school and things

It's that time of the year again, when school is starting back. In the past week I have been asked several times "Oh are you getting ready to go back to school?" I take a deep breath and explain that, No I'm not in school, I have my associate's degree, and lie to people and tell them that I am getting ready to take my MA certification test. In truth, I have unearthed my certification study book from a box in my house, but haven't opened it. I'm scared to take this test. Scared to fail, like I did the last time I took it. I question all the time whether or not it would be the right thing to get back into the health care field, or if I really want it. After the heartbreak of losing the best job I ever had last October, I catch myself wondering if it would be worth it to take the test again and applying for jobs. And also, am I really cut out for it? I am much healthier than I was a year ago, no longer in the midst of a full blown relapse. I still do have passion for health care, I still want to go to nursing school one day, but fear holds me back. I'm not really sure what I want to do. The test costs a bunch of money, and so if I decide to take it, I have to be serious about it.

I need an outlet. Writing has always been an outlet. But I feel stuck with it. I love to write, but what do I write about? I have found myself being lost in music lately. Listening to the words and just completely relating to them or to something that's going on in my life. This weekend I think I am going to buy a canvas and some paint and just go crazy. I need to let these emotions out.

I have had very little to zero energy lately, emotionally and physically. My brain is working overtime. There is so much to think about, to process. I'm exhausted. I know it doesn't help being malnourished. Obviously I need to do something about that. The past couple of days at work have been a struggle to get through. My body and my brain do not want to cooperate. I hate feeling this way. My head needs a break.

quote of the day...

"The real struggle is about you: you, a person who has to learn to live in the real world, to inhabit her own skin, to know her own heart, to stop waiting for life to begin."