Arizona

Hey Ya'll

Just wanted to send an email to the people closest to me letting ya'll know that I am being discharged from Remuda Ranch East on Thursday and flying out to Chandler, Arizona to go to the Remuda Life Program for at least 2 weeks. Things have definitely improved and I am making progress. My hope has been restored and my depression has lifted. I am healthy. I have made amazing new friends at Remuda. I am confident that things will continue to improve and I will come back home in a really awesome place. I know I have to cut some people out of my life, though it's hard I know it is for the best. I have to find a new job when I come back home as well. But I know it will all work out. Please keep me in your prayers and continue to send well wishes and encouragement. I thank all of you who have supported me and been there for me. I really appreciate it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do not know the address of the program in Arizona, but if you want to send me your address through email before 3pm today, that would be great. You can also call me or text me your address. My number is 804-516-8223. Again, thank you for everything. My email is hmw0726@gmail.com

Love and hugs,
Holly:)

still here.

I had an emotional breakdown last night. I had not slept in 2 days and it all just got to me. I was laying on my bathroom floor crying so hard I could not see or breathe, clutching about 20 sleeping pills in my hand. I could have done it. I could have swallowed them. But I chose to call my therapist instead. I finally got some sleep last night, but the depression still lingers. I relapsed with self harm. Cut my leg up pretty bad. My psychiatrist wants me in treatment, but I can't afford it. I almost went to the psych hospital last night, but stayed with my parents instead.

I feel so...lost. I feel so unsteady, unstable, unlike me. I am glad that I am still here, and not hooked up to tubes in the hospital, or worse....dead.

But right now, death seems like the only escape.

Oh yeah...I got my period. Which has my eating disorder telling me that I have not been starving myself enough. And I see my dietitian on Friday, and when she weighs me she is going to think that I have been stuffing my face because I always gain 3-4lbs of water weight on my period. I have failed myself.

Little Miss by Sugarland

update

- Therapy went much, much better this week. I'm so grateful for my therapist's support and understanding. I know she will see me through this hard time.

- I've been on the 20mg of Prozac for a week now. I don't feel any difference.

- I told my mom I am struggling with the eating disorder again. She of course emailed my therapist and is concerned/frustrated. But she isn't hounding me and prying me for answers, which I appreciate.

- Sleep continues to be an issue. I have a horrible time falling asleep, and then wake up at really early hours and can't go back to sleep. I take the Seroquel when I am desperate, but even by taking a half of 25mg pill, I feel like I have been run over by a truck the next day.

- Still purging. Still restricting. I took a caffeine pill yesterday. Bad, bad idea. I felt like my heart was going to jump outside of my body. I have not been following the plan my dietitian gave me. It scares me. Eating six snacks a day? I want to try it, I really do. But it scares me.

-Work is so boring and so miserable, and I really need to find the motivation to find a better job with better benefits.

- I'm sad. I feel lost. I feel broken. I feel...exhausted.

-

same

Things are the same. Not worse, not better. Well, maybe the purging has gotten worse.

I wrote this email to a friend last night. It pretty much sums up what I feel about life right now...

"I don't know how to do this, any of this. I feel like I'm wasting money and time by going to therapy and my dietitian. I feel sorry for the people that are trying to help me, because I can't seem to help myself. Maybe I should just stop going to therapy, stop reaching out for help. I can't even follow the plan my dietitian gave me. I am scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of losing the ED. I don't even know what's feeding the restricting and the purging anymore, it feels so much a part of me. I know it's wrong, but the fear of losing it scares me more than anything, so I continue to do it. I'm supposed to fight it right? That's what we are supposed to do. I don't feel the urge to fight within me. I don't care about myself."

Coldplay-Yellow-Lyrics

This song means so much to me and what is going on in my life right now. I feel like I want to sing this to a certain person, and maybe they would sing it back to me.

Agh, it's just such a beautiful song with beautiful music and lyrics.

dietitian appointment

I saw my dietitian yesterday. I guess it went well. She seemed really taken aback when I told her what my daily intake has been over the past few weeks. It was sort of scary to see her so concerned. She put together a "snack plan" for me, instead of a meal plan. Since I have not been able to eat a meal without purging it in 2 weeks, we decided to start slowly with a safe and simple plan. She wants me to eat 6 snacks a day, at 6 different times during the day. All of them have the be different snacks, never repeating the same snack in one day. I will try this plan for 2 weeks and then we well re-assess and see what changes need to be made or what needs to happen. She said to me, "this plan I am giving you is going to be HARD. I'm not saying you can't do it, it's just going to be really, really hard, given the spot you are in right now."

She also weighed me, but I did not look and she didn't say anything about it. I am so glad I did not look, because I know it would have just fed into my eating disorder even more. But there is a part of me that is obsessed with wanting to know my weight. I won't give in though.

Something else...I have known my dietitian since I was 14 years old. That means she has known me for almost 8 years. She knew me when I went to Remuda, she was the one who recommended it. She wrote to me every week when I was there. She knows me and can read me like a book. And out of all the people on my treatment team right now, I trust her the most. She gave me a big hug at the end of our appointment yesterday and said, "I love you and I always have and I always will." That was the sort of thing I needed to hear. It gave me comfort, it gave me strength. I told her that I didn't want to disappoint anyone, or make anyone mad, or anything like that. She said that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, she will always be there and will always care about me and love me. How lucky am I?

So now, everyone on my team knows what is up with me and this relapse. And all of them have said...if things don't get better in a couple of weeks, then I need to go to treatment.

I called Remuda yesterday, just to do a quick phone assessment and see what kind of options I had. The woman I talked to said I needed to be there, and they could take me tomorrow if I wanted. Unfortunately I have the worst insurance in the world that does not cover ANYTHING. And so I would have to pay out of pocket if I were to go to Remuda, or anywhere for that matter. I can't even type out how expensive 30 days at Remuda is right now because it's INSANE. Like seriously, it shouldn't have to cost that much. It makes me angry. But whatever. Even if I do need to go to treatment in a couple of weeks, it would never fly with my parents and they could never afford it. So why think about it?

I guess I have to do this on an outpatient basis, which is also going to prove to be expensive. Because once again, my insurance does not cover any mental health services. My therapist and dietitian both agree I need to see my therapist every week right now. Even with two jobs, I am going to be struggling to pay for this.

So, anyway...that's that.