it gets worse before it gets better.

The title of this post is so true when it comes to healing from trauma. I've been working really hard with my therapist since the end of the summer. It's been so hard, and so painful. But I am making progress. But it's still hard. Today was one of the most intense and overwhelming therapy sessions I've ever had. I had a full on breakdown/flashback/dissociative episode. My therapist responded in the most perfect way and I was so glad she was there for me. I was SO out of it after therapy. I felt like I had just run a marathon. My therapist walked me out and down the hall to the elevator, but she must have sensed that I was still really out of it. She rode down the elevator with me. I don't know how, but I drove myself home. I was so dizzy and everything was fuzzy and I think I was still disconnected. I got home and had a little over an hour before I needed to be at work. I literally walked up the stairs to my room, took off my shoes, and crawled under my bed covers and set my alarm for when I needed to wake up to go to work. I instantly fell asleep. Once I woke up I felt better. It was just really intense and I've kind of felt down in the dumps all day and not motivated at all. I'm now at home and in my bed with a heating pad on my chest. I feel anxious that that intense feeling and experience will happen again , but this time alone. I just need to distract, distract, distract.

I've decided that I want to go back to school. Although, I have NO idea how I am going to pay for that. I want to get my associate's degree in early childhood education, and eventually teach pre-school. I think that would be a perfect job for me. I could technically get my degree by taking online classes through the local community college. But I do need to do more research. Figure out what preschools require you to have a degree or not, or if I need any type of certification. And of course, if I need to go back to school, figure out how to pay for it. I'm tired of the jobs I have now. They aren't challenging and I'm really unhappy at them.

Friday I am going to my regular doctor to get checked out. I have been having some really distressing symptoms for the past couple of months. I am nauseous every day, bloated to the point where I look pregnant, I have night sweats and hot flashes, insomnia, irregular periods, episodes of vertigo, etc. I saw my dietitian on Monday night and she weighed me on her super duper scale and I had a really high level of fluid in me, and I had gained weight. I told her about my symptoms and she is convinced I have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's also been suggested that I have some sort of thyroid issue. Anyway, I'm just really anxious to get some answer about what's going on with me. Because I'm miserable.

Not much else is going on. I'm still motivated for recovery, but otherwise I'm really unhappy. 

school and things

It's that time of the year again, when school is starting back. In the past week I have been asked several times "Oh are you getting ready to go back to school?" I take a deep breath and explain that, No I'm not in school, I have my associate's degree, and lie to people and tell them that I am getting ready to take my MA certification test. In truth, I have unearthed my certification study book from a box in my house, but haven't opened it. I'm scared to take this test. Scared to fail, like I did the last time I took it. I question all the time whether or not it would be the right thing to get back into the health care field, or if I really want it. After the heartbreak of losing the best job I ever had last October, I catch myself wondering if it would be worth it to take the test again and applying for jobs. And also, am I really cut out for it? I am much healthier than I was a year ago, no longer in the midst of a full blown relapse. I still do have passion for health care, I still want to go to nursing school one day, but fear holds me back. I'm not really sure what I want to do. The test costs a bunch of money, and so if I decide to take it, I have to be serious about it.

I need an outlet. Writing has always been an outlet. But I feel stuck with it. I love to write, but what do I write about? I have found myself being lost in music lately. Listening to the words and just completely relating to them or to something that's going on in my life. This weekend I think I am going to buy a canvas and some paint and just go crazy. I need to let these emotions out.

I have had very little to zero energy lately, emotionally and physically. My brain is working overtime. There is so much to think about, to process. I'm exhausted. I know it doesn't help being malnourished. Obviously I need to do something about that. The past couple of days at work have been a struggle to get through. My body and my brain do not want to cooperate. I hate feeling this way. My head needs a break.

quote of the day...

"The real struggle is about you: you, a person who has to learn to live in the real world, to inhabit her own skin, to know her own heart, to stop waiting for life to begin."