leaving paradise

Well, we leave the beach tomorrow. I'm pretty bummed about it. This has been such a relaxing vacation. Today was really amazing, pretty much perfect. I was on the beach from about noon until 6pm. The weather was picture perfect. I went with Erin, and my sister, and the guys out to the biggest beach on the island and watched them fish. They caught a sting ray and it was on the line for an hour and a half until it finally broke free. It was pretty awesome, and all these people came out to watch. The water was a really pretty green, it was almost blue. I took in all of it and I have never felt so relaxed and so at peace with my mind, body, and with the world.

This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)


Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.

I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.

That's all for now.

beach update

So I'm still at the beach. Except for the two days that it was rainy and cloudy, it has been paradise. I wish I never had to leave. But I have to admit I am looking forward to getting back home in my own bed, my own kitchen, and not having to share every thing with 9 other people. My birthday was on Tuesday. It was cloudy pretty much all day, but the sun finally came out at the end of the day. We had tacos for dinner, and my mom baked a funfetti birthday cake. The hardest part of the day was eating that cake. God, why does cake have to be such a bad food? I don't even like it. It is too rich and I get full so fast. But I ate it, and that's what counts. I got some really awesome birthday presents. In addition to the iPod touch my parents got me, I also got a beach tote from Erin and really pretty earrings. And necklaces from my sisters. I have also bought some other jewelry while I have been down here. I have stuck to the goal I set with my dietitian before I got here. Which was to incorporate breakfast back into my meal plan. It hasn't been as hard as I thought, but it has made lunch and dinner much harder. I am having a hard time finishing meals, and even Erin confronted me about it. I felt really guilty when she asked if everything was going okay because she noticed I wasn't finishing all my meals. I felt bad because I thought what if I was triggering her and making it harder for her at meal times. I emailed my therapist about it because it kind of made me reconsider my recovery. She asked if I was doing the best I can. And I replied that I really thought I was. She said if I am doing the best I can, then everything is okay. I said that it has been really hard for me to eat breakfast again, because of this weight gain issue, but that I was doing it anyway and trusting her and my dietitian, and trying my hardest to trust my body as well. It's not that I want to restrict, because I don't. I think my body is adjusting to the addition of breakfast into my days. I haven't had breakfast on a regular basis since Remuda. It's hard right now, but I know it will get easier.

I am having so much fun down here. Erin is one of the funniest people I know and I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time. It's really going to suck when I get home, and she goes back to Maryland, and I will be alone again. I really need to give my social life a makeover. My mom has asked me several times if I think Erin is having fun. And I think she is. I really hope she is. Sometimes I worry I am not being a good friend because I am not that talkative. I really try and think of things to talk about, but it's like a mental block. Maybe I need to give my social skills a makeover too.

When I get home from the beach, my therapist will be on vacation. It will be the longest I have gone without seeing my therapist since Remuda. I'm not too, too worried about it. Because I know I will have other means of support while she is gone like group, my dietitian, my psychiatrist and Karen. But I am worried about all the emotions and memories that were brought up in my last therapy session. I really need to work on the homework assignment my therapist gave me. But I am scared to, because I know it's going to make me really emotional and I won't be able to call her. At least I can still email and text.

Other than all of the above, nothing much else is different. This vacation has been such a source of relaxation and rest that I have needed all summer. I haven't had any anxiety attacks while I have been here either. Nothing is better than the sunshine and ocean and the beach breeze.
R
That's it for now. I will update when I am back home.

intensity

Yesterday I had therapy. It was one of the most intense sessions of my life. We talked about pretty much everything, focusing more on body image and eating disorder stuff. But at the end I decided to bring up something that I have been thinking a lot about. My 5th and 6th grade year was hands down the worst years of my life. SO many horrible things happened; the abuse, losing gymnastics, losing my grandmother, changing schools, identity crisis. And not until about 6 months ago did I realize how traumatic those 2 years were for me. And so I felt the pain and sadness that I numbed out back when it happened. I feel like I have been grieving all of it, and for some reason it's just not getting any better. My therapist mentioned how I needed to find a way to move on and let go of that 11 year old girl and grow into my 23 year old self. And then it hit me...the reason why I am scared to move on. I fought back tears as this realization came into my head. I found the courage to tell my therapist what I was thinking. The tears formed behind my eyes as I said..."I'm scared to move on because I feel like that means I am betraying that 11 year old girl." And then I just lost it. All of that pain, sadness, and fear came flooding back. And I just cried. It sucked, but it also felt so good to get that out. My therapist told me how proud she was of me, and how I am doing such hard work. Needless to say, I was drained by the end of the day. I am feeling much better today though.

Yesterday was my last day of working as a diving coach. I am going to miss it, but I am excited for an opportunity that might open up for me this fall. The mom of a family that I coached this summer basically made me an offer to be their full time babysitter when the school year starts. She said that I should think about it and she would be in touch. I really, really hope this works out. This family is so fun! The youngest is 8 years old, and then an 11 year old, and then a 14 year old. They are the nicest family too. I really hope I have the chance to do this!

Well, it's almost 1:30pm and Erin should be here in an hour and a half. I am sooo excited! Too bad I have not finished packing, oops.

Worth it all

Weight sucks.

The title of this post says enough. Weight, body fat, weight gain, weight loss, scales...all of that sucks. I had a really rough dietitian appointment this week. My weight went up 2lbs in a week in a half. And now I am 4lbs above my weight range, and 9lbs above my ideal weight. FREAKING OUT was what I was doing in my dietitian's office on Monday. I was just...stunned. And then I got scared and confused. Why am I still gaining weight? I'm not taking supplements (nor do I need them) I don't think I'm eating any more than usual, if anything I have been eating a little less. Yet I continue to gain slowly. At the time of my appointment my dietitian didn't know why I was gaining weight (which freaked me out even more). She told me to send her the food journals I had been keeping for the past week and then she could see if she could figure it out through that. So I sent her my food journals and she told me that I need to start eating breakfast more and that will rev up my metabolism. I was not happy to hear this. Breakfast is the absolute hardest meal for me. I am barely eating it now, and in order for my weight to stop going up and possibly get back down to my normal weight, I have to eat breakfast every single day. I am just scared that eating more is going to make me gain more weight. But I guess I have to trust my dietitian and see where this takes me. It is so hard for me to get into the routine of waking up early enough to eat breakfast. So maybe going to the beach will help with that, and being around other people that eat breakfast will help as well. I KNOW that I am healthier than I have ever been, and that I am not destroying my body and that I am the happiest I have ever been. But it's so hard to see that when all these other facts are staring me in the face. Facts like...I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. My clothes are tight or don't fit. I have a muffin top, etc.
I wish so much I could accept my body. But it scares me that it's like this. I am having the hardest time staying positive with this.

My last day of work is tomorrow (since it's a seasonal job). It's pretty bittersweet. While I am glad to not have to work as often, I am so sad to be leaving this kids. They have brightened my whole summer. I could not be prouder of them. They have taught me so much about myself and the little things in life. They have made me realize the passion I have for working with kids. I have to figure out what my move is going to be in the fall as far as work goes, but I know I really want to work with kids in some way. I just love them so much!

So, Erin gets here Thursday and I could not be more excited!!! I cannot wait to see her face and hug her! Even though I just saw her in May, that's still a long time seeing as how we did every single thing together for 30 days. She gets here Thursday afternoon and after dinner I think we are probably going to go see Harry Potter, she has seen it but I haven't! Then we leave at 6am on Sunday for the 5 hour drive to the beach. God, I am so excited.

Random thoughts

I am too lazy to put the thoughts in my head into an organized paragraph. So I'm going to just do bullet points.

- 4 days until my friend Erin comes to Richmond, and 5 days until we leave for the beach for 8 days.

- 1 week until my 23rd birthday (fuck I feel old)

- I got the iPod touch for my birthday. It's pretty sweet. I wanted an iPhone, but I will settle for this for now.

- This week is super busy. Tomorrow I have...2 practices and then a dietitian appointment. Tuesday I have a dive meet all day and then group at night. Wednesday I am getting a massage in the morning, and then practice and then therapy, and then possible practice again. But after that, I am done with my coaching job for the summer and Erin gets here Thursday!

- It seems I am having an OCD flare-up and I am not liking it one bit. I really feel like I am going crazy. I will email my psychiatrist tomorrow to see what medications need to be adjusted, if any. Because I cannot deal with these obsessive thoughts any longer.

- Country music is awesome.

- My scar on my chest from my cancerous mole removal is slowly fading, although it's still pretty nasty looking. I'm glad I got it removed though, since it turned out it had cancer in it. When I get back from the beach I have to have two more moles on my foot removed.

- Here is what I am looking forward to the most at the beach:
--- walking on the dock. eating at the steam bar on the marina. the sound of waves crashing. walking on the beach at night. blasting country music the whole time. reading as many books as possible. watching my dogs run and swim on the beach. shopping at the boutiques. perfect beach weather. getting a really nice tan. relaxing. not having to work and worrying about weigh ins and the stuff I am dealing with in therapy. climbing the lighthouse. getting to share the beach with my best friend. escaping. riding around in golf carts. chasing down cute boys. going to the alligator look-out. surfing. playing bananagrams. paddle-boarding. sitting poolside with a tropical drink. spending my birthday at the beach.

Done

I am so done with this disease. It has ruined so many aspects of my life, and even though I am in recovery, it still infects my mind. I hate the person it makes me want to be; selfish and deceptive. I hate how I have to be sicker than everyone to feel like my struggles are validated. I hate admitting that because I am so ashamed of it. My lowest weight still isn't "enough" in my eating disordered brain. The fact that I basically tried to kill myself and was in the psychiatric hospital for 5 days and then inpatient treatment for 45 days still isn't enough to my ED. I could have lost more weight, I could have tried harder to kill myself, I could have purged more, I could have exercised more, etc. I make excuses for why I wasn't sick enough. There are so many people who have been so much sicker than I was. They are more deserving of this treatment I am receiving.
But, each struggle is individual and personal. And I know in my heart that on February 10, 2011 I reached the lowest of the lowest for me. I know that I couldn't have survived another day. So, why do I keep wanting to hit rock bottom harder than I did in February? I have not fallen back into those same behaviors and I really have no intention of doing so. I wanted to be perfect at my eating disorder, and now I feel like I want to be perfect at recovery. I know it's unreachable and unrealistic. But I still feel like I want to try to be perfect.
I really want to scream right now. It's like total chaos in my head right now. Go away ED.

Feelings

In group this week we talked about feelings and relationships. So exciting, right? Well, it was exciting in the sense that it brought up a lot of stuff I haven't ever really allowed myself to think about. We drew a diagram that had to do with the important things in our life and how we feel about them. When I drew my family, I realized that they mostly make me feel bad and they drain so much energy from me. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But they drive me crazy and I have always felt like I didn't belong and someone was always mad at me. Part of that used to be true, because I was very manipulative and lied a lot with my eating disorder. But I am doing so much better now and feel like I have proven that they can trust me. I just feel really angry when I am around them. I am the black sheep of the family, this is a fact, I always have been. And I just...I don't know I guess I don't feel close to them. And yeah I know that that is wrong, but maybe I just need to accept that is how it's going to be. But I don't want to bash my family, that's not what I am trying to do. Because they have provided me with so much and I AM very thankful for all they do, especially my parents.

I am physically and emotionally drained this week, I think it's just work catching up to me, plus the heat. I have been sort of a mess this week. Crying all over the place, forgetting to set my alarm, etc. Also, I have been struggling with meals too. I hate saying that, I really do. It's not that bad. It's not out of control. It's not like I'm skipping meals every day or purging. I am just having a really hard time finishing my meals and I get so anxious. It is super frustrating. And I need to get back on the right track.

I have therapy tomorrow morning and I totallllly am going to go in there tomorrow and bawl my eyes out. I know I have been crying all week, but I need to cry with someone and process the emotions as they come out.

Less than a week until the beach, and that's all that matters!

survival is strength, not shame

So, I am currently watching the 2 hour Diane Sawyer special on Jaycee Dugard, the girl that was held captive by a sex offender and his wife for 18 years. She has said two very powerful statements that have hit me so deep and so hard. "Survival is strength, not shame." And, "It's his shame, not mine.". And it also hit me that she was 11 years old when she was kidnapped and abused, the same age I was when I was sexually abused. Hearing all of this has really helped put what happened to me into perspective. I have always thought of myself at the time of my abuse as someone older and bigger than I actually was. In reality, I was a very small, young girl. Yes, I was a very muscular and strong 11 year old, but I was still 11 years old. And I guess I have to remember that. I always have faulted myself for not saying no, not trying harder to push him away, and not telling anyone at the time. Therapists at Remuda, and my own therapist here at home have told me it was absolutely not my fault, there is no way it could have been. I was too young to understand what was going on. I know they are right, I know it in my heart. But it's so hard because I feel like there must have been SOMETHING I could have done, but didn't.

But then I think about the statement that survival is strength, not shame. And that is such a powerful and true statement. So, somehow I survived it. And my coping mechanism for 7 years was blocking it out. It was too much to bear. I survived the abuse during the worst year of my life. I somehow continued to thrive in athletics, and found my creativity in writing. I was definitely changed after the abuse, how can you not be? But I survived...I guess that's what matters most.

dietitian appointment and etc.

I saw my dietitian today. It went really well! Even though I gained half a pound. I am just so glad my weight didn't go up a pound or more, because I would have lost it. I left her office last week in tears and I didn't want that to happen again. I had a really good talk with her today (as I always do). But I was able to tell her how I recognized how I have been stuffing my feelings lately, and we talked about which feelings those were; sadness, lonely, anxious. I discussed with her about how I haven't been feeling worthy of help lately. I feel like I have to be starving myself to death or puking my guts out every day to be needy of help. She told me that is not true at all, that I am in the beginning of my recovery and need support now more than ever, and I totally deserve that help. Especially since I am having such a horrible time with body image. I convinced my mom to buy me new jeans, so we are going to Nordstroms tomorrow to do that. It will be stressful buying jeans that are a size bigger than what I have always worn, but I hate wearing the too tight jeans that I have right now. I feel so uncomfortable in them.

I just cannot stand my body. I know, I know...that is such negative thinking. I know I should embrace my new body and be thankful it's working and I am no longer malnourished and sick and emaciated (as my dietitian described me before treatment). How do I embrace my new body? Someone please tell me. Because I am not understanding it.

I burst into tears earlier today because...well I don't know why. I've just been emotional lately. And every one has been super nice to me lately. I am feeling the love, I really am. I am so thankful for so many wonderful and amazing people in my life. To name a few...all my friends from Remuda, my dietitian Trish, my friend and inspiration Karen, the leader of my support group Elisabeth, my therapist Ann, my psychiatrist Dr. S, my mentor and second mom Mrs. Robson, all the women in my support group, the kids I coach on the dive team and their parents, the other coaches I coach with - Shirley and Mason, and my family of course, even though they drive me nuts.

But anyway, I need to stop worrying so fucking much. I need to stop obsessing over my body. SO much easier said than done

scream

I am trying so hard to stay composed and peaceful on the inside, but inside I am screaming so loud. I don't know what's wrong, everything feel so wrong. I am so obsessive about everything, the way my clothes fit, the way my hair feels, the way my hands feel, the way the books upstairs are on the bookcase. Like it's just nuts. If I could I would pull all my hair out and jump up and down. Where is this coming from? I have no idea. I'm just about to lose it. I'm smoking cigarettes again, ugh.

I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm going to look at my weight. I pray to God it hasn't gone up again. I will be sad if it stayed the same, and relieved if it went down..but not down too much. I wish I could just go poof! and accept my body.

My team had a dive meet today. One of my kids hit his back on the board and I jumped in to get him. He was fine. Just a little shaken up. I almost burst into tears myself because I knew how scared he was.

And...I'm just kind of irritated with therapy. It just makes me feel so crappy. I just don't even want to go right now. Maybe I will take a break.

On a very positive note...my very best friend Erin is officially coming to the beach with me and my family!!! SO excited!

healing

I had group tonight. I am really loving it. It's based on the book "Eating in the Light of the Moon". It's a small group, there are 7 of us, all who struggle with food in different ways. The group leader, Elisabeth is so awesome and such an old soul. I have been getting so much out of this group. At Remuda, my favorite part was the understanding from everyone and being able to relate. I never felt lonely there and that is such a good feeling when all your life all you have felt is lonely and isolated. Like at Remuda, this group helps me feel not alone. It really hit me tonight in group to hear the other women discuss things that I feel and think about as well. It is so healing to not be alone, to not FEEL alone. We do different activities in group that really help me think about my emotions, my feelings, my soul. It brings up so many emotions, emotions that I have noticed I have been suppressing. I am really grateful for this group for making me realizing what I am stuffing down and not dealing with. So now I get to go to therapy tomorrow and process all of it. What fun! Haha but no, I really feel myself healing and it's really cool.

Work is going well. I love coaching the dive team so much. The kids are adorable and it really helps me to focus on them and on coaching instead of the other yucky stuff going on in my head. I'm not sure what my plans are going to be when the summer is over. I'm really not looking forward to going back to my hostessing job. I will have to figure something out, because I need the money so badly.

Meals have been going pretty good. I am incorporating breakfast into my days more and more. I don't understand why that meal is so damn hard for me, but I need to just get over it. I am allowing myself to enjoy food and add foods in that I normally wouldn't have allowed myself to have before treatment. Still no purging, even though I came scary close to relapsing with it last week. I had to call my therapist to get through it. I have noticed I want to b/p whenever I am too overwhelmed with emotions, so I just need to remember to ground myself during those times and do something very distracting. Body image is still a giant struggle (no pun intended). It's so stressful having clothes being too tight for me that were almost falling off of me last summer. I get so angry and frustrated when getting dressed. I KNOW my body is bigger, seeing as how I have gained 20lbs since March. I hate wearing a bathing suit and am getting sort of anxious for the beach and having to be in one 24/7. I guess I'm just really discouraged about my body and don't really feel like I'm making too much progress in that area. My dietitian reminds me that I am healthy for the first time after having a sick, malnourished, child like body for so many years. I know she is right and when I look back to pictures of myself I see how skinny I was. But I just think I have gone overboard and now I'm too big.

I am getting so so exited for the beach in 2 weeks! I am reallllllly crossing my fingers that my BFF Erin can come. I will be so upset if she can't. But I am really looking forward to relaxing on the beach every day, reading a book, eating seafood, watching the sun set, walking on the beach, and hopefully getting to surf!

Yummy things to eat

- Strawberries and Nutalla

- Toast w/ Nutella and strawberries

- Peanut Butter-Cinnamon English Muffin

- Greek yogurt with granola

- Salad w/ sliced apples

- Chocolate Fudge Brownies

- Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

- Watermelon

- Blueberry or Banana Pancakes

- Strawberry Poppyseed Chicken Salad (from Panera)

- Spinach and Artichoke Dip

- Red Pepper Hummus with Toasted Pita Triangles

- Guacamole

- Cheddar Apple Melt

- Crab Dip

- Orange Chicken and Steamed Rice

Look for some more later!

One reason recovery sucks.

Recovery kind of sucks for me right now. Don't get me wrong, I really really want recovery. But this journey is definitaly not a smooth or easy one. Right now I am struggling a lot with adjusting to my new body. I am finding it extremely difficult to accept my body. I have gained a considerable amount of weight in the past 5 months. When I first got to treatment, I honestly did not think I needed to gain weight. I really believed I was at a healthy weight. I was way off base. While I know it is so, so important to get back to a healthy weight (which I have) I never ever thought it would be this hard and painful to gain back the weight that I have lost, and weigh more than I ever have in my life. It is so hard to not be negative about it. My clothes are tighter, and I am getting to the point where I might need to buy a size up in jeans and shorts. So many people have told me how much better I look, how I have a glow, and a sparkle in my eyes. Every time my friend Karen hugs me she says how good it is to actually have something to hug, and not just bones. I really did not expect this in my recovery...the whole body change thing. It's gotten me really down lately. I am not trusting my body right now. I don't know how I can believe that my body will reach a healthy weight and stay there and not keep gaining and get fat. My therapist says I just have to trust it. I found myself in tears on the phone with her last night and so close to going out to get food to binge and purge. But I didn't. I rode the wave and got through it. I guess my point is....is that while I know weight gain and regaining health is so important and necessary to recovery...it still sucks. And it's hard. So hard. I guess I just have to take it day to day and hope that it will get better.