Depression

Depression.

Heavy. Dark. Paralyzing.

I never thought I would deal with this kind of depression again. In all fairness, I am no where near as depressed as I was this time last year -- suicidal, no hope, no will to live.
But I feel my depression always has the potential to reach such an extreme. I'm scared I could be headed there. I do not want to die. I do not want to self-harm.
I want my thirst for life back. I want my energy and up-beat, positive attitude to come back. Winter is so tough for me. It has been for as long as I can remember. I have faith that if I make it through this month and next, I will be able to see the light again. I will get my energy back.
Right now I just feel so awful. I think therapy stirred up a lot of feelings today.

Triggered

I have been feeling really triggered lately by other people's struggles. Whenever I see someone post on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever about how awful they are doing, how much they are sick of eating, how much they hate their body and want to lose weight, how they have relapsed...it triggers me. It makes me miss my eating disorder, but at the same time it turns me away from my ED. I know that at times I have been triggering to others as well. So I feel like a big hypocrite for posting about this. But it's been weighing on my mind heavily and I just need to release it. I am so sick of the eating disorder world. It can be full of a very supportive and loving community, but also very full of jealousy and comparing. People are being pretty specific about their behaviors, and I just feel like I am in a very vulnerable place right now with my ED and I do not want to fall back into behaviors on a consistent basis, or even at all. I feel like I might need to cut some people out of my life, just until I feel stronger in my recovery. I will most likely bring this up in therapy on Thursday.

I'm also in a very hard place with depression. Thank God I have 2 jobs because otherwise I would for sure be laying in bed all day. I have been isolating, avoiding friends, avoiding hanging out with friends. I had a great day today. It started off by getting an email from someone very close to my heart who encouraged me to have a great day. So I did. And then I came home and sat on my bed and cried for literally an hour. No, I'm not on my period. Just ending it. So it's not that. I'm not even sure why I cried. I missed people, especially the person who sent me that email. I also feel stuck. I don't want to move backwards in recovery or life, but I'm also scared of moving forwards, for reasons I haven't figure out yet. I just feel sick and tired, all the time.

I just need to not do any worse than I am doing now, to somehow find the strength to make it through this month and next month. I know things will turn away. I am just getting tired of waiting.

Therapy mode and a challenge

This week has been full of appointments, which has been really good. I needed the extra support. I had group on Monday night. Dietitian appointment last night. And therapy this morning. I will touch on each of the three.

Group was really good, but also really intense. It was just me and one other girl, and the group leader. I actually prefer it when there are fewer people because we have more time to talk and more time to get/give feedback. So, anyway I just talked about how difficult things have been lately. I was in a really dark place in my head that night, so it was good timing I guess. I just kind of had this realization that I am absolutely terrified of struggling any more than I am right now. Terrified. It would just be one step closer to relapse and I cannot go through that again. I don't know how I made it through last time, and so I believe that if I had a full blown relapse again, that I wouldn't survive. So, I am so scared of doing any worse than I am now. I just cannot go backwards. I got pretty teared up saying all this in group. My group leader and the other girl there were so, so supportive and had so much great feedback for me and that made me feel a lot better. I was definitely pretty drained after group that night.

My dietitian appointment last night was pretty interesting. We talked a lot about how I have had my eating disorder for so long (9 years) and how it has truly become my identity. Now that I am in recovery, now that I am in a good place in my life for the first time since my eating disorder started, my identity of having an eating disorder is falling away. It's scary trying to figure out who I am without it, because I'm not really sure. There still is part of me that wants to fill the holes back up with my eating disorder. So we talked about that and then we talked about how I have been struggling with dinner a lot. I won't bore you with the details of that, but she gave me some good tips to make that easier. And then, she posed a challenge to me. You see, I have this HUGE fear of eating in front of people. I don't have a problem eating in front of a large group of people, or people I have known and eaten with forever, like my family. But I am scared of eating one on one with people, or around people I don't know, or in party situations. I just think people are judging me and stuff. So my dietitian suggested we go out somewhere and eat together. I about fell on the floor when she said that. I told her I didn't want to do that. Then she brought up my ultimate "fear food". Which is cake. So then she suggested I buy cupcakes and bring them in to one of our sessions so we can eat that together. I don't know which option is scarier. As crazy as it sounds, I think eating the cake would be easier because it's not a whole meal. BUT STILL! I was pretty adamant about not wanting to do that either. She said she thinks it's something I really need to do. She also said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do, but she wants me to really think about it and maybe come up with a plan.
Oh my gosh, I don't know if I can handle this. I almost started crying just talking about it! How on earth am I going to react actually doing it?
Any words of advice on this one guys?

I had therapy this morning. That went pretty well. We talked a lot about how I need to find things outside of my eating disorder and recovery to focus on. So we talked about trying to find a church I can start going to. She also suggested I get back in touch with my artsy side. I love making collages and I love making abstract types of art. So, I think I am going to find a project or two and get started on that.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO glad! This week has just inched by. I have felt sick every day this week and that combined with lack of sleep has made me really grumpy and really depressed. I just really really hope that next week is better, in all ways. I want my energy back.

Oh, by the way. I know this isn't for a while but...I have some anniversaries coming up in the next couple of months.

February 10: 1 year since being admitted to the psychiatrist hospital for attempted suicide.
February 14: 1 year since I last purged <--- that is so huge for me, I cannot even explain
February 15: 1 year since being admitted to Remuda Ranch
March 31: 1 year in RECOVERY!

Getting Back on Track

Well, I think I'm finally getting back on track. It's slow, but it's better than nothing.

I have incorporated breakfast back into my days, as much as I don't want to. And while it's not really as much as I should be eating, at least I am starting with something. I am struggling with other meals, but I am being honest about it with my treatment team. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over meals, a lot of the "I'm not really hungry" feelings too. It's been really frustrating. I seem to be hungry for breakfast and lunch, and then by dinner I am not hungry at all. And then a couple hours later I am practically starving.

I saw my therapist on Thursday. That went pretty well. We talked about how anger is playing a huge part in this recent "lapse" that I am going through. For so long I have always felt that when I am angry, I can't express it or let myself feel it because I feel like I am to blame. So I realized that by talking about this with my therapist, that I DO have valid reasons for my anger, especially right now, with everything that's been going on with my family. I have a right to my anger. My therapist gave me a couple of homework assignments to work on until I see her next week, one of them regarding my anger. My therapist was pretty insistent on having me come back next week, instead of waiting two weeks like we have been. I was hesitant and didn't say no, but I didn't say yes either. So my therapist basically told me I am coming back next week, with love of course.

I have been emailing my dietitian every couple of days with my food intake as well as my thoughts and feelings. She emailed me back and said we have a lot to discuss. Our session on Wednesday should be interesting.

I am absolutely disgusted with my body right now. I hate to say that, I hate to be so negative. But I am. I do not know if I am going to be able to wear a bikini this summer. If I had to wear one right now I would be SO embarrassed. I really want to be able to come to a place where I can accept my body. I just...feel so huge.

On a better note, my parent's have decided to take me on a Spring Break trip this year! I am so excited! I haven't been on a vacation (other than our annual family beach vacation) since my Sophomore year of high school when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving. We are going to Kiawah Island in Charleston, South Carolina! I have never been here before and I am so excited! It will be just my parents and I, and my two dogs.

I have group on Monday night. I'm very anxious about this. I've been known to my group as "such a strong person" and I just am feeling embarrassed to go to group and talk about all these struggles that are happening.

There isn't much else going on. I am just so glad it's the weekend. It's so nice to relax.

Continued Struggles

Things are still pretty difficult for me right now. I know in my last blog I wrote about how I felt like I was needing something more than I have been getting, but I wasn't sure what that was. So, I decided to reach out first to my Remuda sisters, and ask for their support and advice. I am so, so glad I did that. No one understands better than them, who know my life story, and know what it's like to struggle with an eating disorder. So it was really awesome to hear back from them and know I am not alone.
I also emailed my therapist and dietitian. I basically wrote them what I wrote in my last blog. They both sent back really supportive responses. My therapist thinks it would be a good idea for me to start coming back in once a week, as supposed to every two weeks. I felt relieved when I wrote this. I had kind of hoped she would say this. But I was also scared she wouldn't think I needed it. And while I am somewhat embarrassed that I have to increase my sessions again, I really think that this is what I need. I really want to be able to figure out what has caused this increased struggle.
My dietitian suggested I come and see her more often. But I don't think I can afford that. She also suggested I write her daily emails containing my food intake/behaviors/thoughts. I decided to go with this option. Hopefully this will provide some much needed accountability.
So I am feeling more hopeful now that this increased support will get me back on track.

Eating has been difficult. I feel pretty significant anxiety surrounding meals. It's very frustrating. It reminds me of eating meals when I was in treatment. Eating was a chore, an assignment. After treatment, I fell back in love with my favorite foods and enjoyed eating. Up until a couple months ago, I almost felt like I was a "normal eater". I'm not going to lie, when my dietitian suggested I email her my daily food intake, part of me wanted to not respond, and just drop it. I have so much anxiety and shame about sharing with other people what I eat. But, I decided to go with my best judgement and start being accountable with my dietitian.

Sleeping has been difficult lately. I know that it probably had to do with the fact that I'm not getting enough nutrition, and the fact that I'm stressing out about various things. Hopefully I will sleep better this week.

Not much else going on.
Hopefully things will turn around soon.

Struggling.

I'm having a particularly shitty day. I feel the need to vent.

First off, my day started out rough when I overslept a little this morning and didn't have time to shower. So physically, I was just feeling icky. Then I went off to work. My manager on Wednesdays is HUGE bitch. HUGE. And today she was feeling bitchier than usual. Another one of my co-workers, who is also a huge bitch, also felt the need to pick on me too. Just because I'm not a server, doesn't mean I am your personal slave, so get the fucking water pitcher yourself bitch. And next time you want me to get you something, try saying "please" and "thank you". GOD. Ughhh. So anyway, I pretty much had to fight through tears my whole shift because of those two.

My day got a little better after that when I went to babysit the kids. So from around 2 until 6ish, things were pretty good.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian at 7pm. I was really nervous going into it. I have been struggling lately. Not so much with behaviors, although there have been instances where I have been restricting. But struggling more so with eating disordered thoughts and urges. It was good to talk it out with my dietitian. And I really felt like I got some good feedback from her.

It's just frustrating though. I feel like I have all the right tools and coping skills to deal with my eating disorder. 9 times out of 10 I use those tools. But what people sometimes don't understand about recovery is that sometimes pushing through the urges and doing the healthy thing feels really crappy. And lately that's what I have been struggling with. I miss my eating disorder right now. It has always been there. Life has thrown me a lot of punches lately, and my eating disorder, if I was using it, would make me forget about all of the crappy stuff going on. This stage of recovery I'm in right now, it's exhausting. From the outside looking in, people who don't understand eating disorders and recovery, think that I came home from treatment in March and that I am all better now. Fixed. I am a lot better, yes. But not fixed. And it's a very lonely place to be when you realize that not everyone "gets it". I have my Remuda sisters, of course. But they live so far away, not close enough that I can drive to their house and cry on their shoulder and know that they know what I'm going through.I'm tired of hearing people tell me, "But Holly, look how far you have come, look at all the great work you are doing. Please, Please don't go back to ED." Not that I don't appreciate their words of wisdom and their support, I just wish I was hearing something else right now. I don't exactly know what that is. Maybe it would be comforting to hear..."Yes it is hard". So maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm fucking this up. Maybe there is something else that is going on that is causing me to feel so awful. I'm not really sure. I feel very confused. Very lost.

I was having a good run with body image there for a while. I started to actually like my body. But then I weighed myself and BOOM, well there goes that. I can't even look at my profile picture on Facebook right now because I will critique it until there is nothing left to critique. I'm just very frustrated with my weight, which has maintained for 2 months now. I still would like to lose weight. Yeah, I said it. SO not a recovery oriented thing to say, but hey this post is all about the struggles of recovery.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. Other than just pray on all of this. Ask God for His help. To help me figure out what to do, or where to go from here.

Any support, wisdom, advice, cyber hugs, or prayers would be greatly appreciated.