random thoughts

My dog Lucy


Some of these might makes sense, some might...it's just what is inside my head.

- the last time I was truly happy was when I was 10 years old. This needs to change.

-I live literally 2 minutes away from my parents, and yet I miss them when I go to my own house. I'm almost 22 years old, to me this is a problem.

- My birthday is on Monday. I feel so old.

- I do not know how to define the state of my eating disorder recovery. I guess I am considered "in recovery" but it doesn't really feel like it

- My oldest dog, Lucy, is 11 years old. And even though she is in perfect health and so energetic I constantly fear she is going to die soon and I don't think I could handle that.

- I need to make an appointment with my colo-rectal surgeon. I am having a lot of pain and bleeding again. This needs to be fixed, but it's such an embarrassing problem.

- I have decided to really actually talk about it. I don't want to. But I know I need to. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

- I want a baby. No really.

- It's really hard to eat right now. I get hungry, and then when the food is in front of me, the hunger goes away.

-Ultimate frisbee summer league is almost over. This makes me sad. On Sunday, I got hit really hard in the head, very painful. Still have a headache. I think I might have had a slight concussion. Oh well, I have been hit harder.

- My bed is the most comfortable thing in the world.


- I want to go back to the beach.

back from the beach

Ahhh it was SO amazing at the beach, even if I was only there for 3 days. It was SO relaxing and beautiful and now I'm tan, and I came home refreshed and relaxed. I feel great. I did alot of thinking at the beach, soul searching if that's what you want to call it. Made some decisions that are good ones, and will change my life. I decided to start looking for a new job. I realized how unhappy I am at my current job. I feel it's the worst job I've ever had. I need to be somewhere and working with people that make me happy and not out of control anxious. I have decided to commit myself in therapy to working on the abuse. Last week I was done with it, not wanting to work on it ever again. But after talking to someone who has been through trauma and overcome it, she has inspired me to fully work on mine. It's going to be hard. But I know it will be worth it.

So I have a busy week ahead of me. First round of ultimate frisbee tournament tomorrow night (so excited and pumped!) Work from 9-3 on Monday. Psychiatrist on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday, Frisbee again on Wednesday, and then work the rest of the week. My car is fucked up again so that sucks, don't know when I will get it back, but I have my sister's car for the time being.

Anyway, that's all the updates I have right now. My phone is turned back on (I kept it off while at the beach).

So here are some pics from the beach.

currently

Currently Wearing:
khaki shorts and blue polo

Currently Eating:
zone bar and drinking water

Currently Wanting:
a hug

Currently listening to:
seek up - dave matthews band

Currently Angry about:
having to go to work. i just don't like my job at all. it's irritating

Currently worried about:
god, everything? well to be specific, my mom's surgery, screwing up at work, having a panic attack, having flashbacks

Currently obsessed with:
ultimate frisbee

Currently working on:
positive self talk. distractions. breathing exercises.

Currently thinking about:
how good my hair smells.
how much i want/need to talk to my therapist. even though i just saw her yesterday.
how i want to see my dietitian