, not just for me, but everyone around me. I just want to feel comfortable in my skin.

Next week is going to be pretty jam packed, which is good. Monday night I am starting my new group. Tuesday night I have the last session of my other group. Wednesday I am working the lunch shift, and Wednesday night I see my dietitian. Thursday morning I have therapy, and Thursday afternoon I see my psychiatrist. And then that weekend I am possibly taking the train up to Maryland to see Erin and hopefully, my friends Ashley and Jackie.

Anyway, that's about it. Not much going on right now.