update!

Hey yall.

SO, I know it has been forever since I have been on here. I've been home from Remuda for exactly 2 weeks today and I thought I owed all of you an update.

So on February 10 I was very suicidal (as you can tell from my previous blog posts). I carved multiple lines into my legs and was ready to end it all. I saw no other way out. Nothing was ever going to get better. I had a scheduled therapy appointment that morning, and so I went. On the drive over I told myself I was going to tell her I wanted to go to the hospital...that I needed it. And so I told her. As she was on the phone with the people at the hospital telling them I was coming, I started crying. I realized how...lost I was. I just knew it was either suicide, or taking the step to get better. And so I drove myself to the hospital, and checked myself into the psychiatric unit. I was there for the next 5 days. They straightened out my meds and I got some much needed sleep. My second to last day there my parents told me I was being admitted to Remuda Ranch the next day for my eating disorder. I was not against it. In fact, I wanted it. But I was surprised that my parents felt the same as I did. The next day I was discharged from the hospital and had 2 hours to go home and pack and then my parents drove me to the treatment center, which was about 45 minutes away from my house. It sunk in on my way there that I was admitting myself to treatment again, and it started to feel scary. But I knew there was no turning back. I needed to do this. I had to. I was going to die if I didn't.

I spent the next 30 days at the ranch. The first two weeks were really really hard. I was basically taken off of all my anxiety meds and put on new ones and so my anxiety was probably the worst it has ever been in my life. I felt like I was dying 24 hours a day. But eventually I found the right combo of meds and I can honestly say that my anxiety is the lowest it has been in my entire life. I always have a great combo of meds that help with my sleep. There was a small group of us there, but we were all so much alike and so we bonded very quickly. The other girls support to one another was amazing, and we will always be lifelong friends. I had Family Week as well. It went well. Not exactly the most exciting or relaxing thing in the world, but it was definitely helpful. I would have to say the 3 most helpful parts of my treatment there were: the other girls, my dietitian there, Heather, and the equine therapy. It sounds crazy, but a horse changed me, changed my life. I owe so much to my horse, Dude. I can't explain it. You would have to experience it to know what it feels like. But it's amazing. My dietitian Heather was simply amazing. I gained so much insight and support and encouragement from her. She truly believed in me and was always very patient and very helpful to me. I owe so much to her as well. The last thing we did together was cut up a pair of my jeans. It was so empowering. I will never forget that. Anyway, so after 30 days at the ranch I transferred to the step down program in Arizona. I did not know anyone at the step down program. All the other women were from the ranch in Arizona, and I was from Virginia. So it was pretty lonely. The one person I did know was my dietitian, Kim, from my last stay in Arizona 7 years ago. We formed a really close bond during my 75 days there and I continued to write her after I left. So reuniting with her was just like old time. She wasn't my dietitian this go-around, but I went to her office and talked with her everyday. She the person who I had the hardest time saying goodbye to. But we have been in contact since I discharged so I am grateful for that. I was only at the center in Arizona for 2 weeks, so I did not get that much out of it. But it definitely gave me more time to restore my weight and work on body image. I finalized my aftercare plans and was really excited about finally going home. I cried my eyes out at the airport and on the plane. I knew I would probably never see Kim again. And then I dried my eyes and put on my feel-good music and realized how good I felt on the inside compared to how I felt 2 months ago. It has been quite a journey, and totally worth it.

I have been home 2 weeks ago and I have definitely had my struggles. I came home still on weight gain so that has been a struggle. I have struggling with depression as well, but each day gets better and better. I am seeing my outpatient team twice a week and I am so glad I have their support. I started back at my hostessing job and that has been great because it has provided structure and a reason to wake up in the morning. I quit my job at Panera for multiple reasons. The number one reason being I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with one of my co-workers. An abusive relationship that I did not see or realize until 2 weeks into my treatment. I have no plans in seeing him or talking to him ever again. And that is for the best. I have been searching for support groups, but there isn't much around here. I want to get back into volunteering and found a place not too far away that rehabs abused and neglected horses. So I am looking into that as well as the local animal shelter. I eventually will need to find a second job, but for now...I am good where I am.

So that's about it. I feel great. I am very very hopeful for the future, for my future. I want ED gone, and I will do everything I can to make sure that happens.

So that's life up until now. I will promise to keep updating!

I'm home!

I am home from treatment! All is well! I will provide a more detailed update later! Just wanted to say I am doing great and I feel great!

Arizona

Hey Ya'll

Just wanted to send an email to the people closest to me letting ya'll know that I am being discharged from Remuda Ranch East on Thursday and flying out to Chandler, Arizona to go to the Remuda Life Program for at least 2 weeks. Things have definitely improved and I am making progress. My hope has been restored and my depression has lifted. I am healthy. I have made amazing new friends at Remuda. I am confident that things will continue to improve and I will come back home in a really awesome place. I know I have to cut some people out of my life, though it's hard I know it is for the best. I have to find a new job when I come back home as well. But I know it will all work out. Please keep me in your prayers and continue to send well wishes and encouragement. I thank all of you who have supported me and been there for me. I really appreciate it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do not know the address of the program in Arizona, but if you want to send me your address through email before 3pm today, that would be great. You can also call me or text me your address. My number is 804-516-8223. Again, thank you for everything. My email is hmw0726@gmail.com

Love and hugs,
Holly:)

still here.

I had an emotional breakdown last night. I had not slept in 2 days and it all just got to me. I was laying on my bathroom floor crying so hard I could not see or breathe, clutching about 20 sleeping pills in my hand. I could have done it. I could have swallowed them. But I chose to call my therapist instead. I finally got some sleep last night, but the depression still lingers. I relapsed with self harm. Cut my leg up pretty bad. My psychiatrist wants me in treatment, but I can't afford it. I almost went to the psych hospital last night, but stayed with my parents instead.

I feel so...lost. I feel so unsteady, unstable, unlike me. I am glad that I am still here, and not hooked up to tubes in the hospital, or worse....dead.

But right now, death seems like the only escape.

Oh yeah...I got my period. Which has my eating disorder telling me that I have not been starving myself enough. And I see my dietitian on Friday, and when she weighs me she is going to think that I have been stuffing my face because I always gain 3-4lbs of water weight on my period. I have failed myself.

Little Miss by Sugarland

update

- Therapy went much, much better this week. I'm so grateful for my therapist's support and understanding. I know she will see me through this hard time.

- I've been on the 20mg of Prozac for a week now. I don't feel any difference.

- I told my mom I am struggling with the eating disorder again. She of course emailed my therapist and is concerned/frustrated. But she isn't hounding me and prying me for answers, which I appreciate.

- Sleep continues to be an issue. I have a horrible time falling asleep, and then wake up at really early hours and can't go back to sleep. I take the Seroquel when I am desperate, but even by taking a half of 25mg pill, I feel like I have been run over by a truck the next day.

- Still purging. Still restricting. I took a caffeine pill yesterday. Bad, bad idea. I felt like my heart was going to jump outside of my body. I have not been following the plan my dietitian gave me. It scares me. Eating six snacks a day? I want to try it, I really do. But it scares me.

-Work is so boring and so miserable, and I really need to find the motivation to find a better job with better benefits.

- I'm sad. I feel lost. I feel broken. I feel...exhausted.

-

same

Things are the same. Not worse, not better. Well, maybe the purging has gotten worse.

I wrote this email to a friend last night. It pretty much sums up what I feel about life right now...

"I don't know how to do this, any of this. I feel like I'm wasting money and time by going to therapy and my dietitian. I feel sorry for the people that are trying to help me, because I can't seem to help myself. Maybe I should just stop going to therapy, stop reaching out for help. I can't even follow the plan my dietitian gave me. I am scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of losing the ED. I don't even know what's feeding the restricting and the purging anymore, it feels so much a part of me. I know it's wrong, but the fear of losing it scares me more than anything, so I continue to do it. I'm supposed to fight it right? That's what we are supposed to do. I don't feel the urge to fight within me. I don't care about myself."