dietitian appointment

I saw my dietitian yesterday. I guess it went well. She seemed really taken aback when I told her what my daily intake has been over the past few weeks. It was sort of scary to see her so concerned. She put together a "snack plan" for me, instead of a meal plan. Since I have not been able to eat a meal without purging it in 2 weeks, we decided to start slowly with a safe and simple plan. She wants me to eat 6 snacks a day, at 6 different times during the day. All of them have the be different snacks, never repeating the same snack in one day. I will try this plan for 2 weeks and then we well re-assess and see what changes need to be made or what needs to happen. She said to me, "this plan I am giving you is going to be HARD. I'm not saying you can't do it, it's just going to be really, really hard, given the spot you are in right now."

She also weighed me, but I did not look and she didn't say anything about it. I am so glad I did not look, because I know it would have just fed into my eating disorder even more. But there is a part of me that is obsessed with wanting to know my weight. I won't give in though.

Something else...I have known my dietitian since I was 14 years old. That means she has known me for almost 8 years. She knew me when I went to Remuda, she was the one who recommended it. She wrote to me every week when I was there. She knows me and can read me like a book. And out of all the people on my treatment team right now, I trust her the most. She gave me a big hug at the end of our appointment yesterday and said, "I love you and I always have and I always will." That was the sort of thing I needed to hear. It gave me comfort, it gave me strength. I told her that I didn't want to disappoint anyone, or make anyone mad, or anything like that. She said that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, she will always be there and will always care about me and love me. How lucky am I?

So now, everyone on my team knows what is up with me and this relapse. And all of them have said...if things don't get better in a couple of weeks, then I need to go to treatment.

I called Remuda yesterday, just to do a quick phone assessment and see what kind of options I had. The woman I talked to said I needed to be there, and they could take me tomorrow if I wanted. Unfortunately I have the worst insurance in the world that does not cover ANYTHING. And so I would have to pay out of pocket if I were to go to Remuda, or anywhere for that matter. I can't even type out how expensive 30 days at Remuda is right now because it's INSANE. Like seriously, it shouldn't have to cost that much. It makes me angry. But whatever. Even if I do need to go to treatment in a couple of weeks, it would never fly with my parents and they could never afford it. So why think about it?

I guess I have to do this on an outpatient basis, which is also going to prove to be expensive. Because once again, my insurance does not cover any mental health services. My therapist and dietitian both agree I need to see my therapist every week right now. Even with two jobs, I am going to be struggling to pay for this.

So, anyway...that's that.